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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think my Mum's behaviour should be excused?

42 replies

TheOtherGirl · 22/12/2017 12:54

My Mum is 76 and 4 weeks ago was diagnosed with lung cancer and secondary brain lesions. She has her biopsy today to determine what, if any treatment, she can have.

Since her diagnosis she has been very negative which I think is perfectly understandable. She has also been very irritable to the point of almost stamping her foot in temper.

She's also been very rude in general, and has reduced her sister to tears twice ( her sister can be scatty but is running my Mum to all her appointment's, despite just recovering from an operation herself). But my Mum doesn't have a good word to say about her.

My DB bought her a new smart phone (she had a Nokia brick) thinking it would be nice and easier for her to keep in touch, and he set up a Whats App group for her. She virtually threw it back at him and was really sharp that she didn't want a new phone.

She is civil with me but is so negative that I dread speaking to her, and come off the phone in tears. She keeps saying she wants to be given a pill and just never wake up.

She lives in private sheltered housing, but is refusing to join in any of the activities but then tells me she is lonely. I go over several times a week, but I work 4 days so can't be there every day, which is what she wants.

She refuses to stay at her sister's house "It's too cold and she gets too many phone calls from her friends" (her sister was recently widowed). When her sister took her shopping, they bumped into a friend of my Auntie's - but my Mum snubbed the friend and turned her back on her.

She won't go and stay with my DB "It's cold and too cluttered and I'd be bored."

AIBU to think she should be forgiven all of the above because she must be so distraught and frightened? But DH and DB think her illness is no excuse to be openly rude. DH is protective of me and thinks my Mum should be more stoic for my sake.

I don't know what to think, and would appreciate some perspective.

OP posts:

SnowFairyDust · 22/12/2017 12:56

I don't think that anybody is going to be able to do anything right in this situation. I think you'll have to just go with it and make the best you can of it.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this though, it must be incredibly difficult for you all

Aridane · 22/12/2017 12:57

It's early days - yes, cut her some slack

DonutCone · 22/12/2017 12:58

Yes. She should get the benefit of the doubt to a point. But her sister has been ill, widowed and is caring for her without being openly rude remember. So there will come a point where people are not willing to put up with being shouted at when they are trying to help. Your Aunt actually sounds like a bit of a saint tbh.

Your DH gets a on the other hand. Surely you are a grown woman? Why does someone need to be stoic to avoid upsetting a fully grown adult with the inconvenience of them being ill. Very, very odd.

cakeymccakington · 22/12/2017 12:58

I agree with your DH and DB I'm afraid.

I get that she's probably scared, but that doesn't give her any right to treat people like shit.

If she was easier to be around she would be getting a lot more support from everyone

BertrandRussell · 22/12/2017 12:59

I suppose it depends a bit on what she was like before she was diagnosed...........

Sirzy · 22/12/2017 13:00

There is a fine line though isn’t there and it does sound like she is very close to that line. People will only take so much shit of someone, especially when they are trying to help.

BishopBrennansArse · 22/12/2017 13:01

No, she absolutely shouldn't be excused.

TatterdemalionAspie · 22/12/2017 13:06

It depends entirely on what she's usually like. If she's normally a decent, considerate person who treats people with respect, then of course you should cut her a bit of slack. If this kind of behaviour isn't hugely out of character, then no, illness is no excuse for being an arsehole.

She's had shocking news and it's a lot to come to terms with, but openly treating people like shit when they love you and are trying to help you is not an acceptable way to behave. If this is very out of character, could it be the secondary lesions in her brain that are affecting her behaviour?

Footle · 22/12/2017 13:07

If she has brain lesions her brain function is affected. Talk to her Macmillan nurse on your own, and get a better idea of what to expect.

TatterdemalionAspie · 22/12/2017 13:07

Oh, and I mean the rudeness, not the negativity - she has a right to be as negative as she likes!

jaffacake2 · 22/12/2017 13:09

It's very early days for your mum to try and process her diagnosis. It would be surprising if she wasn't angry and intolerant of those around her. Plus if she has secondary brain cancer then this will be impacting on moods.
I am sorry you are going through this painful journey with your mum.

tinytoucan · 22/12/2017 13:09

Depending on where the lesions are in her brain this could potentially affect her behaviour. If they are in the frontal lobe this can make people more irritable and less aware of social niceties. But equally, as you say she has had a big shock and this can affect people in different ways.

I'm sorry your family are going through this

DonutCone · 22/12/2017 13:10

Yes, she should be free to be as negative as she likes. But treating her Not well, recently widowed sister like shit when she's running her around is really not on despite what she is going through

BarbarianMum · 22/12/2017 13:11

Actually, and depending on their location, brain lesions can certainly make a big difference to personality and manners. Same with dementia, strkes, anything that damages the brain really.

AuntLydia · 22/12/2017 13:13

I think her behaviour can be understood to a certain extent but not necessarily excused. You can't use other people as your own personal punch bags, no matter how shit your own life is. It's not fair. And it won't actually help her in the long run either. Can she access any mental health help or support due to her diagnosis?

