Baby bore

[Loveache]

So my DSIS has two DS aged three and one. I don't have kids and don't intend to. I'll be spending the Christmas period with our parents and she plus kids are coming to stay too from Boxing Day. The issue is that for the last three years plus the nine months of first pregnancy she has talked about literally nothing other than babies. I'm not exaggerating to say that she's barely even said 'how are you' to anyone for the duration never mind anything else.
What you get instead is a non-stop laundry list monologue about the DC. (They are nice little kids btw). It'll be something like pointing out all their clothes and demanding that you say how cute each and every item is. A list of what they've eaten for the last (feels like) month: 'He liked sweet potato but spat out peas'. 'He liked carrots' 'Nursery gave him melon'. About how the youngest can nearly walk but hasn't yet. How his hair has grown and they might get it cut. His shoes were dirty after nursery. He's wearing a different kind of nappy. He vomited last week but it was nothing. Look at his toy dog. Etc etc. This will be regularly punctuated by her pointing out the children and what they're doing at the moment. 'Look, look, he's picked up a block! Look, he's got another one the same colour! That's RED! Who's a clever boy? Isn't he clever?!'
Our mother thinks I 'should' be interested in small children because I'm a woman. Which is ridiculous, but she'll listen to baby talk for hours and blast anyone who dares to say it's dull. 'YOU were a baby once!' (Moot fucking point).
I can't escape the house for long because it's arse end of nowhere with nowhere near to go, and no car. Escaping in the house is considered beyond rude and will cause a row.
I'm dreading this frankly because I don't think I can bite my tongue and refrain from shouting Jesus Christ shut up about your kids for the whole week. So- is she being a self-centric baby bore or AIBU because I don't have kids?

Try and make conversation with her about other things that don't involve children- hobbies, alcohol, memories pre children?

Or make a lighthearted joke/pull her up on it in a jokey way.

Or lots and lots of

Maybe just don’t respond except to smile and nod and go to your happy place? I have to do that sometimes when people are boring the life out of me.

I suppose if your responses to any/everything babycentric is a disinterested 'yeah' with a bored look and an examination of your fingernails you'll be accused of being rude - which it is. I certainly understand your boredom.

Perhaps she's a bit overwhelmed by motherhood. Think back to what her conversation was like before she had children - did she have any interests which have been dropped due to a lack of time and energy?

I love babies but she sounds seriously boring.

How about a live mumsnet commentary? You can update us on her conversation for us to take the piss out of.

Yes please to live updates! It will give you something to do while nodding and smiling, (and also entertainment for us ).

Just spent a night and morning with one of these. It is so dull. I have two children of my own but I tried to bring up talk about Trump, how BREXIT is perceived abroad (I live in another European country). NOTHING. I asked about people in her life, family and friends but I got bumbling answers. I had brought her child visit gifts and a Christmas present for the day. I had Poppe ditto Primary to top up basics and got her child a t.shirt. I held up a funny slogan t.shirt I had bought for my child (five years older than hers) and she said 'its too big' it's like she had forgotten I had children. I am seriously rethinking my level of involvement

As most of us do, she's talking about something that's relevant and important to her. At the same time, conversation is a two way thing, showing interest in others and asking questions about them.

Another option, take a game you like to play and hopefully if she joins in that'll divert her into thinking about something else. Chances are she won't join in as she'll be wrapped up in the little ones.

You mentioned you can't leave the house as it's considered rude, perhaps you could tell a porkie and say you're going for a walk as you've got a headache and want to try and clear it so you can stay the rest of the day). I have to admit my DD was struggling with bad period pain last Xmas Day and both of us were overheating as it was far too hot, so we both went out for a walk (in the hope said period pain would ease), we invited others to come but no one did.

This is easy. Whats your hobby OP? Whats your interest?

Absolutely love Theducksarenotmyfriends's suggestion:

Have you got a pet? If not pretend you've got a cat. Every time she talks about babies you talk about cats. If he picks up a red block and she mentions if say 'oh that reminds me of Fluffy's new red collar...

Brilliant.

I forgot to say in my post, that when I later had a DD of my own my DSis wasn't really at all interested in anything I had to say (I don't think I witter on about her, either) - some people are just rather self-obsessed! I reckon if you think back to before she had DC you'll be able to think of examples of her going on and on about work, or whatever.

I'm going to stash gin and sit in the upstairs loo with a fake upset tummy and a book, aren't I?

Don't knock it OP - it's infinitely preferable to the alternative. I told my sister that I'd eaten a bad pork pie.

Buy a newspaper every day that you can, and spend a large part of the day at the dining table (or on the sofa) reading it. Make sure it is left out for general use. Talk about things you find in it. That way you and she both have access to the same amount of information, and if you occasionally spend time playing with her kids as directed upthread then she won't be able to pull the passive aggressive 'I've got no time 'cos KIDS' nonsense.

If you go to the gym/like to read/watch a particular series/play an instrument/whatever it is you do in your spare time, pick just one thing and make that your obsession over Xmas. So for example let's say you go to the gym. Every time the kids are mentioned, just interrupt and use some vague link to bring it back to the gym. Go into boring detail about BMI, membership packages, the machines, specific muscle groups, get as boring as you can get. But make sure you pick just the one interest to really ram the point home.

