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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS he can't go to cinema after telling in half hour ago that he could?

73 replies

Sanshin · 20/12/2017 12:59

On going issues with DS2 and his behaviour and disrespect (16). Anyway I told him he could go to cinema tonight to watch star wars since DH took his lad at weekend. So he arranged it.

Anyway I've just found the Christmas cards from MIL and SIL ripped open, money taken out and cards put back in envelopes. He'd done this yesterday and has blown the £60 contents immediately on crap (cannabis probably).

I'm fuming and so disappointed. AIBU to take back the cinema offer half hour after giving it?

OP posts:
lljkk · 20/12/2017 13:46

ps: I would harp on at him about sending thank yous to the gift givers, though. I know it's small beer in this picture, but we all find something to be a dragon about. Make sure Thank Yous not forgotten would be my fear.

southboundagain · 20/12/2017 13:48

"hold on th cards were for him?

arent they his to do as he pleases within reason"

They're Christmas presents - if you buy a toy car for your kid and put it under the tree wrapped up, you don't intend him to open it on the 20th and immediately start playing with it, because it was bought for Christmas.

omBreROSE · 20/12/2017 13:50

You can always identify the posts from people who don’t have teens yet.
Or those that think they’ve cracked it by 16.Grin
Not cool behaviour op - but you know what? As you probably know, he is still a work in progress...
Let him take his own money and keep communication open. Good luck.

Evelynismyspyname · 20/12/2017 13:51

Hold on.

Spending money on canibis, or smoking canibis at all, is obviously a big problem.

However you said he's blown the money on crap - it might be canibis, it might be x box games or something else.

It is his money!

If you know he's spent it on canibis YANBU because he has a drug problem which presumably, with the drug officer involvement etc., he has promised to stop...

However you said the drug issue is a separate one and not the problem here.

If you want to leave the drugs out of this, then

YABVU to be fuming and disappointed that he's opened his own Christmas cards and spent his own money.

Arrietty123 · 20/12/2017 13:51

You can't really stop him going at 16 but I wouldn't pay for him or give him a lift to the cinema. If he's blown his Christmas money already then that's his fault. I'd ask relatives not to give him money in future because of his cannabis habit.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/12/2017 13:53

IF the cards were addressed to him, I'd just tell him that since he chose to open them, he can use that money to pay for the movie. Oh, money's gone? Gee, too bad. Guess no movie then.

As a rule we didn't make our boys wait til Xmas to open cards with money. We figured they could use the money early during school break for outings or to buy or add to their savings for something for themselves. But if your rules are that he should wait, then it's not stealing, but it is breaking the rules.

If your son is abusing Cannabis, I'd suggest that you and your DH seek out counseling or your local Nar-Anon Family Group (or the UK equivalent). This is not something that you'll be able to 'fix' without professional help and support.

omBreROSE · 20/12/2017 13:53

send him to some kind of military school
Hmm
Yep. Do that op
For Gods sake...some responses!

GoReylo · 20/12/2017 13:56

I let my son have cards as and when they arrive, but everyone's different.

It is his money though. Unless you intended to take the money out of the envelopes to pay for the film, I don't see that anything relevant has changed? You have arranged a referral with a drugs officer so that's in the works. If he does have a genuine problem it's probably not something he has control over. I'd let him go. My mother is an addict. When she's stressed/upset her addiction gets worse, not better.

Evelynismyspyname · 20/12/2017 14:03

I have a very nearly teen, who is in a school class (abroad, mixed age classes for various reasons) with 12-14 year olds so in a teen peer group, hangs out with teen friends etc. so I know I'm not "experienced" as a parent of teens, especially mid-iolder teens, but also not writing from the idealised point of view of the parent of preschoolers.

If I'd promised to pay for my eldest to go to the cinema, what she'd done with her Christmas money would not be relevant.

Unless there were strings attached to the offer to pay for a cinema ticket I'd still be paying.

The cannabis issue does cloud things massively. If this is really about the cannabis then I assume a lot more information is needed, but I do think I'd want my child to do as much socialising and getting out of the house where there definitely would not be any drug influence as possible.

If the cannabis issue is to be left out of the picture because it is not known whether this is what the money should be spent on, I don't think the Ds has actually done very much wrong, in spending his own money.

I also don't really see any reason to take back the offer to pay for him to go to the cinema.

The reason Sanshin is paying for him to go to see Star Wars is to make things equal with the fact his step dad already took his step brother, according to the opening post. Its nothing to do with Christmas money.

Evelynismyspyname · 20/12/2017 14:08

Sorry - obviously that should read: If the cannabis issue is to be left out of the picture (because it is not known whether this is what the money was spent on) I don't think the Ds has actually done very much wrong, in spending his own money.

not should be - got distracted by DC1 having a strop at me for only being able to show her how to work out the right answer to her maths question but not knowing the specific method her teacher wanted her to use to get to the answer...

