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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU saying no to taking newborn to meet people?

66 replies

TravellinTeacher · 21/12/2017 01:45

Our first baby is due in the next week and pregnancy has not been an easy one!
OH and I live 4 to 6 hours drive away from our respective families. I’ve said I’m happy to have visitors as soon as we’re of Labour and on PostNatal so they didn’t make the journey to be told I wasn’t having visitors.
My 82-year-old grandpa is flying over from Canada to see baby and a friend who is a single parent, working shifts and doesn’t drive is making the 7 hour train journey to see us.
However, OH’s family and my 3 of my closest friends have turned around and said we should bring the baby to them while OH is off - so before baby is 2 weeks old!

So what is like to know is...
Am I being unreasonable saying “No, if they want to see baby they need to come to us.”?

OP posts:

BackBoiler · 21/12/2017 08:19

Why plan this.....you could have lots of stitches, a c section or you may need time to establish feeding. The baby could also be jaundiced etc. Not trying to frighten you and everything will probably be fine but good reasons for not making big plans to travel.

Also why should you and your family 'be put up'. You should be getting your baby used to the outside world in his/her new home.

londonrach · 21/12/2017 08:22

Nope they come to you. Yanbu. Never heard of anything else. My bil even hired a car to bring my parents for the day to meet dd.

Deux · 21/12/2017 08:24

Tell them that your time post-birth will be done the old fashioned way and you’ll be having a 6 week confinement at home.

Plus, you really can’t expect a newborn to spend that long in a car seat. And you’ll have stop frequently to feed baby/change nappy.

TillyTheTiger · 21/12/2017 08:26

No way, it would be incredibly unfair on you and your baby to travel any distance at all for at least a few weeks, if not the first few months, depending on how complicated a birth you have and how long it takes to recover.
Also be clear that visits to your home need to be on your terms - your priority is to look after your tiny vulnerable newborn, not to run around after loads of visitors. If you need to set time limits, if you need to go to another room with the baby to rest, if you need to take your baby off a visitor because they're unsettled, if you need to tell MIL she can't see baby because she has a bad cold, then just do it politely but firmly and don't feel bad about it.

MrTrebus · 21/12/2017 08:31

Forget the baby which would be hard enough, YOU would not be able to make that journey at that stage you'll be bleeding so much and if you had a C section you won't be able to sit for that long 100% can speak from experience. I can't believe they'd ask that of you anyway! What a bunch of lazy self righteous twats. Say no and don't feel guilty. In fact I'd be saying "I can't believe you just asked me that" to make them feel guilty.

Chaosofcalm · 21/12/2017 08:38

New borns should only travel in a car if it is essential and should only be in car seat for 30 mins max at a time.

It is a ridiculous journey to ask someone who has a new born to travel or someone who has just been a traumatic event as a birth and/or possibly major surgery.

steppemum · 21/12/2017 08:38

we travelled to Holland when my first baby was 5 weeks old.

I really struggled to sit in the car for that long (3 hours on ferry, 3 hours to house) as I was still pretty sore (stiches) and bleeding. Not to mention the poonami on the ferry that left me in tears.
And I found it very hard being with newborn in other people's houses.
ds was an easy baby. slept through the night at 5 weeks, happy smiley and easy to feed, and I still found it veyr stressful.
If he had been anything else, we wouldn't have made it at all.

Recommendations you can use are

baby shoudln't be in crowded places before 2 weeks due to infection, so travelling away from home isn't good
you are under midwife etc until they sign you off, and that if officially at your 6 week check, so again, can't go away from home
car seats are not good for small babies, and they shouldn't sit in them for more than 2 hours, and the journey is 3-4

next time they suggest it, get your dh to laugh and say - Yeah right, not very realistic!!

VileyRose · 21/12/2017 08:50

I done a 4hr drive when LO was 3 week old. We stopped once and she pretty much slept whole way. It was easier than it is now at 11mths!x

Neverender · 21/12/2017 09:06

I'd tell them you're going to see how the birth goes before you commit to anything (including having visitors). You may have a c-section, you may have a tear, you may need to stay in hospital...equally, you may be out in 24hrs and feeling great but you don't know yet how you'll feel.

ColdFeetWarmHeart · 21/12/2017 09:25

I would very politely infirm them that the 2 weeks your DH is off is to 1) look after you and help you look after baby and 2) for you all to bond as a family. It's not holiday to traipse around the country!!

My youngest is 3 months old. I also had a bad pregnancy and told people in advance that I wouldn't be making any trips myself for a minimum of 3 weeks. In the end it was about 5 weeks before I made 45 min drive to my nan's. I only took baby to see elderly relatives that can't really leave the house. Everyone else came to me.

My advice would be not to commit to anything at all. Just tell people you'll have to see what happens and make arrangements once baby is here and you are settled. Even if you have no stitches etc, you will be shattered, especially the first week or so. You might not want people around. I certainly didn't, not even those who were helping with housework etc. I just wanted to curl up on the sofa with my kids.

Hope it all goes well op!!

Pumpkinpie657 · 21/12/2017 09:35

You are NBU; please OP don’t give in to them and do this. It’s such a precious time and it flies by. You will have enough on your plate and any precious moments when you don’t have visitors need to be spent as a 3, enjoying each other... not in the car. It will also be really really hard to establish BF if that is something you are interested in doing. I beg of you to put yourself and your baby first here! Coming from a mum who wishes she’d turned visitors away, let alone gone out my way to see them.

altiara · 21/12/2017 09:55

No way!!!
BUT I wouldn’t phrase it the way you said, I’d say we plan to / need to stay home for the first xxx weeks. Same thing but not telling them what to do.

If you need to have to explain you can - establishing bf, MW/HV appointments, car journey would take twice as long, you’ll likely be in pain...

I personally had a maternity care assistant come everyday to help with bf for a month with DC1, then with DC2 I had to keep going back to hospital as I had cellulitis where I had various drips put in (anaemic and had iron infusions). So I had to stay home/close to home.

KalaLaka · 21/12/2017 10:01

Did they mean it in a kind way, so you don't have to do anything and can be waited on? I really wouldn't plan anything. Play it by ear when baby arrives, and see how you feel. You may be bored stiff at home after a week, or you may be recovering from a more complicated birth and want to stay in.

peachgreen · 21/12/2017 10:25

Ha. I'm due in January and have already made it clear that we won't be seeing ANYONE for at least the first week, and when we do it will be in our house!

Handsfull13 · 21/12/2017 10:27

I would put a stop to this right now.
Even if you start getting cabin fever and want to leave the house you won't want to travel that far, probably only to the shop and back will do.
In the first two weeks you barely know if your coming or going. Your either establishing breastfeeding or working out how much formula to feed and how often.
As long as you are comfortable having people visit in whatever state you are then they can come to you.
I still hadn't stopped bleeding after two weeks and no way would I be change pads and sometimes underwear at someone else's house. You don't need the stress or remembering to pack everything.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 21/12/2017 10:29

Current advice is to not have newborn in car seat for longer than 30 mins - fuck would I be driving any distance with them at that age.

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