Or you could choose Brexit.
Sis: That's right Jack, its RED! At nursey the other day...
You: You know I was reading about the superior education system in Sweden the other day. I just think that with Brexit looming...
(...)
Sis: Jack hates apples, dont you Jack? What Jack REALLY loves are melons, and
You: It'll be difficult to buy melons once we're out of the EU. Spain is apparently the biggest grower, and
(...)
Sis: We've had to change Jack's nappy brand recently as it was giving him a rash! We WERE using Pampers, but
You: It's incredible the amount of choice we have in supermarkets these days isnt it? But that'll change with Brexit.
(...)
Sis: And Jacks made a lovely new friend havent you Jack! Isnt Sarah a lovely new friend!
You: Ha, theres a girl called Sarah down the gym actually. Shes really worried about Brexit because her boyfriend is Italian.

Nobody is that interested in other people's kids. She wouldn't want to hear all that about her nieces, either.

Try putting her on the spot, she might realise what she's doing. "What are you reading at the moment/ Do you think Florida is worth a visit/ Have you seen the new Dr Who/ Did you see Trump's interview this morning/ How do you cook sprouts?"

To a point I can see where she's coming from, and I was all set to jump to her defense until it came to your examples OP. General conversation revolves around what you do/see/experience day to day, so if she's on maternity leave or a SAHM, then her kids are likely to be her natual go-to topic (I'm home with DS 21 months, and number 2 on the way, so I'm aware I'm often guilty of this on some level, but I do try to reign myself in).

That being said, why does she feel the need to commentate on their every move? Unless they're doing something significant for the first time (eg first roll/crawl/steps etc), it's unlikely anyone else is going to be that interested. I see no need to discuss every item they're wearing. Perhaps pass comment if it's one particularly cute item, or if you got a good bargain etc the same as you would if you got something you were particularly pleased with for yourself because it was very flattering/exactly matches your favourite shoes/75% off in the sale.
Even if her conversation starters are somewhat thin on the ground, as you said OP, there's nothing to stop her asking after others, and chipping in to conversations on other topics.
I agree with PP that you either need to transform yourself into a Crazy Cat Lady, or get royally pissed or both!

I gift you your first CCL coversation starter

I have some sympathy for both of you. If she has a 3 year old and one year old her life probably doesn't consist of an awful lot outside of caring for her children. I was a 'bad' mother who put my dcs in nursery for a couple of days a week, despite being a SAHM, so that I could do some part time work and actually have a life that wasn't all coloured blocks, who ate what, and who has done a poo.

I get that you aren't interested, but maybe offer to mind the dcs for a while so she can actually have a break. That way she might have something else to talk about, even if it is only the walk she went on while staying in the arse end of nowhere....

Sounds like my DS. 20 years later after her youngest was born we have barely any contact. She cared not one bit about me or later my family. I could understand it at the beginning, but a lot has happened in the intervening 20 years. Serious illness, bereavements, redundancy, but no it is all about her kids - that is literally all she talks about. I got sick of the fucking monologues and self centredness. Not much help to you I know.

She is a total bore and needs to be told. I could not bear that.

hellofresh You ask about others and what they are up to. That is a relationship. A two way thing, rather than a monologue.

@Loveache So my DSIS has two DS aged three and one. I don't have kids and don't intend to. I'll be spending the Christmas period with our parents and she plus kids are coming to stay too from Boxing Day.

Don't go then. It sounds fucking awful. I know that sounds extremely glib, but it actually IS an option for you. And one that is far more appealing than actually having to fake sickness to make it bearable!

At some stage in your life you will not spend a Christmas Day at your mum's so why not this one? There might be a bit of initial fallout, but then again there might not. The sky doesn't fall down if you are not all nestled at the foot of Marmee's rocking chair like the March sisters.

(I know this to be true as I did it. The world carried on turning, I carried on perfectly good r'ships with mum and the siblings. This year for various reasons I have already had one family Christmas, am busy/alone Christmas Day and am having another family Christmas at the end of January. It's rather nice actually!)

Seriously. Sack it off and actually enjoy yourself rather than having to pretend to vomit or shit yourself every hour.

Yawn a lot and remove eye contact. Good tactics if you are faced with this.

How long are you there before she arrives & why can't you leave then?

Oh god, I have small kids and am ultra aware of not doing this as a SAHM as I know it is dull dull dull even if you have kids!! Then again, I went out for dinner with lots of people without kids in their 30s and had to endure the same fucking thing but on the subject of their cats, where the cats like to sleep, photos of cats being cats, cat ages, illnesses, ad fucking infinitum!!
I empathise, and no yanbu. Start a very controversial argument about vaccinations or something she can relate to!!

You could suggest a family secret Santa.
Fix it so you get her.
Write ‘you are a baby bore’ on a piece of paper and put it in a big fancy box with a bow on.

What did she used to talk about, before the kids? I've never met someone who was like this who hadn't always been self-obsessed - talking endlessly about your children is just a form of narcissism, because it's a variation on talking endlessly about yourself. If she's like this you might have some luck on shifting her onto other her-centric topics (start a conversation about her clothes or make-up, for instance, or a 'do you remember that time when you...?') but you're unlikely to get her to take a genuine interest in anyone else's life, unfortunately.