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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be terrified about what happens next

40 replies

Gottagetthroughthis17 · 21/12/2017 00:11

I have 2 children age 2 and 4. They adore their dad, and he adores them. I am desperately unhappy with him and have been for a long time. He's always blamed my depression on us not getting on. I am now having therapy, and it's becoming clearer to me that my depression is in part caused by living with a man I don't love / like. I am so miserable. He's miserable. The kids clearly pick up on it and I need to end things - he knows it's coming.

I'm just completely terrified. I don't know how I'll cope. He is supportive when I am down. He loves our children. What if I'm not good enough for them. What if I can't cope. What if they suffer all because of what I want. I can't sleep.

My eldest is poorly and her dad is sleeping on the floor next to her bed. It should be me sleeping next to her but I'm having panic attacks and need to calm down.

OP posts:
RaindropsAndSparkles · 21/12/2017 00:18

Why don't you love or like him?

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 21/12/2017 00:19

I could have written this a couple of years ago.

In my case, my depression significantly eased once we'd split up. I found myself able to cope with more than I'd ever thought possible, and my brain is calmer than it's been in ages.

My ex was supportive when I was down aswell. Also when I was ill. Once I got better he started being a shithead again.

You WILL be good enough, you will cope, and you'll be amazing. This is the scariest part, no wonder you're having panic attacks.

Have you got a plan for ending things?

Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 21/12/2017 00:26

There's no obvious reason why I don't like or love him. I just don't. Some minor reasons that spring to mind. I feel lonely when I'm with him. He doesn't get me. I feel like he pretends to like me so that he can have the family life. His actions don't match him words. He never listens to me, he seems to switch off when I speak. He is critical. He never takes responsibility for anything. He's very defensive. He doesn't appreciate me.

How did you end things Sheraaargh?

I don't have a plan no. I just know I need to break things off once and for all. I don't want to be the reason for breaking up the family but he won't. He buries his head in the sand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 21/12/2017 00:37

Bump

OP posts:
RaindropsAndSparkles · 21/12/2017 00:43

I think you just need to make a decision. If It's go, then go. Don't prolong the agony.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 21/12/2017 00:45

My DH's friend has just left his wife of twenty years for the same reasons OP. Do it now....he lived a lie for all those years and in the words of his wife "took her youth making it harder for her to meet anyone else now" as she's in her late 40s.

Leave.

Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 21/12/2017 00:46

I have made a decision but he won't accept it. He manages to talk me round every time. I've been trying to end things for over a year. I'm so pathetic. I feel like an outsider in my own family. I can't take it anymore. I just want to be happy but don't even know if I will ever be happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 21/12/2017 00:49

Cheapsausages - did you friend want the breakup or did her husband initiate it?

I know he is not being honest when he tells me he loves me. There's no feeling, no warmth. He's tense all the time. I feel sick that I let it go on so long and potentially damaged my children in the mean time as they will have picked up on the tension.

OP posts:
SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 21/12/2017 00:55

Once I started the beginning of a plan, it all fell into place. I started with the financial stuff, made plans for childcare, things like that.

Ultimately, you just have to make the decision. For me, if was when I worked out that I could actually afford it, and logistically manage things, that I felt free to make the decision to end it.

I did plan a lot, made sure I had things in place so that it was as straight forward as possible once I'd pulled the plug. My kids are older though, so also had to factor in talking to them about it all.

You sound like you're not quite there yet. You dont need to do anything right now... But if you want to do this, just start the beginning of a plan and then the rest will come.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 21/12/2017 00:55

Sorry, huge xpost

LadyB49 · 21/12/2017 00:58

He doesn't have to accept it, you just do it.
He can't talk you round if you refuse to discuss it. Broken record.... Repeat and don't discuss unless he's willing to discuss what way you will do it. If he won't leave then will you rent. Do you have family that you and your dc can stay will till you find a rental. Get all your paperwork gathered, bank accounts, passports, important documents.

I always knew that one day I would be strong enough to make the break. In the meantime i gathered up £2k that would see me over the initial break and until details were sorted. It was a life line.

Make your plans

Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 21/12/2017 01:03

I just feel like I'm wrong for wanting to end things with him. Like there's something wrong with me. I can't trust my own judgement anymore and that's why I let him talk me round each time. If only he would admit it isn't working out then I could leave. But he insists he loves me and what if he does and I'm just a horrible person for feeling the way I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 21/12/2017 01:04

I don't mean I would leave my children. Just the relationship.

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 21/12/2017 01:05

You deserve the chance though OP and your current life is patently not making you happy. Of course you're scared, change is always scary but is it honestly any scarier than the thought of still being where you are now in 10 or 20 years?