DerelictWreck · 20/12/2017 14:09

Why don't you tell him he can pay for it out of his Christmas money, and watch him squirm?

speakout · 20/12/2017 14:10

I agree there are some very OTT responses here.

Military ? Grounding FFS.

My mother is a big kid at heart.
My sister lives abroad and sends her a gift every year and asks her not to peek before the 25th.
Last week my mother was proudly wearing a new scarf and smelling of the perfume my sister has send.

She can't wait. But it's her gift.

The cannabis is a different issue.

And I think unless you have parented older teenage boys than you really understand.

Very few people that cannabis use is a good thing.

But for a parent it's a very tricky tightrope to walk.

Sometimes being overly authoritarian can backfire disastrously.

bretonknickers · 20/12/2017 14:15

I think my response was possibly more OTT than necessary in hindsight, probably due to losing a parent to addiction.
Any drug abuse (even perceived) in my home would be the sort of thing I would come down on like a tonne of bricks however given some of the enlightening responses here that probably isn't the best approach.
Food for thought for the future.

Greenshoots1 · 20/12/2017 14:21

How exactly do you ground a 16 year old Gertrude?

the same way you ground a 15 year old, and a 14 year old.

Greenshoots1 · 20/12/2017 14:22

You can always identify the posts from people who don’t have teens yet.

you can always identify the posts from people who have lost all parental control over their teens and try to self justify by "normalising" it

speakout · 20/12/2017 14:23

bretonknickers I am sorry for your loss.

And yes sometimes the "tonne of bricks" isn't the best solution with a teenager.

My parents were very authoritarian. When some teenage rebellion started they responded by laying down the law.
My sister left home and married at 16 ( without their permission) emigrated and didn't see our parents for 15 years ( in fact never saw our father again as he died).
I left home at 17 despite my parents trying even harder to control me. And my behaviour was not bad- a little drinking, being sexually active etc.
I too left home and had a fairly chaotic life for many years.

I vowed to take a more moderate and reasonable approach with my own kids.

I dislike drug use, but we have to be realistic..

SaucyJack · 20/12/2017 14:25

Having read the thread, and thought about it, I think YWBU.

I don't think it opening cards early and wasting the money is a massive crime at 16 TBH. I think he's quite big and ugly enough to take control of his Xmas money himself.

Obviously if he's got a cannabis problem, then there is is a serious problem- but you won't solve that by not taking him to the cinema. Hopefully the drug services can be of use to him.

Greenshoots1 · 20/12/2017 14:25

This boy is smoking cnnabis.

supporting an industry based on slave labour

indulging in criminal behaviour

severely damaging his own prospects for future health, career and relationships

will probably be expecting someone else to pick up the tab for his own poor choices, his family, or you and me.

On what planet is that ok, normal or acceptable?

speakout · 20/12/2017 14:33

On what planet is that ok, normal or acceptable?

No one is suggesting that it is acceptable.

Greenshoots1 · 20/12/2017 14:42

speakout, that wasn't aimed at the op, that was the posters who were just shrugging it off as teenage behaviour. It isn't, and shouldn't ever be, and any parent who just shrugs their shoulders and says what can you do? is just abdicating their responsibilities - not least their responsibilities to the children held as slaves in the uk cannabis factories

lazymum99 · 20/12/2017 14:42

IMO opening and using christmas money before the event is fine. I open stuff as it comes.
But as the mother of a now recovering addict we had to tell all relatives what was going on and ask them not to give money as presents. A voucher was acceptable but we feared he could sell that if he wanted.
It is hard if he has a real problem with cannabis and there is a limited amount you can do if he does not want help.

Evelynismyspyname · 20/12/2017 14:44

Greenshots you appear to be responding with outrage to something absolutely nobody has said.

Evelynismyspyname · 20/12/2017 14:45

Greenshoots rather... Greenshots is quite a different image despite the one letter difference :o

Greenshoots1 · 20/12/2017 14:49

I am responding with outrage to comments like this!

I dislike drug use, but we have to be realistic..

no, you do not have to accept cannabis use to be "realistic"

It isn't acceptable.

Wow2806 · 20/12/2017 14:56

^^^

All of this.1st hand experience My nearly 18yr old is ruled by the bloody stuff. He is hanging onto his college course by a thread. He does 2 things REALLY WELL.

1 - Go to his job 2 or 3 days per week (doesnt miss and is a model employee by all accounts) He does it to pay for

2 - His nasty Weed habit. As he knows Im sick to the back bloody teeth and he no longer gets anything from unless its bus fare or dinner money. This habit has caused no end of troubles.

Dont beleave the its harmless - it's NOT. Its alot bloody stronger than when we were kids puffing the stuff. I know I had a puff on his as I wanted to see what it was he was actually smoking. 1 puff of it literally blew my head of.

pisses me off no end Told him if he comes to the dinner table stoned on Monday. I will finish Christmas day there and then. It is really horrible trying to have a conversation with him when he is off his face.

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