My Mil behaves very much like this. She's always been difficult but since being widowed and suffering from a chronic pain condition, she is just awful. She reduces her carers to tears. She treats my lovely sil like shit. She has no friends left. She is trapped in a cycle of treating people dreadfully and then being upset about being lonely. I hope you can convince your mum to get some help before she ends up like that.

nakedscientist · 22/12/2017 13:21

As a pp said, the brain lesions may well be affecting her mood. Maybe she could have some medication that may help her feel more able to cope.
I think this is very, very hard for everyone and I am sorry.

weekfour · 22/12/2017 13:25

I’m sorry this is happening to your family.

My MIL had the same diagnosis about 2 years ago. She wasn’t the most pleasant woman to begin with but was very difficult to be around after her illness became apparent. Interestingly, she also would say she just wanted to go to Dignitas. My in-laws found it really distressing and just wouldn’t answer her or pretend they’d not heard.

I think she was really scared. She wasn’t in control and she just wanted it over. We could never tell how much was rudeness, how much was illness, how much was the drugs she was taking.

I tried to just listen to her and encourage the others to actually ask her what she wanted rather than making suggestions. It was really difficult. Family dynamics comes into play and the way that relationships have formed over decades determines how comfortable people are having frank and honest conversations.

If we had our time again, I think I’d be mustering up the courage to tell her that she is alienating people, that everyone can understand how difficult it is for everyone, but what would she like to reasonably happen, within real life limits, that would make the very best of this bad situation. It’ll force her to reflect. She may come out with some unreasonable requests (I’m specifically thinking that she may ask you to be off work) but if that happens you can explain that that isn’t possible right now, and explain the reasons why. I think a clear no is better than trying to second guess.

It might also be easier once you have some kind of prognosis or treatment plan. Uncertainty is really tiring.

Darcychu · 22/12/2017 13:28

i think yes cut some slack but it sounds like shes already had some, I think enough is enough now and she obviously will be miserable but thats not a reason to have no respect for people.

Original poster

TheOtherGirl · 22/12/2017 13:28

Thank you for your input.

My Mum's lesions are in her cerebellum if that makes any difference?

TBH she hasn't had much time for her sister for a very long time. But she supposedly was very fond of her sister's DH (who had been incredibly good to her). But she barely visited him when he was ill because of some mini feud with her sister (can't remember details).

TBH I think my Mum is negative by nature, always quick to be critical or split hairs etc. She's never had anytime for my DH, or any of my DB's partners and has never really tried to hide it much. She dotes on our DDs but isn't that fussed about her other grandchildren TBH.

So a bit of a mixed bag really.

OP posts:

ExConstance · 22/12/2017 13:29

My father had lung cancer with brain lesions, the prognosis is very poor once that happens. My father became slightly odd and was certainly not himself once there was brain involvement, I understand that is quite common. Your mother was given this dreadful news only 4 weeks ago so she can be excused for being in a terrible state, she cannot have begun to come to terms with it yet. Would it be possible for someone from MacMillan to talk to her, she really needs to spend some time with someone who is knowledgeable and understanding. The problem with family is that (as I well recall) you have your own grief and worry about your loved one which makes it very hard to cope with theirs.

MorrisZapp · 22/12/2017 13:32

My mum doesn't have any serious diagnoses but behaves like this. It's a test of how much we love her, and it's very wearing.

I think it depends on your mum's normal personality. Would the normal her be appalled by this behaviour, or is this how she usually behaves?

BarbarianMum · 22/12/2017 13:33

So actually she's acting pretty much in character then.

FitBitFanClub · 22/12/2017 13:33

My mum had the same diagnosis exactly this time last year. No treatment - she was sent home to "make the most of the time left" and for palliative care.
As a pp said, I think it can depend on the nature, position and size of the lesions as to how brain function is impaired. My mother was sharp as a tack right up to the very end; she was halfway through the cryptic crossword just before she fell into a coma. She did get ratty with my dad though who, bless him, was trying his best to care for her. We had to step in and have a word with her at one point.
But with your mum, it sounds as if she's trying to come to terms with things and is railing at the world. Give her a bit of time and maybe lightly bat away some of her unkind observations, without making a big song-and-dance about it. If she's rude, then call her on it, nicely, and maybe leave for an hour or two and say you'll return when she's feeling more likely to be polite.

But to you. I really do know what you're going through. It's shit. :(

whatithink · 22/12/2017 13:33

I would cut her some slack - she is going through hell. Also, brain lesions may be changing her personality - making her behave differently.

EmilyChambers79 · 22/12/2017 13:35

she absolutely shouldn't be excused

Oh please.

The cancer and brain lesions will be affecting her personality. She's probably not being rude for fun.

My Dad was absolutely foul. He swore at me, told me o wasn't feeding him quick enough, kept hitting my hand away, telling me to shut up as I was speaking too loud. When I left that night, he was crying and told.me he was sorry. I told him don't say sorry and that I loved him. He said he loved me too.

The next day he went into a coma and died the next evening.

So based on my experience of her receiving bad news and with lesions on the brain id cut her slack. She's unlikely to get any better either and that must be frightening for her.

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