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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be terrified about what happens next

40 replies

Gottagetthroughthis17 · 21/12/2017 00:11

I have 2 children age 2 and 4. They adore their dad, and he adores them. I am desperately unhappy with him and have been for a long time. He's always blamed my depression on us not getting on. I am now having therapy, and it's becoming clearer to me that my depression is in part caused by living with a man I don't love / like. I am so miserable. He's miserable. The kids clearly pick up on it and I need to end things - he knows it's coming.

I'm just completely terrified. I don't know how I'll cope. He is supportive when I am down. He loves our children. What if I'm not good enough for them. What if I can't cope. What if they suffer all because of what I want. I can't sleep.

My eldest is poorly and her dad is sleeping on the floor next to her bed. It should be me sleeping next to her but I'm having panic attacks and need to calm down.

OP posts:

PurpleWithRed · 21/12/2017 08:13

If he is as unhappy in the relationship as you say he is (and I am sure he is) then he is acting like this so you look like the bad guy who broke up the marriage. He is being selfish and cowardly.

You know the marriage has to end, for the sake of all four of you. You do have the opportunity to do some practical planning and some research - finances, how and where you will live and so forth. Take that opportunity, come here for advice and information and for moral support, and promise yourself that next Christmas will be a happy one.

Original poster

Gottagetthroughthis17 · 21/12/2017 08:16

Purple I think you're right. He's doing it on purpose. How on earth can he be happy? We haven't shared a room for years. There's no love or affection at all. We barely even speak. Yet he says he loves me and can't understand why I have issues with the relationship.

I would be fine money wise. He would leave and I'd stay in the house with the children.

OP posts:

roundaboutthetown · 21/12/2017 08:21

Why are you sure he would leave and you would stay with the children?

Original poster

Gottagetthroughthis17 · 21/12/2017 08:29

Because we have temporarily broken up before and he has moved out. He will do it again. He would move a couple of hours away, he's referred to this before.

OP posts:

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 21/12/2017 08:37

You can’t be a horrible person for not loving him, EVEN if he loves you.
It’s not because someone loves you that you have to love them too.

He would move a couple of hours away, he's referred to this before.
So he is ensuring that he is going to make it as hard as he can for you, regardless of the effect in the dcs?
When you did separate, was he also expecting you to do all the driving to pick up the dcs, even though he was the one to move away?
He is manipulating you there.
And that not the actions of a nice, loving man. Actually, your description of what isn’t going well (the not listening etc...) aren’t small th8ngs. They are the hallmark of someone who just doesn’t care about you/loves you :(

kittensinmydinner1 · 21/12/2017 08:42

My eldest is poorly and her dad is sleeping on the floor next to her bed. It should be me sleeping next to her but I'm having panic attacks and need to calm down.

You need to ask yourself honestly, are the panic attacks because he is there or do you have fragile mental health regardless of him being there or not. ?
He may not be a good DH but he sounds like a committed father. Would he not consider living nearby and sharing care 50/50 ? Or perhaps he would want the children to live with him and see you weekends.

roundaboutthetown · 21/12/2017 08:42

Hermione - that's a massive leap you've made there. The OP has said nothing about why he would move 2 hours away. Nor why she expects him to be the one to leave - just that this is what has happened before.

Dozer · 21/12/2017 08:44

Make a plan, and in your plan assume the worst: don’t assume he will be decent about moving out, money or parenting.

If he really would move 2 hours away and rarely see the DC that alone would be good reason to LTB IMO because that’s really shit.

justmatureenough2bdad · 21/12/2017 08:53

probably worth giving consideration to the fact that you cant just walk away with your children. they are his too and if you are ill with depression then he may call into question your capacity to lone parent effectively...

Copperkettles · 21/12/2017 08:59

I think as women we're so trained to feel guilty about putting ourselves first.

You have a right to be happy. It is in your dc's interest that you are. Yes splitting up will be hard at times but it sounds like the best course of action for you.

I know in your shoes I'd be completely drowning. I can't evrn imagine how trapped i'd feel. Leave and I feel really confident that in a year with the dust settled you will be so much happier.

You will cope. Humans are immensely strong. We are survivors. You just have to make that leap.

Laiste · 21/12/2017 09:00

Yes i would be very cautious about when push comes to shove he'll be happy to leave you in the house. Maybe he will, and let him move 2 hours away if that's what he wants. You can't control him anymore than you should be letting him control you.

When i left my marriage the DCs wanted to come and live in my rented house with me. It was only round the corner. XH insisted he wouldn't leave our home and that he would have the DCs 50/50. That lasted one week. No surprise tbh. Within 6 months he was living with a girlfriend an hour and a half's drive away and the house he said he treasured so much he wouldn't leave and would be 'the children's sanctuary' () slowly went to hell. Filthy and unheated :(

We had to sell in the end because he didn't want it and i didn't want to keep moving the DCs about and it went for less than it should have because of the state he'd made of it.

Just have a plan B OP.

NotAgainYoda · 21/12/2017 09:02

I think that you may need to start to think about him in a less charitable way, and accept that he may lash out. I say that because he has been pretending for a long time and he may wish to prolong the pretending (that it's your fault, that he doesn't understand why you'd want to end the marriage) afterwards.

I also agree that practical steps will help at this stage. Doing is always a better way of changing than thinking. You sound pretty certain to me. You just may have to accept that he won't agree - at least for a while. And that's not your fault.

NotAgainYoda · 21/12/2017 09:03

Sorry, I missed a couple of posts above and see others have said much the same as me

Original poster

Gottagetthroughthis17 · 21/12/2017 10:26

He definitely will leave as he'll want to play the victim. He won't want the children 50/50 as he will work long hours (he doesn't work now but the industry he's in needs long hours).

He knows I'm a capable mum. Just inside I am low and depressed. I'm sure he must know deep down it's because we're living a lie. I'm happy when I spend time with other people or when it's just me and the kids. But when it's all of us together I feel low.

OP posts:

Original poster

Gottagetthroughthis17 · 21/12/2017 10:28

Notagainyoda - doing is better than thinking, I like that thank you. It's so scary thinking. Thinking how I'll cope, how he'll react, how the kids will be affected. I've thought and thought and thought. Now I just need to do! It's the wrong time of year for it, but we can at least have a conversation and start putting the wheels in motion.

OP posts:

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