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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this his / her family stuff is nonsense

44 replies

ADayGivingMeHope · 21/12/2017 16:14

I've seen it loads on threads recently where people are asking why one partner is buying for the other partners family because it's 'their family, their responsibility' (I'm talking mainly about kids here).

I buy gifts for my nieces and nephews on both mine and DH side of the family.

As far as I'm concerned, all my nieces and nephews are just as much my family on both sides, I don't see why I wouldn't buy for them.

OP posts:
DamnCommandments · 21/12/2017 16:16

If men were equally likely to take responsibility for gifts for various nephews and nieces, this would come up rather less...

timeisnotaline · 21/12/2017 16:17

The point is a way to share the load with your dh. If you were stressed, exhausted with a billion things to do , it's a simple split to make sure your dh contributes. My dh wouldn't notice if my family didn't have presents from us but he would feel terrible if it were his. I imagine many are similar.
Ideally of course no one makes this distinction, but present buying is not wife work.

FuzzyCustard · 21/12/2017 16:18

That's lovely for you but not necessarily how every family does or should work.

I don't buy for any member of DH's family, he doesn't buy for mine, although all gifts are labelled from both of us.

Whatever works for you.

SavoyCabbage · 21/12/2017 16:18

It’s about the work involved. It shouldn’t fall to one person to do all of the present thinking and buying and wrapping.

It’s great that your way works for you. I’m really close to my sister and know her dc really well so if dh started buying their presents it wouldn’t work for us. He buys for his brother’s dc as he knows them better.

PurpleMinionMummy · 21/12/2017 16:28

I see your point. I think the issue is that this often gets taken for granted. Does it occur to your dh to buy for his and your side? Or does he just assume you will take care of it? My dh now does 'his side'. I have enough mental load at xmas, he can have some of it!

CurryWorst · 21/12/2017 16:29

As far as I'm concerned, all my nieces and nephews are just as much my family on both sides, I don't see why I wouldn't buy for them

Oh really? You should have told us all, since we all have to feel exactly the same as you and do what you think we should.

Xmas Hmm
Chchchchangeabout · 21/12/2017 16:30

My oh and I prefer to choose gifts for our respective sides of the family. I don't personally think of his family as the same as mine either. They're his family and mine are mine.

Allthebestnamesareused · 21/12/2017 16:31

The thread you are referring to was actually a girlfriend buying for her boyfriend's nephews and nieces who she'd never met though. Slightly different!

Finola1step · 21/12/2017 16:31

For me, it is simply about at equal division of work and mental load.

Jedbartletforpresident · 21/12/2017 16:35

I agree OP - nieces and nephews on both sides of the family are equally family for both of us. I am just as much an aunt to DH's brothers' DC as I am to my sisters' DC. I do tend to do all the gift buying but simply because we share things based on our strengths and preferences - I'm a SAHM and like choosing and wrapping gifts. DH works pretty long hours and really doesn't enjoy buying gifts! (Equally - he has just booked our upcoming holiday, sorted flights, car hire and accommodation etc because I hate searching the internet for that kind of thing and I'm not a big planner months in advance whereas he is, so he enjoys getting it done early.)

I do not however buy for MIL or FIL because they are both total pain in the asses to buy for and I really don't know them at all. To be honest, DH doesn't really "know" them either, but it's def not a forte of mine and therefore not something I take on. It's not about his family/my family though - more about who's best placed to buy the best gifts.

(We also share all finances however and have no separate his money/my money and I know that makes us weird in the MN world)

Looneytune253 · 21/12/2017 16:37

Is it not more to do with buying for his mum etc. That should be done by the son in my opinion.

FuzzyCustard · 21/12/2017 16:38

My DH's nephews and nieces call him "Uncle X" and me "Fuzzy" so they clearly don't see us equally!

In my family, no-one is called "Uncle" or "Aunt" so that solves that one!

CMOTDibbler · 21/12/2017 16:40

When I hear that a man is 'treating the families as equal' and spending time sorting presents for his partners gran etc, then I'll believe it.

CurryWorst · 21/12/2017 16:43

I buy gifts for my nieces and nephews on both mine and DH side of the family

And thats out of some sense of fairness and not because he cons you into doing it all every year?

is there something magical about vaginas that bestow gift buying properties?

Chienrouge · 21/12/2017 16:45

When I hear that a man is 'treating the families as equal' and spending time sorting presents for his partners gran etc, then I'll believe it

This, exactly. OP if you see them as family and shop for their presents, I presume your DH does the same for your side?

Mupflup · 21/12/2017 16:50

Crying at the thought of DH choosing presents for my DNs or my mum. He'd go to the shops and pick them up for me if I gave him a list but I wouldn't in a million years expect him to choose things. When we got together I was very clear that I wouldn't do the wifework of presents for his family, and he was clear he didn't want / expect me to. However what this usually means in practice is my family's presents are purchased, packed and sent in plenty of time for Christmas whereas his often get nothing. I'm pretty sure both my MILs think this is my fault though because I'm female !

womblinglove · 21/12/2017 16:50

Yep. We are one family - lots of us and blended and we buy between us for everyone - including exes and their partners.

TheRottweiler · 21/12/2017 16:55

I would never expect my DH to buy ANY presents. He works an average 70 hour week and wouldn't have a clue what to buy.

I like it that way.

I enjoy buying presents, he wouldn't know where to start.

I enjoy wrapping them, he wouldn't have a clue how to.

I'm probably in a minority, but I prefer to see my man working hard as a provider - not doing trivial things like fussing over a present.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 21/12/2017 17:05

I think you may be in the minority Rottweiler, yes Hmm

scortja · 21/12/2017 17:07

I prefer to see my man working hard as a provider - not doing trivial things like fussing over a present

Love it!!!

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 21/12/2017 17:13

There's a magical thing called the Internet that allows you to buy gifts at any time of day or night. Also supermarkets are open 24 hours a day btw!
As to him having no clue how to wrap a gift...😵

Don't you get any gifts on your birthday or Mother's Day Rottweiler?

Chienrouge · 21/12/2017 17:14

I'm probably in a minority, but I prefer to see my man working hard as a provider - not doing trivial things like fussing over a present

But you’re happy to spend your time ‘fussing over a present’?

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 21/12/2017 17:15

I think people say that because women often bear the brunt of the mental load when the husbands are the ones who speak to his side of the family more so would know that Granny fancied a copy of the new Jamie Oliver cookbook or that his nephew prefers Spiderman over Batman.

Chienrouge · 21/12/2017 17:16

and wouldn't have a clue what to buy

Why wouldn’t he? Does he not know your family/friends? Know what their interests are? What they like? How sad.

Does he ever buy you a present OP? Or does he not know you either?

Dancinggoat · 21/12/2017 17:20

I'd say it's down to what you're good at. Present buying is a skill. If you both find it difficult then it becomes a problem of who does the buying.
I'm lucky as we see family as equal from both sides and my H loves to shop. Our only problem is when we disagree about what we think they'd like.

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