My 2 year old loves Mummy more then Mama!

[2mammas]

My two year old daughter has started to shun me in favour of my wife. I gave birth to her and also took the first year off with her so I thought we'd have a super close bond. My wife is a more cheerful and happy person by nature but I also end up taking more than my fair share of the discipline and making sure she eats right and has manners etc. My wife lets her get away with more!
I'm gutted now when she wakes in the night and I go in and she shouts "No Mama! Want Mummy!".
What can I do? Is it normal? I know it's normal for Dad's but for mums too?
Help please! I feel so bad... my wife also feels bad as she sees that it upsets me

I'm loving some of these comments though. If I am compared to a rodent or a soft toy... I'm going to feel happier!

It means nothing.

Kids do this.

Mine do. At first I was a bit miffed but actually when they hit the ‘I want Daddy ‘ phase I’m more than happy for beloved Daddy to go and sort out the sleep dodger while I, the unpopular parent, get to continue sleeping/ drinking wine/ Mumsnetting etc. Off you go. They want you....!! 😂

"It will change back and forth until you are both traded in for a rodent. "
Bwahahaha! Yes, this.

It's much harder work being favourite parent. I feel sad, but also heartily relieved, when I switch back to being the second-favourite parent.

I know it isn't the same but my sister once said something to my nephew about seeing his "favourite uncle" so DN said "Uncle Star Wars" and she said no another uncle. He then explained that DH was favourite uncle (of the moment) and she was like but he is more of a disciplinarian and he was just all still favourite. Kid's change. They appreciate different qualities at different times with different people. It must be thinking that DC prefers another parent but I don't think it will be a permanent thing.

When I was a child I know I seemed to prefer my Dad then as I got older it was my Mum. But that was because time with my Dad was novel when I was little and I could get away with anything, but I know my Mum's stability & discipline turned me into a good person. I still love them both equally.

My DD is much younger than yours, but I agree with everyone else. This feels familiar.

My DP is the bio mum and for months DD would only settle for me. Then I had an operation and couldn't pick her up, and she got used to only DP at bedtime, and wouldn't settle for me. Her favourite thing always is to demand to sit on one mummy's lap then clutch frantically towards the other one, just to demonstrate that the mummy you have is far inferior to the one you could have in 3 seconds time ...

The trick is resilience and consistency

This!

@Rainatnight thank you! I understand actually... we both expect to be the favoured 'Mum' but actually, I appear to be taking more of a 'Dad Role'. I'm the one more likely to rough and tumble but as I gave birth, I thought she'd love me more!! I actually feel embarrassed to admit that. And also happy that she loves her other mummy so much.
I'm so conflicted!
Hopefully it'll swing about and we'll both get our turn❤️

Your DD is learning about loving people, about her parents being different people and about herself. She's practicing for when she'll be forming friendships outside the family.

I think it was child psychotherapist Winnacot who said "Every loyalty involves a disloyalty."
Your DD is playing with those ideas. Just smile. Ride it out. Make sure you do some nice things together. If your naturally more serious that's fine. You dont need to be a jester but what do you like to do together- walks, bubbly bath, stories, play dough, making biscuits?

Once when babysitting my granddaughter she shouted for mummy -when I explained mummy out she waited for me to return downstairs then shouted for daddy .Plodded upstairs again and explained daddy out .Just settled downstairs again when she shouted down"anyone but grandma"--they do try to wind you up-!

Have you spoken to your partner about this? She may well be getting the same 'not you - I want the other one' response, As Abisothergran says sometimes they are just contrary!!

OP, I think it’s hard as single sexed parents and even harder when you’re the one who has carried her and given birth. It’s almost like we expect them to have that bond with us from the get go. All the blood, sweat and tears you put in really adds to it.

My DD did go through this. Not with her father but with ex MIL. Which was a real slap in the face because this woman was so smug about it etc “Oh DD, you just prefer nanny over that silly, mean mummy don’t you.” Yes, mummy is mean for not letting DD run into on coming traffic.

My kids like whoever isn't currently telling them off. They swing from me to my dh. I do remember feeling very sad when it first happened though, both ways round.

It is hard being the parent who tends to do more discipline. With us, I'm at home more with them, so I get bored and grouchy, then dh comes home from work with more patience/energy/novelty value, and is generally more fun than me. I don't think it's that they love one more than the other though. My eldest (5) said something interesting the other day, when I asked why she didn't write me an invite to her (imaginary) party, she said, incredulously, "because you're always there". I think she is possibly closer in some ways to me, and in other ways to her dad, and that's how it should be - the relationships are different, and they get different things out of each one. Don't worry, and don't be sad. It's totally normal!

