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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm in the minority

51 replies

pullingmyhairout1 · 20/12/2017 09:37

The more I read on Mumsnet the more I think I'm in the minority when it comes to my partner. He does roughly 50% of the housework. Cooks, washes up after. Works very hard (chef). Does DIY. Treats me, and the fur babies.

Recently moved into a new home and he worked like a trojan getting the house up and together.

Opens doors for me, carries all the shopping, etc.

It got me thinking ... aibu to ask you about the positive of your partner?

OP posts:
deydododatdodontdeydo · 20/12/2017 10:33

I think you may be in the minority, but there are still plenty of people in your situation.
In my real life acquaintances, the couples where the DH is useless and doesn't contribute are very rare. In fact, most of them have split up now.
On MN it does seem to be the norm.

VladmirsPoutine · 20/12/2017 10:37

You are not in the minority because what good would it do to keep having regular threads along the lines: "My DH cooks, cleans and ferries the children around, AIBU to just love him so much."

People usually post when it's not all rosy in their relationships. Reading the relationships board would be enough to put any woman off relationships for the rest of her life. But that doesn't mean it's everyone's experience.

timeforabrewnow · 20/12/2017 10:38

Paragraphs are always a bonus while talking about how wonderful your DH is.

timeforabrewnow · 20/12/2017 10:39

[I blame PMT for the last comment and apologise unreservedly]

ShellyBoobs · 20/12/2017 10:46

What annoys me is that threads pop up about “all men” being lazy, entitled, useless knobs and when someone says “my DH is great” they are, almost without exception, shot to pieces by dozens of MNers piling in to tell them they’re deluded.

My OH is great, by the way. Xmas Grin

AnachronisticCorpse · 20/12/2017 10:47

My DH is amazing. He works 70+ hour weeks so I don’t have to, and in return I do all the housework. He still does half the parenting, always does bedtimes, homework, ferrying around as I can’t drive.

He brings me coffee in bed every morning before I get up to make his sarnies. He works from home when I’m too ill to get out of bed and do the school run. We have equal access to finances and when I’m up to it we have equal opportunities for socialising either together or separately. He makes me laugh every single day and has never raised his voice to me.

He thanks me often for doing ‘everything’ and never complains when the house is a midden or I’ve forgotten to do something.

We’re a team and a family and it works for us perfectly.

araiwa · 20/12/2017 10:50

Are your babies exceptionally hirsute?

Wtf is a fur baby?

mirime · 20/12/2017 11:01

DH does very little in the house, but works longer hours for less pay in a more physical job that he hates while coping with a chronic health condition.

On the other hand he's great with the emotional support, kind, loving and always there for me and we muddle along ok. He was amazing last year when I wasn't well and needed an operation.

deste · 20/12/2017 11:02

For Gods sake BertrandRussel if she wants to call them fur babies (dogs) then she can. What’s unreasonable about that.

fannyfelcher · 20/12/2017 11:03

What does my OH do? He sadly has a very serious long term condition called " mess blindness" so he is unable to take the initiative and do house work on his own, but he does do whatever I tell him and is capable of following lists. He tolerates my mad schemes without question and even does the DIY for them ( hot tub surround, decking, shoe display unit, loft beds). He gives cracking massages on a daily basis and cooks 2-3 times a week. Over all i do more in the house but I am at home due to illness and he supports me so it is pretty equal in terms of balance and happiness on both our parts.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/12/2017 11:07

Calling a pet Our fur baby just infers that you're humanising your animal and parenting it as a baby.

If I'm being really sceptical, I'd say it indicates that humans are losing their bearings with animals. It's not proof that we love them more. It's a confused distinction between agricultural animals or animals for meat and "fur babies" as equal members of a family.
It feels like crossing a weird boundary.

Back to the point of the thread. Your dh sounds great OP. Smile Mine isn't bad either.

Fundays12 · 20/12/2017 11:08

I do about 90% of the house hold chores but I only work 17 hours a week and he works full time so I don’t think it’s fair for him to come home and have to start work again by cleaning the house when I could have done it during the day. He does most of the cooking though, dishes after dinner etc. I also do the food shopping, take the kids to toddlers or after school events etc.

I have recently had a really bad fall and am under doctors orders to do very little. I think it’s opened hubbies eyes how much I do as he was off last week and said he never sat down and he never did anywhere near as much cleaning as I would do. He used to say to me did you see this programme or that which I never got the chance to see think he realises now why 😂

Whatever works for you guys is what matters.

