AIBU to think my Mum's behaviour should be excused?

[TheOtherGirl]

My Mum is 76 and 4 weeks ago was diagnosed with lung cancer and secondary brain lesions. She has her biopsy today to determine what, if any treatment, she can have.

Since her diagnosis she has been very negative which I think is perfectly understandable. She has also been very irritable to the point of almost stamping her foot in temper.

She's also been very rude in general, and has reduced her sister to tears twice ( her sister can be scatty but is running my Mum to all her appointment's, despite just recovering from an operation herself). But my Mum doesn't have a good word to say about her.

My DB bought her a new smart phone (she had a Nokia brick) thinking it would be nice and easier for her to keep in touch, and he set up a Whats App group for her. She virtually threw it back at him and was really sharp that she didn't want a new phone.

She is civil with me but is so negative that I dread speaking to her, and come off the phone in tears. She keeps saying she wants to be given a pill and just never wake up.

She lives in private sheltered housing, but is refusing to join in any of the activities but then tells me she is lonely. I go over several times a week, but I work 4 days so can't be there every day, which is what she wants.

She refuses to stay at her sister's house "It's too cold and she gets too many phone calls from her friends" (her sister was recently widowed). When her sister took her shopping, they bumped into a friend of my Auntie's - but my Mum snubbed the friend and turned her back on her.

She won't go and stay with my DB "It's cold and too cluttered and I'd be bored."

AIBU to think she should be forgiven all of the above because she must be so distraught and frightened? But DH and DB think her illness is no excuse to be openly rude. DH is protective of me and thinks my Mum should be more stoic for my sake.

I don't know what to think, and would appreciate some perspective.

a relative of ours recently died but had secondary brain lesions. The last year was progressively harder each week as her brain function was so impaired. She was a very lovely, patient person but for the last year was rude, aggressive, angry, so angry. She had no memory of any episodes once they had passed but was increasingly confused too. She had no control over her behaviour.

FOrtunately we all remembered it was the disease not the person and try very hard not to think of that year.

Sounds awful all round.

I think for that generation being angry/rude/withdrawing can be easier than showing how sad and upset you actually are.

Yanbu it's a terrifying time for the person it's happening to. I've just been through it with a relative. Horrific.
I'm sorry

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Actually, and depending on their location, brain lesions can certainly make a big difference to personality and manners. Same with dementia, strkes, anything that damages the brain really.

You were quoting and responding to me there, BarbarianMum, and I'd gone on to say later in the post that it could be the brain lesions causing her behaviour.

TheOtherGirl it sounds like this isn't hugely out of character behaviour, then, sadly. There is often a degree of disinhibition with brain injuries/deterioration, so the lesions may be may be worsening her usual treatment of everyone.

It'll be a big period of adjustment for all of you in coming to terms with it, and I think you all (you, your DB and your aunt) have to handle things as you feel you need to, whether that is by laying down boundaries for behaviour from her or tolerating her unkindness.

Be gentle with yourself and each other.

The cerebellum is responsible for movement and balance, it's not involved in emotion or cognition.

It sounds as though she's just scared or angry and is taking it out on other people - behaving as she always has but more so.

She needs to back off the nastiness with her sister though, and it would be kind of someone to tell her so.

I agree with respect to the brain lesions
Can you search the symptoms and discuss with her HCPs?
My friend's SIL was a very socially awkward and difficult person for many years. A scan for unrelated issue revealed a benign brain tumour which was removed.
She was transformed and is a happy and charming person now.
Ask you family to try to understand and to also accept that she will be terrified.
I hope you and your mother can access some support

YANBU
My mum also had brain metastases with lung cancer and they did affect her personality (frontal lobe) cerebellum would more likely be associated with co-ordination problems.
If your mother's treatment is the same as mine she will be on high dose steroids, these can provoke anger and personality changes, coupled with the awful news site has just received! for you and your mum OP

*she not site!

I think you gave to cut her some slack, no matter what her personality was like before this awful diagnosis.

She must be going through absolute hell.

I don’t actually think some of the things you have described in your op are that bad.

Saying she doesn’t want a new phone, I can understand. She probably doesn’t feel she wants to get to grips with new technology.

The “turning her back on her sister’s friend” - maybe she just couldn’t face talking to someone and them asking how she was?

Being negative and saying she wants a pill: my grandma said exactly the same thing for several years before she died. Yes, it’s uosetting to hear but if that’s how she feels she should be allowed to voice it.

It is very shocking news for all of you and it’s still very early days. You just have to try to support each other as best you can but you should all be behind your Mum.

for this horrible, shitty situation.

I thought I was thinking very controversial thoughts, but most people think similarly to me....

Firstly, I think that the person with the diagnosis gets to set the 'tone' for others around them. So, for example if they say "I don't want to make a fuss" then everyone around them who loves them should do their best not to make a fuss.

BUT, having a diagnosis doesn't make someone a nicer person. In my dad's case he was an arse (I loved him, but he was) and after his diagnosis, he wasn't any less of an arse, and in lots of ways he was way more.

Decide what you're going to challenge and challenge it, and decide what you're going to let go and let it go.

But it's a vile situation, and I'm so sorry.

You've just described dhs grandma to a tee. She had a tumour rather than lesions. I think it was called a pagets tumour, so non cancerous but it affected mood and personality. She could be very mean and so negative but it was the illness. Yanbu.

I feel so sorry for you and your mum.

I think yes you just have to cut her some slack and let her be angry / upset - she must be terrified and very angry at the diagnosis.

My mum is a similar age and suffers with chronic ill health (although not terminal, thankfully) and is very difficult and horrible to be around when she has been through bad patches of it. But I also have chronic health conditions and I know how utterly awful it can be. At times you don’t want to be around anyone, and everyone just drives you insane. And other times you’re so poorly you’re very frightened and want people around.

I hope your mum gets a treatment plan soon, this might help her to feel more in control.

Depending on where the lesions are they could be having a huge impact on how she feels and thinks. If youre able to accompany her to one of her neurology appointments you could ask the consultant whoch might reassure you all a bit. Sorry thibgs are so roigh for you all xx

a

Qp

I don’t think you stop being truthful in your relationship as she probably needs the reassurance that life and loves continues as normal. I do think that compassion, tolerance and support through the final chapters of her life are vital for you all.
Her brain lessons could be directly affecting both mood and behaviour. Poor woman is almost certainly terrified. Her cerebella lesions can be making life a bit harder with diffculty over fine motor kills and feeling unsteady. She might also be having the most awful headaches. Plus her breathing is going to make her constantly short of breath which itself is a horrible feeling.
I do think you can and should talk about how her behaviour makes you and others feel but with the reassurance that your love and support remains. Making polite conversation in activities with near strangers doesn’t stop the total vulnerability that fear of dying has created; that’s not who she feels lonely for. She won’t want to be pretending to feel jolly making Christmas cards with other folk when her every thought is that this might be her last Christmas.
It’s realy tough for all involved. You need to all support each other. Has she got Day hospice support yet? If not maybe suggest it with GP as they do social activities in a tolerant and non judgemental environment with symptom control, counselling and other support services. It’s not all about the dying - it’s about enjoying the living.

Op

You sound like a very loving family and your Mum is just being very VERY honest About how a shit she feels .

Remember her sister has known her all her life so will be more understanding anyway .

Give her time .

I can well imagine so be very very kind to yourself at the moment .

Also - is she wants to take a pill and die legally she can . I am not saying that you book her a one way flight to Switzerland but if she seriously discussing this or making idle threats ?

This is all part of the passage of life . It’s hard and it’s shitty