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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I'm in the minority

51 replies

pullingmyhairout1 · 20/12/2017 09:37

The more I read on Mumsnet the more I think I'm in the minority when it comes to my partner. He does roughly 50% of the housework. Cooks, washes up after. Works very hard (chef). Does DIY. Treats me, and the fur babies.

Recently moved into a new home and he worked like a trojan getting the house up and together.

Opens doors for me, carries all the shopping, etc.

It got me thinking ... aibu to ask you about the positive of your partner?

OP posts:

lljkk · 20/12/2017 09:49

Not squeamish. Any disgusting mess, he'll deal with it. I'm heaving at nappies, vomit, etc.; he doesn't care, rolls up sleeves & deals with it.

Does 95% of the cooking. Defuses bolshy teenagers with wicked SoH. Great on laundry & any routine chores. Fixes bicycles & most things technical & does 90% of the DIY (I've tried hard, but mostly create hazards when I try to do DIY).

Camomila · 20/12/2017 09:50

Two different questions there!

I don't know if you're in the minority or not...if you are saying you have a nice partner then I like to think most people are nice...if you are saying you have an equal partnership then you probably are in a minority sadly. I think women probably do in general do more (often unpaid, undervalued) work than men...

As for positives of DH he does most of the 'life admin' I hate doing, he is always really kind to service people...even cold callers, and he makes me and DS laugh.

user1493413286 · 20/12/2017 09:55

A lot of what I read seems to say that if your OH doesn’t do half of everything and you don’t have a joint account and completely shared finances then there’s something wrong with your relationship. That’s great if that’s what works for your relationship but it’s not a one size fits all approach.
I’m at work 8-6 and my OH is at work 5am-9pm both 5 days a week so I’d feel a bit of an arse expecting him to do 50% while I’m sitting about. I also think a level of separate finances is healthy.

NotEntirelyWhelmed · 20/12/2017 09:56

OP, the rubber hits the road for most relationships when your babies are human, not fur.

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2017 09:58

You are completely unreasonable for using the term"fur babies"

Original poster

pullingmyhairout1 · 20/12/2017 10:00

We have human babies (well bigger now) too. He is far more patient than I am with them.

Been through two marriages married to narcs and suffered having to do everything so maybe I'm just reflective of that right now. Being grateful for what I have.

OP posts:

Original poster

pullingmyhairout1 · 20/12/2017 10:01

Sorry Bert you are right on that front 😂

One is only 13 weeks though. So he is furry and a baby 😂

OP posts:

QuitMoaning · 20/12/2017 10:04

He works longer hours than me, does most of the laundry, helps with shopping, does help with Day to day cleaning, is very loving and very funny. Very principled and inspires people around him to do the right thing. Is utterly dependable and generous and loves me dearly.
My teenage son adores him.
I cannot believe how lucky I am and cherish him.

jaseyraex · 20/12/2017 10:05

My DH catches all the spiders. I'll never get rid of him

DoormatBob · 20/12/2017 10:06

I certainly do my share of the 'wifework' as MN loves to call it. DW does none of the 'man jobs'.

I like to think it's just a case of MNers competing for the seemingly coveted title of laziest DH.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2017 10:06

I don't think you're in the minority, I think people moan more when things are shit. I' a SAHM. DH works standard office hours
I cook, he will wash up. One of us does bed routine, one tidies. Weekends he does most of DS's feed and lets me sleep on as DS does not yep through and overnights are mine. He has supported me going back to volunteer work which means him booking time off work to have DS full time. When we did 4 months solid in hospital he did hospital sleep oversaw as often as I wanted- traditionally Friday and Saturday night but the odd weekday when vie seem exhausted

Goldfishshoals · 20/12/2017 10:06

I very much doubt you are in the minority, but the specific people who need to vent/ask for help/etc about their relationships are going to be the ones where things are going wrong.

Most people good relationships don't feel the need to post on here about how great it is our dh's do 50%, because it's just 'normal' and how it should be, so what's to post about.

Motherbear26 · 20/12/2017 10:12

My dh does very little housework unless specifically asked, but he’s the best dad, works really hard and he’s very kind and thoughtful. He believes in me more than I believe in myself and supports me unconditionally. He also brings me coffee in bed every morning and makes me laugh like no one else. I knew there was a reason I put up with his messiness.

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2017 10:16

I don't know whether you are in the minority or not. I do know that in many relationships the woman doea carry more than 50% of the "burden" domestically and it is seen as perfectly normal. It's always commented on when men take home tasks- particularly if they do it unprompted. "Isn't he good?""He's a keeper""What a brilliant dad!" Nobody says that sort of thing about women if they change a bed, cook a dinner or bath a baby.......

AnnabelleLecter · 20/12/2017 10:20

I have all the brilliant ideas, DH happily goes along with them

Flowerpot1234 · 20/12/2017 10:22

BertrandRussell
You are completely unreasonable for using the term"fur babies"

Why do you say that of the OP?

