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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit irritated with my mil over this

54 replies

Amberlight003 · 21/12/2017 15:13

Ok so a month ago I bought most of my daughters Christmas presents, she only has 6 presents off us as I was made redundant recently and it’s been a struggle ever since and I’m still out of work. Kind of scraped the barrel to buy presents for 2 kids. Anyway I put a picture up on my blog and mother in law and sister in law viewed it and commented on it. Two of the main presents were a dolls bath and dolls bed, which were both in the picture.

Fast forward to last week my mother in law told my daughter who is 3 that ‘nannas bought you a dolls bath and dolly bed for you to play with at my house’. She buys toys all year round but they’re always for at her house. I was a bit irritated that she’s gone and bought 2 items off our Christmas list of things right before Christmas but for her own house anyway. We said after she said it that we’ve bought her those for Christmas, she acted completely surprised despite seeing the picture. Anyway we went for dinner 2 days later and she gets the dolls bed and bath out for dd to play with. DD was amazed etc. I just thought couldn’t she have put that all away until after Christmas as she knows we’ve bought her that this year for her main Christmas present, the rest is just crappy things really. Why go and spoil the wow factor to it all?

We’ve seen her about 2 times since and she’s brought it up both time...’are you going to come to nannas and play with my dolls bath and bed soon...you can come for the day and play with them it’ll be so much fun’ bla bla bla.

It’s just irritated me. Would it you?

OP posts:

lunatune · 21/12/2017 16:13

Wow I could of written this. Same thing happened to me a couple of years ago except my mil asked me to my face what I was getting ds for Christmas. I of course told her as she said it in a way that was put across that she needed to know so she didn't get the same. She then went out and bought the exact same things and gave them to him in November. When I confronted her she denied that I ever told her and called me a liar whilst crying to get sympathy of other family members! Vile and unhinged. Everyone in the family believed her but luckily my dh since then has said he believes me. I have no advice for you except never tell her anything from now on, I think in the long run she's done herself no favours as I don't include her in anything now, no updates on things ds has done. She misses out on a lot of stuff she doesn't realise and it's all because of stunts like this. I will never forgive my mil for ruining that Christmas.

ShellyBoobs · 21/12/2017 16:30

She sounds like an utter cow.

mummmy2017 · 21/12/2017 16:35

I had a neighbour who always copied, my child at 4 would deliberately tell the mum of any new toys, and say I was going to buy it her on Payday, she only told me about it years afterwards, and how funny she found it that any toy she wanted could be made to appear this way.
Children are far cleverer than we think, your child will see Her Nan as being mean as the toys are withheld from her, soon she will have the toys to play with in her own home anytime she wants, and will lose interest in the ones her Nan has, the woman is going to end up with a houseful of tat.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/12/2017 16:36

How spiteful.

Look, she's not a friend of your family. Start pulling back. She behaves like this - wanting to get one over on you, even if it spoils her granddaughter's presents - then learn that lesson.

If you're planning on seeing her over Christmas, change those plans.

Start pulling away.

KurriKurri · 21/12/2017 16:41

She sounds very mean - that's a very calculated nasty thing to do.
I am sure your DD will be thrilled with another different doll for Christmas if she is into dolls at the moment. Would you be able to swap the bath for a different bit of doll equipment ?

Your MIL is using a child's Christmas to somehow have a did at you and do something that she knows will annoy you. That's pretty pathetic.

TheRottweiler · 21/12/2017 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TittyGolightly · 21/12/2017 16:44

Take the stuff back. Or buy your DD her own hammer (real) and let her smash your MIL’s set up along with the gender stereotypes. :)

ClareB83 · 21/12/2017 16:48

OP that was so mean of your MIL. I wouldn't go as far as some pp on here. I wouldn't bother saying anything or getting into an argument - she knows what's she's done.

I would maybe exchange presents for something else, but then again your DD will like them in her Home full time. So it depends on whether they're easy to exchange and you have another idea.

I would make sure not to tell MIL anything about presents again.

And that's probably it. If there are other issues I would take steps to set clear boundaries, but if this is it I'd just learn my lesson and move on.

Animation86 · 21/12/2017 16:51

There are some downright rotten to the core D-I-Ls on here

you actually think what the MIL in this case did here was acceptable, I assume?

autumnkate · 21/12/2017 17:03

My MIL is just like this. They babysat for my DS the week before his second birthday and turned up with an entire party tea in tin foil including a birthday cake with candles that they lit and sang Happy Birthday for WHILE I WAS OUT.

