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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to not go to Christmas?

36 replies

HuskyMcClusky · 22/12/2017 04:02

I’m having a pre-Christmas meltdown. The forced family togetherness, the general feeling of not being good enough, the constant socialising. I feel physically sick and have been crying all day. (It’s probably worth saying that I have chronic depression anyway, & am on meds).

Can’t get in to see anyone medical, and really feel like I’m losing it.

Can anyone suggest anything practical I can do, please? Flowers

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HuskyMcClusky · 22/12/2017 04:05

Re: thread title - I have to drive 5 hours by myself to get to family. I just don’t feel like I can do it.

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 22/12/2017 04:09

Do you feel like you'd be any better if you do go and be around family? Would they be understanding?

awifeyforlifey · 22/12/2017 04:10

I'm so sorry. You sound like a lovely person, and you really deserve to focus on you and not everyone else right now. I went through a really difficult time awhile back, and having a soft toy nearby made things feel just a touch less bleak. Is there anything you can do for yourself right now, call someone and arrange lunch or coffee? Even if you don't feel up to it, it can be a distraction to just get out. I hope things get better for you soon. Flowers

Kingsclerelass · 22/12/2017 04:11

You could cut the socialising back a bit, to what you think you can manage. It's your xmas too so you are entitled to hide under the duvet for a bit if that's what helps.
As for not being good enough, that's my crown Smile. Can't cook a roast to save my life, always say the wrong thing or get tactless presents.
Just remember your dcs think you are wonderful and love you to bits, and in the end that's all that matters.
Sounds like a hot chocolate sort of a night. ..... x

CiderwithBuda · 22/12/2017 04:13

Would you feel better staying at home? Are people depending on you to go?

To be honest if you live alone and don't HAVE to go I wouldn't. Stay home. Get yourself some nice food in. Watch some TV. Read some books. Pamper yourself. Go for some nice walks.

HuskyMcClusky · 22/12/2017 04:14

Do you feel like you'd be any better if you do go and be around family? Would they be understanding?

No. That’s part of the problem; they don’t get it at all. They are all happy & winning at life, and I’m single and skint and depressed.

awifey, thank you, that’s kind. I couldn’t see anyone in person right now, I literally can’t stop crying. Blush

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HuskyMcClusky · 22/12/2017 04:15

My mum is hosting and has had a tough year (medical). She’ll be so upset if I don’t go.

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awifeyforlifey · 22/12/2017 04:16

HuskyMcClusky, if I lived nearby that wouldn't bother me. You could cry the whole time nonstop into your coffee if you pleased. I'm sure others on here feel the same way. :)

HuskyMcClusky · 22/12/2017 04:17

Thank you. Flowers I just feel like I’m losing at the competition that is life at the moment. And that’s what it feels like - a competition.

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CiderwithBuda · 22/12/2017 04:19

I'm sure she will be upset but I'm equally sure she would hate to see you so upset.

I think if I were you I would say I was ill with flu/virus or something and stay home. Then visit at a quieter time when it's not so pressurised etc.

HuskyMcClusky · 22/12/2017 04:22

Nobody will believe me if I fake illness. It’s not flu season (I’m in Aus), and I’m physically healthy as a horse.

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HuskyMcClusky · 22/12/2017 04:23

Sorry, not trying to shoot down all suggestions - I just know it’ll cause a major upset if I don’t show.

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awifeyforlifey · 22/12/2017 04:24

Food poisoning?

DianaT1969 · 22/12/2017 04:29

Sorry you are feeling this way OP.
If you live 5 hours from family, is that part of the overall problem? Could this be a wake up call that you should move nearer to your loved ones so that you have regular support? Your mum probably would have like to see you more too if she was unwell.

Perhaps working out which positive changes are feasible could help you get through this period. Would looking for a better paid job, joining a hobby/exercise group, getting a pet/walking outdoors etc help?

sashh · 22/12/2017 04:38

You do not need to drive and you do not need to socialise with your family.

I don't celebrate Xmas, but even when I did I often did it on my own. You can have a really chilling day.

Illness can be faked. If you come out in a rash and can't get to see a Dr then you can't socialise in case it is measles or chicken pox. It might turn out to be a heat rash but you never know Wink Or your friend may have been round with her dc who came down with CP so you have been exposed and can't risk passing it on.

You only need to do this once and next year you can say how it really helped you relax.

