To think this his / her family stuff is nonsense

[ADayGivingMeHope]

I've seen it loads on threads recently where people are asking why one partner is buying for the other partners family because it's 'their family, their responsibility' (I'm talking mainly about kids here).

I buy gifts for my nieces and nephews on both mine and DH side of the family.

As far as I'm concerned, all my nieces and nephews are just as much my family on both sides, I don't see why I wouldn't buy for them.

I didn't initially split it. But then I realised just cos I have a vagina is so not a reason to be responsible for all of fucking Christmas. Especially since his side does way more present giving than mine.

I would have laughed had it not been so depressing when a family member told me the presents for her dc were as much as a surprise for her dh as the dc on Christmas morning. She works full time, same as him.

I think that's fine if that's how it works for you. For us, it's more a matter of sharing the burden of doing the shopping and the expense. We don't have any nieces and nephews (our kids are the only ones, except for extended family, like 2nd cousins, who we don't see or buy for anyway). But often we do divide the work and expense of buying presents by family. I buy for my family and my husband buys for his. Not because like they aren't equally our family, but neither of us has time (or money) to buy for everyone, so we share the work and the expense. We both work full-time in busy professional careers with non-traditional hours. It's enough of a pain in the ass just to buy for my own family frankly (and to ship it all, because neither side lives near us so we usually don't see them most years and everything has to be wrapped and shipped). So we each do a bit and then it turns out roughly equal effort without anyone dealing with too much hassle. And we tend to know the people we buy for best so they don't get anything too weird.

Normally we've done "my side your side", he knows his parents and brother better than I do. He knows his dn's as well as I do, and we both struggle with what to get sil (his brother's wife).

This year he's been mental with work, so I've ended up doing most of it, although that has involved doing an amazon basket for his parents and telling to go look at which things to order /not do, and I did pick up gifts for the DNs this year - seemed odd not having his input. SIL I went for "inoffensive female gift"...

The relationships are primarily his, not mine. My Uncle divorced when I was about 9, and the next time I saw his exw, my aunt, it was 2 decades later at my gran's funeral.

I'm surprised so many people see it as his / hers family instead of just their family... I think we must be quite lucky in this cos everyone on both sides feels the same. We're aunt and uncle to all the kids as they all are to ours.

I do the 'main item' shopping because I'm crazy anal about lists and order 😬 and DH is really lovely and tries to buy great presents but he's got a super practical head on him so he always buys things that people need rather than fun / treats etc so he gets the Dads gifts, I get the mums and all the kids and he does the siblings gifts (we have lots of siblings who have lots of kids so it's usually just chocolates / wine for the grown ups)

“Doesn’t know how to wrap presents”

Really? You fell for that one?😂

Nope, I buy for my family, DH buys for his. Though I will help him out with ideas if he can’t think of anything.

And no, sorry but I do feel much more connected to my sisters’ children than the daughter of my husband’s brother. I just do. And I know SIL feels the same about her biological niece and nephew.

I'm with you op, we both buy for whoever not an issue of my family or his, just who has seen something they think someone will like or who has time.
My dh is really good at buying presents spending money though, he's even bought stuff for my ex h off dd that he's seen before now. maybe he has a shopping habit

I have bought a Christmas present for a mutual friend's baby. Fiance has to hand it over because I won't see them before Christmas.

I have not bought a present for his best man's baby, because I don't like him as a person, and I'm not doing it on my fiance's behalf either, even though the baby has been given his name as a middle name. He can work that one out for himself tbh. (Spoiler alert, no gift will be bought, not even a card. Not my responsibility - it's fiance's relationship to blight if he chooses)

It's a blend of spite and principle - I am curious to see how the (vile, thieving misogynistic) friend takes it.

I had no idea what to get for my Mum and her DH for christmas last week. DH declared "I'll sort it" and booked them a fancy suite at Coombe Abbey. I have never known him do anything of the sort before; he's usually happy to leave it to me but when he's left to his own devices can actually choose lovely stuff. I've given him a list of people we've still got to buy for and he's happy to search til he finds the right thing.

The only stipulation is that I still have to 'direct' him; without a list of who and how and where and when he'd have no idea, so he's not that amazing.

I with you - it’s our family. All of them on both sides. We split with my husband doing bulk of big presents for all. I do all the stockings for everyone and he does big presents. We discuss what we’re getting but he usually does the actual purchasing. So today we popped out. I picked up two photographic prints I’d had made for stockings, some socks and boxers and then went to Waterstones to buy stocking books. He bought one daughter a jacket from Joules, cuff links and a dress shirt for one son and an evening bag for his sister.

It's just a convenient way to split the load.

It is fairer, and better in our 2 WOHP family, than not splitting the load. I can't comprehend how that could be controversial or "nonsense".

I wouldn't dream of buying my fil a present, anymore than dh would get my mum a present. Some years fil didn't get a present which I was sorry about but actually my husband's fault. I start on the kids presents, because I like shopping and planning. However, we always go to the shops together a few weeks before and buy a bunch of stuff together and he often gets things for the kids without consultation. He's actually great at choosing presents when he puts his mind to it. I receive occasionally very thoughtful gifts and usually nice gifts, one or two times a shit gift but it often corresponds to how busy he's been. I think I'm the same. I didn't buy him anything this year because I am medically barred from driving and the thing he wants can't really be bought online. Anyway. Men can do and should buy presents

I like buying the gifts, so do that for both sides of the family . I don't see it as a chore.

DH pulls his finger out and does his fair share of the wrapping though.

DH has never met my niece and nephew. I have only met my niece once, 7 years ago. He might wave in the background when we're skyping, just as my Bil does at their end.

DH has 8 DNs but only buys for the two who are his godchildren (we are in a Catholic country, the other DNs will get gifts from their godparents). Two of his DNs he has never met, he has only seen one photo of the eldest of those two. DH doesn't ask my advice on what to buy for his side of the family because i don't have a fucking clue. I don't bother discussing my family's/friends' presents either.

As for not having a clue how to wrap a present it is one of the most pathetic things i have read on here. Take paper, cut to size, fold, sellotape. Who cares that it doesn't look Pinterest-worthy.

DH helped our 6yo wrap a present for me yesterday. They made it look like a cracker; a square cracker that ran through the sellotape factory, drunk, shouting 'cover me in your sticky glory'. It is fabulous and fills my heart with love when i look at it.

Sometimes i feel like the very worst kind of wife, very lazy, not giving two stuffs about gifts for DH's family. Then i wake up!

I think it depends in part how long you've been together.

I would feel sad and ashamed if my DP knew my family as well as her own - it would reflect badly on me! Perhaps if you buy very generic gifts for all family, or if you have known each other these 30 years, it is different. With the best will in the world, it will take me some time to know DP's mum as well as she does, or for DP to understand exactly why my brother will like this item well enough, but will be delighted with that gift.

Our family is very much our family. DH buys the gifts gift cards for his side's adults & I tend to buy the adult gifts on my side because they get actual gifts (I also buy gifts for my sister from my parents and vice versa as apparently I am the only person who knows what anyone wants). There are only children on my side & we buy their gifts together.

I think it has more to do with who we are buying for really though. I like wrapping gifts and my side like receiving wrapped gifts. DH's side like receiving gift cards so they can choose stuff & DH doesn't like wrapping so it works for us.

I think DH has a point though, just read the OP to him and he said it probably has something to do with when they joined the family in a lot of instances. The children on my side have either known him their whole lives or since a few months old. My sister's eldest called him Uncle long before they called me Auntie.