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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make him come home?

62 replies

FedUpFreda17 · 22/12/2017 14:49

DS (11) is usually very good but very forgetful (although he always seems to remember to take his sweets, meet his friends on time etc!). Just recently he has forgotten to give food in for the food bank despite many reminders and in the end it was too late. He had it in his bag for over a week and just never handed it in to his teacher. He forgot to give in money for a charity event-didn’t spend it, just kept it in his pocket till it was too late.

Today, despite me telling him over and over and over, he forgot to give his gift to his teacher. He’s at high school and should be able to remember things which are important for others and not just for himself. He’s out with his friends after finishing at lunchtime today, at the park for a long-planned afternoon of fun. I’m really annoyed he’s just admitted on the phone not handing the gift in, and feel like asking him to come home.

Too harsh? He does struggle with friendships for various reasons so I do feel it’s important to enjoy this event as he’s been invited but i’m quite annoyed at his thoughtlessness.

What would you do?

OP posts:
RemainOptimistic · 22/12/2017 15:30

Things he thinks are important - things you think are important as his parent - pick your battles OP!

Hatsoffdear · 22/12/2017 15:30

peachy really? Never heard of gifts for any teacher past primary school. Are you on a tiny Scottish island or something? Wink

Hoppinggreen · 22/12/2017 15:30

I very much doubt he forgot to do any of those things, he was too embarrassed to. Seems silly I know but I have a dd in year 8 and such things are just not “done”
If he asks for charity money/food bank donation etc give it to him but if not don’t make him

Peachyking000 · 22/12/2017 15:31

No Hatsoffdear, I’m in NI and DS is in his last year of primary school

speakout · 22/12/2017 15:37

Things he thinks are important - things you think are important as his parent - pick your battles OP!

Exactly.

Just because they are important to the OP doesn't make them important to him.

DoculamentDoculament · 22/12/2017 15:38

Does he also lose things? Have poor concentration? Easily distracted?

If so, I'd think about inattentive ADHD.

kaitlinktm · 22/12/2017 15:43

Taught in secondary for nearly 30 years and gifts for teachers were not the norm - maybe once or twice in year 7 as parents are still in primary mode and then when tutor groups leave at the end of year 11 there may be one or two who come back in after exams with flowers and a card, (if they can get out of bed) but most - no.

Or maybe I was just a shit teacher, yeah, that'll be it. Sad

TheSnorkMaidenReturns · 22/12/2017 15:45

One of my kids has a shocking memory. He simply doesn't remember stuff. Sometimes I get frustrated about it and cross with him. But I'd never deliberately decide to tell him off for it. It's a real problem for him and he's not being difficult.

Hatsoffdear · 22/12/2017 15:46

Kat

Granted my girls brought gifts for their A level tutors on leaving school but no an 11 year old boy!! Come on that’s taking the piss and asking to be teased.

userabcname · 22/12/2017 15:48

Must be dependent on where you are Hatsoff - I got plenty of presents from my tutor group when they were 11! And it's the same across the school. Not seen as weird at all round here.

daydreamnation · 22/12/2017 15:50

My ds would have been way to embarrassed to hand a gift to a teacher in front of all his friends at that age!

Desmondo2016 · 22/12/2017 15:52

I have given up expecting my 13 year old to remember stuff Lol, that way I'm not disappointed. My older son was much the same but something must have changed along the way cos he's pretty responsivle in his early 20s. I'd lower your expectations tbh op.

I must say my daughter was much more reliable mind...

Desmondo2016 · 22/12/2017 15:53

Oh and I would spoil his afternoon iver it either. Pour yourself a Baileys and put the Pogues on love!!

Thymeout · 22/12/2017 15:53

S.E. London comprehensive, deprived area. Gift for form tutors were the norm. All-girls. Perhaps that made the difference?

Messedupnotstressedup · 22/12/2017 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FedUpFreda17 · 22/12/2017 15:55

Haha good grief! Grin

So i’m treating him like a little child, am never going to cope with the teenage years, as setting him up for having the piss taken or being kicked, and have to look out for potential SEN! Grin Mumsnet at its absolute finest!

Sooooo, for the record, no I don’t treat him like a ‘small child’, I treat him like the child he is. He is 11 years old and 5 months ago was at primary school. I find it sad that over the 6 weeks of the summer holidays between primary and secondary children are suddenly expected to no longer be children. Today, my son wore a Christmas jumper to school and was excited to do so, which only 5 others in the class chose to do (is this no longer ‘cool’ when you’re 11?), watched a panto put on by his teachers, in which he was able to shout ‘he’s behind you’, squeal at being squirted by his teachers with water pistols while in the audience. Are these not things he should be enjoying? We all say children are too quick to grow up nowadays yet suddenly at the age of 11, 5 months after leaving primary school, they are taught they are too old and should be embarrassed to express gratitude to a teacher who has nurtured them through the (difficult and underestimated) transition from a 180 pupil primary school to a 1800 pupil high school. I find that so sad. That being nice is something to be laughed at, embarrassed about...

