To think they are not being "accommodating"?

[FGSholdthedoor]

I'm originally from a different EU country where we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve so the 24th.

This has worked well for me and OH as there has been no drama re whose family we spend Christmas with as 24th was mine as that's when we celebrate and 25th his.

This year my DM has started a new job and has to work Christmas Eve. She has announced to me a few weeks ago that due to her working Christmas Eve she will most likely be having "Christmas" on Christmas Day.
I said that will make it tricky as they know OHs family celebrate on Christmas Day. DM pretty much said "tough" .
She's a difficult character so I kind of backed off but summoned up my courage when I saw her next and said that PILs celebrate Christmas Day as SIL and BiL then go to see SILS family who live away.
I asked if they wanted to do the day before Christmas Eve or maybe Boxing Day, DM just said she's not sure of her rota yet and left it at that.

I went to visit them last week and asked about Christmas when I was leaving as DM said she was off on the 23rd but finished work a bit late (10pm) on the 22nd. I suggested the 23rd and she said she will probably be tired but they will let me know.
It's worth mentioning I have a toddler and a 3 week old baby and I made it very clear to them a few weeks ago that it will only be a small Christmas on my side anyway as baby will be tiny and I won't be able to stay late etc.
So I get a call today from DF saying they're doing Christmas tomorrow and that he "brought DM around" but he's doing all the cooking etc. It must've been a very last min decision as he was doing all the ingredient shopping in Morrisons whilst speaking to me.

No problem with me but I did mention to remember that I will be having to go earlier than usual to get both DCs to bed. Ideally at 5ish (it's a 30min drive one way) and I said 5 because i know in my parents language that's 5.30. DF got a huffy and said that that's early and can I not leave at 7, I told him DS goes to bed at 7 and there's a baby around now so it's a double job.
He then went on to say that I should be more giving/lenient with the time as they've been accommodating in terms of the day and to consider him too as he had to convince DM etc. We kind of agreed I'll leave around 6ish as long as DS is in bed for 7.

But AIBU to think they are not being accommodating?
I think it would be very unreasonable of them to expect PILs to change everything and not celebrate on THEIR actual Christmas Day because my DM is working hers. And it would have been equally unreasonable to hold me ransom and expect me to abandon Christmas at PILs because of the same reason.
If the situation was reversed and PILs lived in our home country I would consider it equally unreasonable if they expected my parents to change their Christmas because Mil or FIL had to work the 25th so they decided on the 24th.
And AIBU to think this is just all a bit of drama?

The vast majority of the time the very first poster on the thread gets it right and, sorry OP, but allthebestnamesareused has nailed it.

Why not just look back on your previous threads and read the advice given on those?

Oh dear now I'm more interested in why your DP is NC with your parents.

No idea how old your parents are but the fact your DM is working today, putting on a full Christmas tomorrow and the working again Christmas Eve, makes you unreasonable.

I thought you were expected to do christmas on a day the suited them. If they're doing all the work and you and the kids just have to show up then YABU.
But as puppymonkey said I am also now far more interested in what happened between your parents and DH.

Why not just look back on your previous threads and read the advice given on those?

Are you the one whose parents and dh worked together and your mum took her redundancy payment and left you penniless or something like that? If so, your dh and parents will never ever get on and that's just the way it is now.

Stop trying to please them both. You're just wasting your time and making yourself miserable. And yes, read your previous advice that posters have kindly given (and you have ignored).

"To the last poster, our house is way too small to do Christmas here unfortunately. "

For you, your husband & kids?

Surely you can just get the toddler ready for bed, leave late and put them straight in to bed when you get home.

3 week olds don’t have bedtime routines anyway, and they feed every few hours so surely it makes no difference.

Your husband is no contact with your parents?

I think it depends on your culture as to whether YABU. Christmas is celebrated on the 24th in the country I live in but it's pretty much done and dusted by 3.00 pm. On the other hand, my friend comes from a place where it's a late afternoon/evening event.