My 5 year old massively preferred DH to me until about a year ago. Now she splits her affection more evenly but today I am flavour of the month and she told him that she loved him but she way preferred me and that if the house was burning down she'd make sure I got out but would leave him behind.

Her little sister turned round and said she didn't love me but she loved DH and she didn't want a goodnight kiss from me because only he is allowed to cuddle her this week, although I could kiss her teddy goodnight if I wanted.

Last week both of them preferred me.

I fully expect Christmas Day to be a day where they both prefer him because we got them a certain amount of lego and that's one of the things he does with them.

It will change a number of times as they grow up!

DD2 actually prefers the cats and the puppy to both of us, and I don't see that changing, even though it's DH she has a parent preference for at the moment. The most important person in her life is her teddy bear.

Pretty normal.

Ds1 is a complete Daddy’s boy - and has just cried for 30 mins tonight for a cuddle whilst daddy bathed ds2. He was literally screaming for daddy when he was lying in my arms.

Ds2 is 5 months so I’m making the most of being very obviously his favourite parent before he also rejects me

OP, I’m not criticising you in any way but have you read up on child development o see what you can expect at various stages? That way you can shape your discipline to your DD’s timetable — that is, catch her when she is ready. Unless she is doing something that needs to be stopped immediately for health and safety reasons try to catch her when she’s good ie when she picks up her spoon and uses it to feed herself be effusive in your praise. If she uses her fingers don’t check her immediately but distract and hand her her spoon. Maybe have a few different coloured plastic spoons and ask her what colour she would like to use.
It’s a learning game for all first time mums and we tend to feel stuff is more important with the first and relax with later children. Whatever things you are worried about eg being dry at night, not hitting people, etc etc you can be sure she won’t be doing those things when she gets to secondary school. So do try to relax and enjoy her after putting so much work and love into her. Discuss with your DW what behaviours are important to you both and agree to both be consistent in dealing with them but be realistic in your expectations. Regarding manners make sure you both model them for her (even if you have to exaggerate them) and you will have no future problems
I’m sure your DD loves you deeply and this won’t be the last time she pests you — that’s kids for you.
Good luck and may your wee family have a magical Christmas together

When ds was about 2 he gazed into my eyes and said “I love you, mummy” Befote I had a chance to respond, he continued “But I love Gracie [big sister] daddy and the kittens more”

This changes in our home weekly.

Our girl loves mummy and daddy and tells us so all the time, but there are days or weeks when she is clearly favouring one or the other. It depends which of us is in a better mood.

She’s consistent with certain things though. Mummy ALWAYS has to read her bedtime story and daddy ALWAYS has to wipe her bum 😄

There is usually one parent who the daily discipline falls to and the other person gets to do fun. It doesn’t make them love either one any less and frankly, at 2 years old when she favoured her daddy for a while, I enjoyed the peace 😂

This is totally normal. My three year old stepson goes through phases of favouring me over his dad- my OH- and he isn't even my child!

Totally normal

Dd 9mths will bellow dada or daaaaaaaaaaaaaaad when I get her

And when with daddy she moans mamma

Fickle

Tho you and dp need to be on same wavelength on disapline

Cindie I didn't see anything in OP's posts that suggested she wasn't be age and stage appropriate with regards to discipline.

being not be...

I used to look after my nephew with my mum. She was his favourite. I would say no to something and he would just go to her and she'd give in. He enjoyed playing us off against each other. What helped was when we agreed to back each other up. If I said no she wasn't allowed to say yes. So maybe make sure you're on the same page with discipline. And not going to one for comfort when the other tells them off. Also I stopped chasing after him to have interaction. He would usually reject me and want my mum. I ignored him a bit and he started to come to me to play. These may not work in your situation but I hope it helps. It's natural for babies to have favourites of the moment. Try not to take it personally.

Not being the favoured parent in the middle of the night is a massive win in my books.
Both of mine have done this at various times and it never lasts long.

Going through this at the moment 😭 It's so difficult, I'm also the Eat Your Greens Parent. I used to be the favoured one, DS would bawl his head off if I left and DH took over but now it's the other way around. I'm taking some time off work for a while and I do feel that since that has begun things have become a bit better, but who knows, all I can do is keep on loving him.

The last line of Peter Pan: ‘so long as children are gay and innocent and heartless’.

I think men get away with it more as it’s expected that mum will be more loved. I can’t imagine how hard this is.