CheckpointCharlie2 · 20/12/2017 10:22

DH does loads more than me. I work longer hours so he does the kid drop offs and pick ups plus most of the housework. I do all the cooking and shopping and organising of presents etc but he runs the budget and sorts out events and stuff.
When I'm not at work I do more than him (i.e. Holidays).

LannieDuck · 20/12/2017 10:25

I think we just don't get as many threads about good partners - the threads about lazy OHs tend to be much more popular for comments.

Me and my OH split things very evenly. We both work four days a week and split the school runs. He does (almost) all the cooking. I do (almost) all the laundry. He sorts the IT, I sort the admin. We've never really had to sit down and divide up the tasks, but if one of us is working while the other is relaxing it feels unfair and whoever's relaxing will get up to help.

I don't think I could be with someone who didn't view me as an equal. And similarly, I don't want to be with someone I have to treat like a child.

bretonknickers · 20/12/2017 10:27

He does the ironing (usually without complaint).
In all seriousness though, he is an amazing Dad to our DC's - devoted, caring and is happy to spend hours playing/tickling/chasing/reading/doing homework with them. He's not selfish with his spare time, which I really appreciate.
When aforementioned DCs are playing up, he is also more than happy to take them out for a couple of hours so I can have a bath and relax.

Capelin · 20/12/2017 10:28

My DH pulls his weight around the house and with the DC. That doesn’t mean we split it evenly though, because he works much longer hours than me. I think we’re in a fairly typical situation.

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2017 10:29

And part of being a good parent is modeling the sort of behaviour we want our children to display when they are grown up and in relationships of their own. So a man who is not showing his children that men can do everything that is necessary to take care of a family on a day to day basis unprompted is not being the best dad he could be.....

FaFoutis · 20/12/2017 10:31

My Dh does far more than me, but I do all the thinking.
Agree about the 'fur babies'. Please desist.

ExConstance · 20/12/2017 10:31

We have always split domestic stuff 50/50, we each wash our own clothes. He mows the lawns, I do the plant pots, he always shares any bonuses with me and gives me some of his tiny extra pension. He earns more than me but we split bills in proportion to our income.
he is very considerate and wakes me up with a cup of coffee in the mornings. And I fancy him after 30+ years together, altogether luvverly.

mindutopia · 20/12/2017 10:32

I would say honestly my dh is wonderful. I don't know if it's in the minority to have a great and supportive partner. I imagine people just don't often bitch to strangers about how happy they are in their relationship, so it's not something people really talk about. But my dh is great. Our relationship is and always has been very equal. We both do a roughly equal share of the housework, finances, DIY, school runs, childcare, etc. according to our schedules. We both work full-time, so sometimes he's busier and I take on a bigger share and sometimes I'm busier and he takes on a bigger share. I used to travel 3 days a week for work (6 hours total of travel on those days, plus a full work day), so he did all the parenting, shopping, school runs, cooking, washing up, etc. on those days as I was out of the house from before dawn until evening. I also travel quite a bit internationally for work (so can be gone 4-10 days at a time a few times a year) and I have at least one weekend away each year for fun travel on my own. He does everything those times without complaint and is very supportive. He also works away sometimes and goes to see friends a few times a year too. He doesn't open doors for me and carry the shopping as I think that's a bit weird, by that I mean, he doesn't just open doors only for me or carry ALL the shopping (well, he does now because I'm heavily pregnant). We both do it for each other, but as we share things 50-50 I wouldn't want him waiting on me as we're a team. He's supportive of me and respectful and a great dad and doesn't sit around on his bum and expect me to do everything. He comes home, has a shower and gets stuck in doing everything along with me. When our dd was a baby, he was up helping me whenever I needed it. He took her as soon as he came in each night from work and had her all evening to give me a break, did her bath, got her dressed for bed, etc. (actually he still does bathtime and gets her dressed and she's 5 now), and he was up helping with every night feed until she dropped them at 9 months. He's great, but it's partly who he is and partly because I've never expected anything less. That's just how our relationship has always been and I wouldn't have married him if it wasn't. I think there are lots of men out there like that, but no one really talks about them because those relationships are happy and solid and people just get on with life.

WorldWideWanderer · 20/12/2017 10:33

My husband left pretty well all the housework, cooking, cleaning, looking after the children (and pets) to me. I gave up my career and my best years to stay at home and do everything. I was brought up thinking I 'should' do this, my mother did this before me.

Only when I was older and the children older did I start to question it. I felt I had wasted my best years. Everyone else was having a great time, husband had advanced his career and the children were teenagers, going out etc. When I started to retrain and get back into the work place I still had to do pretty well everything at home. When I tried to have a discussion about it I was told that DH "earned the roof over our heads".

I left in the end. I have never had so much fun as I have now, I work in good jobs and earn good money. ExDH now has the same job but has to 'earn the roof over his head' AND do all his own cooking and cleaning.....

From my perspective I do think you are in the minority having someone who happily mucks in and does their 50% share. Many women I know say they do the largest share of the housework even if at work full time, but it may be the set of people I know, we're all older and a different generation.

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