Thingywhatsit · 21/12/2017 17:06

I would be absolutely fuming op if any of my child's grandparents pulled this stunt. It is not what a caring grandparent would do - which probably means she doesn't add much value to your family's life.

I would start withdrawing contact and seeing them on your terms only - but if your dh is not onboard and wishes to ignore your mil's behaviour this would be quite difficult.

Does she pull similar stunts with her other grandchildren (if she has any?)

underneaththeash · 21/12/2017 17:20

My MIL did something similar a few years ago, she asked in conversation what the children were getting for Christmas and I told her a few of the things and she also go them for Christmas. Thing was, I'd put them in the Santa sacks, so they'd already opened them when they got her identical presents.....its was really odd and awkward.

We had tried in previous years asking her to get a particular thing, but she would never manage to do it (even with links). So now I just don't tell her and she just gets random stuff that they already has.

Anyway OP I'd be really annoyed as well, next year don't say anything.

FizzyGreenWater · 21/12/2017 17:39

TheRottweiler - I had a granny who you sound a little like.

Hated her when I was old enough to realise the dynamic.

She too seemed to think she was somehow an equal 'part' of the family. Thing is, it's never actually like that. You make it clear that you think less of the mum, undermine them, even if justified - you lose. Because no matter what relationship you have with that child, their very sense of self is tied up with their parents and home. Usually especially their mum.

You attack and sneer at their mum, you attack them. That's how children see it. That's how they feel. They feel you're slagging off them and their home life.

Don't know your story but I can guess how your grandkids are going to feel about you when they're older. It won't be straightforward.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 21/12/2017 17:41

No... wait... Rottweiler you think that deliberately spoiling a GCs Christmas is fine, alls fair in love and war as long as MILs win?

Bloody Nora!

FizzyGreenWater · 21/12/2017 17:42

Oh and yes what the MIL did was basically spoiling her granddaughter's Christmas present surprises to get one over on her DIL, possibly even her own son too.

Her GD is little now, but OP is quite rightly seeing a possible warning sign of what her MIL is going to be like - seeing doing things as a competition, even if competing actually takes pleasure away from the children.

As a person who was once a child with a grandmother like that, FROM EXPERIENCE, I say loud and clear to OP to pull away from a person like that.

isadoradancing123 · 21/12/2017 17:43

I would have to have it out with her, no way would I allow rpthat

DeStijl · 21/12/2017 17:50

Why wouldn't you say something to her?

KurriKurri · 21/12/2017 18:00

There are some downright rotten to the core D-I-Ls on here

I have seen evidence of any, if you don;t like your DIL why don;t you just leave her alone instead of trying to piss her off? - how childish you sound.

I've siad I think the MIL in this case is out of order and mean. My own MIL is long gone, I am a MIL now, I wouldn't dream of doing anything like this, my DIL is lovely and I always discuss presents with her so I don't double up on stuff or spoil special moments.

toomuchtooold · 21/12/2017 18:00

IME people like that enjoy the drama of a confrontation so just make sure she doesn't get the chance to do it again. You might want to look at the book Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward, as well.

nutnerk · 21/12/2017 18:50

You have to start putting her on an 'information diet' - don't tell her things that would allow her to do this sort of thing again. Stay vague, don't tell her things unless she asks and plead with your DH to do the same.
Sorry you have to deal with this :(

Hatsoffdear · 21/12/2017 19:43

Another mil here who adores her dils and she sounds horrible.

We have a playroom at our house as we help out with childcare 3 days a week. This Christmas we have brought toys for their house and for ours. Then they have all new toys to play with here Xmas day and at theirs.

God hope that doesn’t make me and grandpa controlling?

Animation86 · 21/12/2017 19:46

Hats that makes sense though, you do so much childcare!

Original poster

Amberlight003 · 21/12/2017 20:04

Hats - not at all. It saves the parents carting toys every time and obviously grandparents like to indulge and buy toys for their house, I know I will! But I just didn’t get buying the same stuff as we have bought her for Christmas and then most of all I didn’t understand getting those toys out 2 weeks before Christmas for her to play with.

OP posts:

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 21/12/2017 20:32

Firstly, why share that sort of info on Facebook or wherever? Secondly, next time she asks what you have bought say oh I am not going to tell you that because you’ll do the same thing you did at Christmas. Finally, I would deffo change the toys and when she asks why say when you saw the ones she bought you realised they just weren’t right for DD so you bought something she would enjoy more!

AvoidingDM · 21/12/2017 20:52

I've had a similar MIL, lesson learned tell her nothing.
I would change the gifts you have if possible

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