What's the tradition where you're from?

@RecallRecall my DM is working today, my DF isn't and he's the one cooking and "putting on Christmas" which I have repeatedly told them we can/should do small this year as it will be a bit hectic with 3 week old baby and toddler etc. And that there is no expectations.

@MimpiDreams it all depends with us my DGPs are usually done and dusted mid/late afternoon. My other DGPs are quite late. We can make it what we want to really it's not set in stone as such.

I'm willing to accept I have BU saying they're not accommodating. I just thought it was just decency to not override someone else's Christmas and expect your daughter to ditch her DP and his family who DO celebrate on the 25th because you can't celebrate on your usual Christmas Day.

What allthebest said.

I think your mum may be upset at having to work Christmas Eve so was trying to do Christmas Day. Your parents are accommodating you as much as they can. I would go when they are ready for you to come tomorrow and take my dc and go with the flow. That means to feed and take care of your baby while you’re there as normal and allow the baby to fall asleep in your arms or in something you bring over for that purpose, and your toddler next to you on the sofa. It is one day a year, you don’t have to be so rigid this one day with your children. I adhered to a flexible schedule and admire mothers who keep to a disciplined schedule for their children but I’ve seen a few who go overboard and will not bend for any reason whatsoever. In a few years you’ll understand and look back and think how unnecessarily rigid you are with this issue. Yes, the baby is very young but the baby can sleep contentedly at your parents’ or can stay up a few hours this one day. It seems that your parents really want to see you and host you for Christmas, you are their family and they are trying to accommodate you. Your father is having to do the cooking because your mother is tired from working and he got a little snippy with you because he is not used to cooking Christmas dinner and doesn’t want to mess it up (it seems to me). Don’t overthink it. Just go, enjoy, and let the day unfold naturally, your children will be fine I promise.

which I have repeatedly told them we can/should do small this year as it will be a bit hectic with 3 week old baby and toddler etc. And that there is no expectations.

in fairness op you do sound like you are trying to dictate quite a lot. If they are hosting christmas they can make it as large and as grand as they want. I agree with PP that since they've changed the date they have been accomodating.

Meant to add that of course you don’t have to ditch the Christmas Day plans with your dp’s family. I don’t think anyone here is telling you to do that. However, your parents are trying to accommodate you by doing Christmas tomorrow. As long as you have a decent hopefully good relationship with them, enjoy your parents while you still have them!

Yabu.

I think it's them! I don't like that much change with regard to routines especially not with two kids to worry about.
I'd leave whenever you want - otherwise you won't enjoy it x

No I think YABU from the info here. They are attempting to accommodate your requirements, and the size of the Xmas celebration is up to them as hosts - agree with pp that you come across as very rigid.

@HoneyIshrunkthebiscuit and @RavenWings the only reason I told them that we don't have to do anything big this year is because I knew I won't be able to do or help that much with a new baby that could have been anything between just over 1 to 3weeks old depending on when he decided to arrive.
Obviously it's up to them how big or small they want to go but I didn't want them to feel under pressure or feel disappointed if I spend most of the day nursing and/or chasing after toddler.
The only reason I brought it up was because a poster mentioned how it's unfair they're putting on a "full Christmas spread" with my DM working the day before - it's completely up to them how big/small they want to go.

@DancesWithOtters I suppose you're right. But it's not quite as simple as that.
For one going NC with would mean going NC with my whole side of the family as my DGPs live abroad and don't quite get the situation and believe family should stick together above all.
And also I don't really think it would make me feel better in the long run ATM.

I didn't say it was " unfair". I said you are being unreasonable for being ridgid about timing,
It's their Christmas too and they are hosting last minute with long work days either side.
I don't really get the new born baby problem. Yes they feed a lot but it's not like they do much else. And I get a tired toddler isn't ideal but it's a once a year event. Your DP will at home to help out won't he?