HuskyMcClusky · 22/12/2017 04:42

I’m unemployed at the moment, mostly due to poorly-managed depression. I very much need to deal with this in the New Year. But my extended family don’t know this and I don’t want the pitying looks etc. And to feel like dirt because everyone is doing better than I am.

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HuskyMcClusky · 22/12/2017 04:44

To them, depression = ‘being negative’.

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MaitlandGirl · 22/12/2017 04:46

Would car trouble be a way out?

Forced family gatherings are hard at the best of times but Christmas just makes things so much harder.

CiderwithBuda · 22/12/2017 05:01

I think you need to prioritise your mental health.

If you think about not going how does it make you feel? Relieved? Or more panicky? If more panicky is that guilt related?

Even healthy as a horse people pick up viruses or get food poisoning or bad colds. And although it's not great to lie sometimes needs must. Or you could just say you don't know what's wrong but you feel weak and shaky and ill and are not safe to drive.

HuskyMcClusky · 22/12/2017 05:06

If I think about not going at all, I feel awful. Mostly because my mum (who has done loads for me) will be so, so disappointed.

I think I need to find a way to manage myself and go. Just struggling with the logistics.

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tralaaa · 22/12/2017 05:10

Tell you Mum the truth. Tell her how you feel that you won’t be good company and are not going. It’s one day, she should be concerned for you and want your life to be easier not cross with you you. Be firm. Your not going your staying at home on your own and having a rest and being kind to yourself bliss. Enjoy your Christmas your way

HuskyMcClusky · 22/12/2017 05:10

Sorry, this thread is boring and self-indulgent. I just don’t have anyone to talk to IRL. I don’t want anyone to know.

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Gaudeamus · 22/12/2017 05:11

Here is the site of the Australian Samaritans. Please keep their number close and call them any time you feel distraught - they also do email contact if you don't want to speak. It's for anyone in emotional turmoil, and that's where you are right now. Your local MH services might also have some sort of crisis line so have a look if you can at least get in touch with them if not go in at the moment.

For the Christmas period, it sounds like to you need to get a plan in place so you feel less overwhelmed. The way you describe it, Christmas is like this avalanche that's rushing up to smash you and there's nothing you can do about it - if you can take control by making decisions about how to get through it, the sense of panic might be less.

Speaking for myself, I would probably not feel better avoiding family if it meant spending a lot of time alone. Will you have people around you if you decide not to do the drive?

If you do go, would it help to call your mum in advance and tell her that you're not feeling well and are going to need a lot of rest time during the holiday? She might not understand but at least you will have stated your situation upfront and will have a bit more weight behind you when you need to duck out of social events. You could ask her for the calendar of everything that's planned and you could decide ahead of time which you want to go to, which are definite nos and which you'll do if you feel up to it - maybe think about any measures you can take to make things doable, like taking your own car on visits so you can leave early if necessary.

What sort of thing do you think would be healing and restful for you over the next week? Make a resolution to do a 20min walk per day, have a healthy breakfast or go to bed by a certain time each night - whatever you can do to make a structure around you to take some of the strain. Maybe take a favourite book or music that will help you make a safety bubble you can go in when you feel stressed. If there are people you're looking forward to seeing, try to make plans to spend time with them one-on-one so you can enjoy their company without the crowd. Is there any part of Christmas that you enjoy, like a carol concert or preparing a particular dish? Try to make sure you get to do it so there's something less stressful to take your mind off the pressure.

Is there any way you can break the journey there and back, or even fly instead? I know many Aussies consider a 5hr drive a leisure activity, but it sounds lonely and exhausting to me and if you can get out of it that might help with the whole feeling of dread.

I hope Christmas turns out better than you expect, and the New Year is better than this one.

HuskyMcClusky · 22/12/2017 05:48

Thanks, Gaudeamus Flowers

Your comment about needing a plan struck a note with me. It just all feels out of control. Every year, this happens. I feel as if I’m told what everyone else wants to do, and then summonsed to fit in.

The drive is essentially 5 hours of desert, alone, with a broken car air conditioner. I have to drop my dog (who is kind of my ‘security blanket’, I admit) at kennels before I leave.

I think because I’m depressed and not thinking clearly, I’m filled with dread before I even set off.

There will be people everywhere at the house I’m staying in (large family), and I don’t do well with that at the best of times.

I don’t know. I will try and write out a plan this afternoon. Thanks again.

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HuskyMcClusky · 22/12/2017 06:03

A big part of the problem right now is the crying. Need to stop bloody crying in order to get anything done, but they keep leaking out! Blush

Does anyone else do this or am I just pathetic?

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