How far have you got with a practical plan? I don't know your circumstances but have you any ideas about who will live where, how things will look financially etc? Might you feel calmer if you tried to concentrate on the practicalities of separating rather than the emotional impact for the time being? Having a plan (that you can choose whether to implement when you're ready) might make you feel a bit more in control and help you see a way forward, it will also show him you mean business if/when you're ready to take the next step.

I just think seeing how it might all actually work in practice might make it feel like a more solid possibility rather than just having this huge, terrifying but slightly abstract picture in your mind of what separating might mean for your family. The relationships board on here is full of posters who've been where you are OP, you'll find heaps of support over there if you need it along the way Flowers

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 21/12/2017 01:07

You don't love him

Staying won't be beneficial to your children, it'll harm them if anything. They're still tiny, if you're going to leave it's far better to do when they're small. It's so much harder once theyre big

cordeliavorkosigan · 21/12/2017 07:07

He doesn’t have to agree, it’s not a consensus. It’s over if one person says it’s over.

whiteroseredrose · 21/12/2017 07:25

Why not take one step at a time? You're having therapy for your depression so focus on that for now. Once your head is in a better place you can think again.

It could be that these feelings are a part of your depression. You must have loved or liked him enough a couple of years ago to have a second child with him. Maybe when you've not got the black dog hanging over you your feelings will be different. If not, then that is the time to make plans, probably not while you're having panic attacks. It would damned hard looking after 2 little ones on your own when you're 100% mentally fit let alone when you're not.

Ijustlovefood · 21/12/2017 07:36

I think the panic attacks and other symptoms will ease once your away from him.

Laiste · 21/12/2017 07:42

What does your plan include for where the children will spend their time? Will you stay in the house with them and ask him to leave? Will you move out with plans for them to live 50/50? Will you move out with them and he have them at weekends/days off?

Would you rent? Go with family?

I've left a long marriage. Trust me getting on with decisions and doing it is not as bad as the stage just before it.

Original poster
Gottagetthroughthis17 · 21/12/2017 07:55

He doesn't have to agree, you are right. But by him not even admitting there are issues means the entire decision rests on my shoulders. Breaking up the family is then my fault. I have terrible feelings of guilt anyway let alone this.

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 21/12/2017 07:57

I ended things with my dh for the same reasons, I was having therapy for anxiety and it became clear that dh was making my anxiety worse, I didn’t love him anymore, I couldn’t even share a bed with him. It took me a while to pluck up the courage to end it, my dd’s were 9 and 11 (both have autism), I was worried how I would cope and the first couple months were a emotional roller coaster but my anxiety improved and I found it easier to look after my dd’s. He still helps out with the, and sees them a couple times a week. I made the right choice.

roundaboutthetown · 21/12/2017 07:59

Can you not do a trial separation? Why is it stay forever or leave forever? If you just do it as a trial, you never know, he might also realise how much happier he could be without you, too.

ShiftyMcGifty · 21/12/2017 08:02

Those are pretty valid reasons not to love someone anymore.

I read something another poster wrote here, which I thought you might find useful on a thread about work team building exercises. I can’t find the post, so I’ll try to paraphrase.

She declined to attend with a “no” and her manager asked why “why?”

Her reply was (much more eloquently said), the only reason you’re asking me that is to use whatever I say to try to change my mind. As there is no possibility of me changing my mind, there is no point to answer your “why”

Use the same approach to separate. Tell him you do feel he is owed an explanation and you’ve given him one. But he only used it to manipulate and guilt you into staying and didn’t really listen to what you were telling him. So you won’t be repeating yourself again this time. You’ve already explained yourself.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 21/12/2017 08:03

I agree with whiteroseredrose that it is hard to tell from your posts whether your feelings about him spring in part from your depression or whether the depression is originating from the situation between you. I wonder whether couples therapy may be appropriate alongside your individual therapy (which I would urge you to continue with)?

You can't expect him to leave 'for you' if he doesn't want to. You are going to have to be the 'reason for breaking up the family', if this is your decision. It's going to have to be 'your fault'. But if this marriage really is intolerable, I can tell you now that it will be better for your dc to have you apart and co-parenting amicably than miserably together. I can tell you this because I grew up with unhappily married parents.

MessyBun247 · 21/12/2017 08:05

OP I’m going through something similar. 6 years, almost 2 year old DD, lovely house. But I didn’t love him. Exact same reasons, I’m lonely with him, he doesn’t listen, doesn’t understand me or even try to, no interest in me as a person, just wants the picture perfect life with no effort or warmth on his part.

So I just told him I didn’t love him and there was no future together. It was hard but I had to do it. Our house will be going up for sale in the New Year. I will be a single parent to 2 DDs and you know what, I can’t wait. Even though I know it won’t be easy, it will be 100 times better than living a fake happy life with someone who doesn’t care about me.

He dragged me down so much, we just weren’t right for each other. He’s a good dad but not a good life partner.

For you it sounds like it is inevitable. Just start making plans.