Valerrie · 20/12/2017 11:13

My DH does everything. I'm disabled so he works full time, cooks every meal, washes up, laundry, housework, pets, school runs, packed lunches, driving DD to hobbies and caring for me.

Oh and my pets are my babies and they have fur. Don't see anything wrong with that.

Stretchoutandwait · 20/12/2017 11:26

DH and I also have a very equal relationship. We both work full time earning a fairly similar amount. We do 50% of the housework each and 50% of the childcare each. We also work around each other's work trips etc. I was once told on MN that my DH enables me to have a career, but in fact we enable each other. I've also seen people declaring on MN that such men don't exist, which seems a pretty sad state of affairs to me.

So, overall it's great to have a thread celebrating happy equal/balanced* relationships Smile.

*Before anybody shoots me down, I don't think both partners need to work to have a balanced relationship, just equal amounts of "downtime" from work, childcare, housework etc.

Situp · 20/12/2017 11:30

DH always gets up in the night with the kids, earns most of our money but we have 1 account between us and I manage the household budget.

OP I think it is skewed because people tend to start threads because they have a problem and when We have similar experiences we share and empathise

If we all went on extolling the virtues of our respective partners, the person with the problem would come away feeling pretty shit!

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2017 11:43

It's a confused distinction between agricultural animals or animals for meat and "fur babies" as equal members of a family
But pets are neither agrucultural or for meat. As long as its not her fur lover each to their beach I say

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2017 11:50

It is AIBU! Grin

I just like animals, that's all. And I like babies. Two different lovely things.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/12/2017 11:53

Yes Fur Lover would be worrying!

I just think it's important to respect animals for what they are rather than putting human characteristics onto them. But in the grand scale of things- it's not a terrible thing to do if it brings a person comfort and your pet's happy.

There's a woman local to us that pushes her dog in a pram and dresses her up. I can't help feeling a bit sorry for that fur baby.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 20/12/2017 11:54

I've also seen people declaring on MN that such men don't exist, which seems a pretty sad state of affairs to me.

Also that if you say you have this situation, you are mistaken. It's a myth.

TheLuminaries · 20/12/2017 11:56

But baby animals are surely fur babies, just as much as baby people are skin babies Grin

Eolian · 20/12/2017 11:58

My dh doesn't do that much housework because he works long hours and I'm part time. He does do plenty with the kids, cook, wash up, clean the kitchen, do lots of diy, all the gardening etc. I'm pretty happy with the division of labour and definitely wouldn't swap!

myusernameisnotmyusername · 20/12/2017 13:28

I used to get a lot of comments about how lucky I am to have my dp. He does half the chores and we split money half and half although he earns more. We've always shared care of DD- getting up at weekends, waking at night, going out etc but surely that's normal. It's called a partnership for a reason. He does need nagging a bit to do certain chores but will make my lunch for Work so I think we rub along quite nicely together. Doesn't mean we don't argue though and he drives me mad- a lot!

Flutterbyeee · 20/12/2017 13:33

I do the whole lot. Have done for four years and my boys are 4 and 5. It is fucking knackering but we manage. Their dad is a builder and we speak every day but he rarely does jobs here. I have learned to do them myself.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/12/2017 15:36

TheLuminaries
But baby animals are surely fur babies, just as much as baby people are skin babies
Ew. I have a baby without fur, skin baby sounds scary

BiddyPop · 20/12/2017 15:44

If DD is sick (reflux as a baby and still a weakness of hers in the middle of the night on occasion) we tag team (1 takes the child and hoses them off, clean pjs, snuggles, etc, while the other changes the bed, cleans the carpet, cleans bathroom floors and puts on a wash). He's happy to do either role.

He does cook when he's around (travels a lot).

If I cook and he's home, he will washup instead.

He keeps on top of laundry better on a day to day basis (we share the overall job but he is more proactive) and he is also the more likely to fold all the clean clothes watching a movie on Saturdays.

He also does all the ironing (since DD was born - previously we each did our own).

He brings home flowers on occasion, just because, rather than for Valentines etc. He holds open doors and is a gentleman.

He is also happy to let me drive and be the passenger rather than needing to always be the driver.

He supported me getting a masters (started when DD was 10 months old), including taking DD down to the DGPs on weekends when assignments were due or exams were looming to let me get things done.

He's a star, even if I do give out about his constant travel and getting left with the "wifework" more in recent years - he does know it mostly and appreciates that I keep the plates spinning most of the time Xmas Grin

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