To make him come home?

[FedUpFreda17]

DS (11) is usually very good but very forgetful (although he always seems to remember to take his sweets, meet his friends on time etc!). Just recently he has forgotten to give food in for the food bank despite many reminders and in the end it was too late. He had it in his bag for over a week and just never handed it in to his teacher. He forgot to give in money for a charity event-didn’t spend it, just kept it in his pocket till it was too late.

Today, despite me telling him over and over and over, he forgot to give his gift to his teacher. He’s at high school and should be able to remember things which are important for others and not just for himself. He’s out with his friends after finishing at lunchtime today, at the park for a long-planned afternoon of fun. I’m really annoyed he’s just admitted on the phone not handing the gift in, and feel like asking him to come home.

Too harsh? He does struggle with friendships for various reasons so I do feel it’s important to enjoy this event as he’s been invited but i’m quite annoyed at his thoughtlessness.

What would you do?

No, I want him to be a child, like he is at 11. Which part made it seem like I want him to save the world?

Aw don't be daft - I'm a secondary school teacher and have had a few little gifts this week.

It would annoy me too OP.

My kids voluntarily took gifts in for their high school teachers right up till 18...the ones they really liked. And weren't bullied for it
London Comprehensive.

I agree with you, everyone moans about kids growing up too fast, he is only eleven for gods sake!

and no, no ADHD, just forgetfulness

I’m sorry. But why are you so sure?

I was diagnosed with ADHD in my early 20ies. I forgot, lost, messed up soooo many things. But I had good grades, wasn’t disruptive in class, particularly ‘naughty’ etc. Which meant that my parents and teachers simply assumed that I didn’t care... (which wasn’t the case, initially. And it’s might sound petty, but some of the things said and done... I still have a hard time just ‘letting go’.)

It took me nearly failing out of law school (and so if you fail out in my homecountry then you’re banned from any degree that has some overlap with the law faculty....) and just not understand why I kept messing and going to my university’s student support / psych office.
the woman assigned to me luckily had some experience with ADHD and the different types (most teachers don’t recognise ‘atypical’ ADHD, predominantly inattentive or combined, I mean) and referred me to an ADHD expert.

I honestly don’t know where I’d be today if I hadn’t gotten the support I needed. Failed out of uni, mental health issues etc, I imagine.

I know, OP, this is not what you’re asking about. But please don’t just dismiss these things.

Anyhow, whether he has ADHD or not, why not help him remember?

He was honest when telling you that he forgot. Couldn’t he give the present after his winter break? Or what about sending it by post?

Doesn't sound like its anything to do with forgetting. If everyone else had been lining up to give teacher a present he would have whipped his out to. They didn't so DS didn't.

Its not a matter of and end to childhood. He is transitioning to being a teenage, in a school mostly filled with teenagers. Is he supposed to continue acting like an infant in front of them? The social rules are different and its normal to follow them.

Its as much a transition for the parent as the child. In this case the parent seems to be finding it harder to transition than the child.

Oh ffs her son forgot a couple things. Don't cyber diagnose him with adhd. Literally, ree-fucking-diculous.

Haven’t RTFT but as a secondary teacher, please don’t send Christmas gifts in with your kids- virtually no one does it and it can be embarrassing for the child to hand w gift to a teacher in front of their friends at secondary. Also, you just don’t need to- am sure your child’s presence at school is present enough!

It sort of changes as they get older- year 11, sixth form, but at that point I assume the students are doing it because they want to and maybe have chosen/ bought/ made the gift themselves.

It can still be given to the teacher after Christmas surely? I know it's missed the 25th, but markers of appreciation are, well, appreciated all year round. Take it in via the school office to avoid any embarrassment.

Also, why was the food bank food 'too late'? Maybe for a school deadline but it won't have been stuff that would go off, surely. I'd have got him to take it to the nearest actual food bank.

I got a present from a 12 year old pupil yesterday. He wasnt bullied for it either. Maybe the bullying of pupils who do is something parents should not assume is the norm?

Op i wouldnt punish, especially as he struggles socially.

Desmondo - I know hundreds of adults with ADHD who have really struggled through life because their parents and school thought they just forgot a few things, or were lazy or needed to grow up and take more responsibility and be more organised.

It affects about 5% of children so really not re-fucking-diculous to suggest someone think about it. That's not 'cyber-diagnosing' it's making a suggestion.

Desmondo

I’m not cyber diagnosing him. I’m asking the OP why she’s certain enough to say that it’s ‘just forgetfulness’.

ADHD (especially ADD or combined) is often not recognised by teachers and parents.

And the attitude of ‘oh, just forgetful/daydreaming etc’ is actually extremely damaging, because many people that would immensely profit from treatement (not necessarily medication, btw) just continue to fly under the radar. Especially girls / women and or people with a predominantly inattentive or combined presentation.