Fortunately at my son’s school this is still very much the norm. Children bring gifts for all sorts of occasions and enjoy doing so.

My son wanted to give the gift. He asked me to help him choose something his teacher would like. He just forgot to give it to her (and no, no ADHD, just forgetfulness).

Thank you to the sensible posters who told me I was being too harsh. You’re absolutely right-i’ve taken that chill pill and and he is still out with his friends, being a child, just like an 11 year old should.

OP posts:
DearMrDilkington · 22/12/2017 15:55

He'd have been ripped to shreds by the other kids if he gave his teacher a Christmas present.

youarenotkiddingme · 22/12/2017 15:55

My ds is 13 and year 9. I make little Christmas cellophane bags of biscuits, chocolates and fudge. (Differe things in each bag!) my ds asked for some to take for his keyworker, Lsa and tutor. I know he gave them as keys wore thanked me by email!

He's autistic and so doent always naturally think beyond his own thoughts - so I think it's a sad culture 11yo don't show gratitude to those who do things for them because they are teachers etc. Also think it's sad many parents seem to be encouraging the attitude.

My way of dealing with this would be forgetting to do stuff for him - like wash his favourite jeans, buy his face biscuits at supermarket. When you get attitude just point out the hypocrisy of him being mad because someone forgot to do something for someone else!

asprinklingofsugar · 22/12/2017 15:55

Do you know if any of his friends handed in money for the charity event or food for the food bank? Because I agree with pp that the reason he's maybe not handed any of the stuff in (including the present), is because none of his friends are handing these things in either. They've also possibly made disparaging remarks about that sort of thing, as they don't think it's cool enough, and are growing up and trying to be cool and tough etc and all the things they think teenagers should be.

He may have genuinely forgotten but if he remembered later on, then he probably wouldn't want to go back to the class (or staff room) to find the teacher and hand it in. Especially if he struggles with friendships and is 11 years old, and I'm assuming is in his 1st year at high school. That's an awkward age with hormones etc, and potentially newish friends, and a new sort of social order, e.g. new popular kids. I think a lot of people at that age, are very self-conscious, and do try to fit in, so want to avoid doing anything that may be seen as embarrassing.

I know I was like that, and the only time I handed in a gift to a couple of teachers in high school was the easter term of 1st year, which was to thank them as I was moving schools. I'd struggled socially because I was quite shy, so hadn't formed close bonds with anyone really, and so wouldn't really be staying in touch with any of them, and yet I still found it embarrassing handing the gifts over.

And today is the first day of the christmas holidays so he's probably just over excited and it did just slip his mind! I'd let him away with it today - after all, I'm sure you've got more important things to be worrying about so close to christmas. Though of you wanted to, maybe you could have a chat with him at some point and try and find out if he is genuinely forgetting or if it is embarrassment, and try and work on a solution from there.

Emmasmum2013 · 22/12/2017 15:57

Have you asked him if he was too embarrassed to give the gift?
Did his class mates give gifts too?

To be fair, I don't think the student-teacher gift situation is the main issue here.
He's not done as he was told, repeatedly.
Leave him at the park and then figure out something to do when he gets in. Ask him why he forgets it. I often find that if I'm "forgetting" to do something its because I'm putting it off for some reason in the back of my mind.

Have a chat and if all you get is grunts and moans then tell him next time he forgets something like this and doesn't have a good reason why, its no x box (or whatever) for a day. If he forgets it again, 2 days... etc.

ExConstance · 22/12/2017 15:58

We used to send gifts for teachers post GCSE and A level, DS2 really appreciated the teacher who helped him to do Latin A level in his own time as it wasn't actually offered by the school (state school).

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 22/12/2017 15:58

Gifts for teachers was absolutely normal at the school I went to well over a decade ago - very much on the mainland, in the south of England.

asprinklingofsugar · 22/12/2017 16:04

Just seen your update- maybe lists would be helpful then? Could get him a notebook just for that, and have him write down what he needs to do the next day before he goes to bed? Get him into a routine of writing it and checking it, and maybe after a bit it would solve the problem. Kind of like a simplified version of bullet-journalling. Or he could make them on his phone if he has one.

Although I do think my point still stands about remembering later and not wanting to go back - I think it's still embarrassing sometimes to admit you've forgotten something! Especially if you have plans and your forgetfulness might delay them and put other people about.

DoculamentDoculament · 22/12/2017 16:23

It's not unreasonable to suggest someone consider SEN. Fine if it isn't the case.

But lots of people think ADHD is all about hyperactivity and being 'naughty' or disruptive. If you'd retrospectively viewed as many school reports as I have with children being disciplined for forgetting things, losing their gym kit, being late, not having what they need with them for lessons when they were in fact being punished for having inattentive ADHD, it would pop into your head.

It's a common disorder.

RunningOutOfCharge · 22/12/2017 16:29

Jeez..... how uptight!

You seem overly keen for your DS to go out and save the world!

He's an individual. You can't force your wishes on him! (As you are finding out!)