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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DH to pay attention?

29 replies

MiniMummy576 · 20/12/2017 09:12

Last night DH and I had a bit of an argument. It's something I've asked him about before, but still having the same issue.
He's a wonderful man, but sometimes he just has no common sense.
The issue is I want him to help out me around the house.

I said to him last night that it would really help me out if he would do a few chores around the house. He said, 'Sure, what do you want me to do?' and I said I shouldn't have to give him a sodding list of stuff to do, he should know it needs doing because he lives here too.

It's not like I want him to do any of the complicated bits - putting the laundry on, or folding the nappies or cleaning the bathroom.

I just think it should be obvious that: if the living room is littered with toys - tidy it. If the bins are full - empty them. If there are dirty bottles on the side - wash them. If the dishwasher is empty - stack it. If it's full of clean stuff - put the stuff away. If DS needs a bag for the next day - check it has everything in it... etc etc....

I understand that he would like some time to decompress after a long day - and he does do a really hard, physical job - but so would I. However, I spend my evenings running around like a blue-arse fly in between playing with our son who wants his Mummy time. Then after he's in bed, I'm still running around while DH sits on the sofa to watch football or practice the banjo.

ABIU to think I shouldn't have to tell him to do certain things around the house, that he should just pay attention to what goes on in the house that he lives in?

OP posts:

Allthetuppences · 20/12/2017 09:15

Cleaning bathrooms, folding nappies doing laundry. NONE of these jobs are complicated. You are being a bit unreasonable by not expecting him to be able to do any and every job he notices needs doing when he has time.
Don't tellhim the jobs. Tell him to grow up!

user1493413286 · 20/12/2017 09:27

Story of my life, I’ve read loads of articles about it recently too. I don’t want to keep asking my oh to do stuff, I want him to notice it and do it himself. The only thing he does notice is the washing and is rather do that myself as him doing it is no help

Finola1step · 20/12/2017 09:33

It might be worth splitting some of the responsibilities. For example, I take the dc to school and DH does pick ups, after school activities etc. So it is my job to sort out all the stuff for the morning run, breakfast, lunches, uniforms, bags etc. It is DH's job to sort out all the after school stuff, tea and homework.

I work less hours than DH so do more in the home. We have tasks that are done by both, and others which are more the responsibility of one person.

I do agree that everyone should pitch in and work together. But it is often easier if there is a very clear, equal division of labour so that everyone has to take responsibility.

Finola1step · 20/12/2017 09:34

Oh and cleaning a bathroom really isn't complicated.

Ellisandra · 20/12/2017 09:37

You think folding nappies is complicated?

Is he a good man and was his agreement to pitch in genuine?

If so, I'd make a checklist (dishwasher stacked, etc). Not as a list for him, but as a list for everyone - when you have a 20 mins housework blast, these are things to do. If that works - good.

If it doesn't, well... honestly? I divorced one like this. It wasn't the only reason, but by god it contributed to the utter disdain I felt for him.

QueenAmongstMen · 20/12/2017 09:38

My husband used to do like this.

We then made a list of all the jobs that need doing and shared them out as we thought equal.

The rule was that as soon as he stopped doing his jobs then we would get a cleaner to make up for the fact he wasn't contributing.

My DH has always been anti-cleaners so he makes sure all his jobs are done

OnTheRise · 20/12/2017 09:40

The issue is I want him to help out me around the house.

So long as you phrase it like this he won't understand what the issue is.

What you want is for him to pull his weight.

He's just as responsible as you are for keeping the household running. He needs to contribute just as much as you do to the housework burden.

He's letting everyone down by not bothering.

Angelicinnocent · 20/12/2017 09:42

I get that it is frustrating having to tell him what needs doing but if he's never done it, he probably can't work it out. If he is willing at least then give him some jobs to do and tell him he needs to do them all the time. Eg. The living room is cluttered with toys. You need to pick them up and put them away every evening and then wash the dishes/empty the dishwasher.

If he does it in future, great. If he doesn't, tell him he's a dick!

Ellisandra · 20/12/2017 09:43

In fact, you've reminded me.
I went away Sun-Thu for work, leaving the house clean and tidy on Sun.

Got back on Thu and it was a total mess. Not just different standards - there were dirty dishes from 3 days ago on living room floor.

I said "right, let's do 20 minutes together, and just blitz as much as we can in a quick tidy". (not a word that it was all his mess)

He spent 10 minutes saying "what shall I do next?" whilst stood next to a sink full of dishes. Then went and sat down in lounge.

Fair to say I told him off.

well it's your mess too
it really isn't, I just walked in from the airport
yeah it is
OK, show me one thing that's my mess?
oh you're always right, aren't you?

Aaaaaaah, OP you've given me a huge smile remembering that night and smugly knowing that he is no longer my problem

LannieDuck · 20/12/2017 09:45

I wonder if switching roles would work?

So it becomes his responsibility to deal with absolutely all the housework, but of course he can tell you which jobs he wants you to help with. Then you should stop doing anything that he doesn't ask you to.

I'll bet he gets tired very quickly of having to continually ask you to do stuff. Plus it might help him realise how much there is to do.

Motherbear26 · 20/12/2017 10:03

I left very early yesterday morning and I’d left the house in a bit of a mess. I’d stripped our bed but not redressed it so I could wash and dry the bedding before the ironing lady comes today, I’d not done the dishwasher and hadn’t pushed the hoover round. It was in the back of my mind all day so when dh text to said he was going to be home early I breathed a sigh of relief thinking he might at least see the dishes in the sink and make a start on that before I got back. I arrived home to dh looking proud as punch. He had fitted some new Xmas lights on the bannister in the landing.

Sorry I’m no help op but I genuinely think they don’t see it. Dh and I have had numerous rows about the same issues and he isn’t lazy or averse to helping, he just doesn’t notice the things that need doing. It’s a bloody pain and it certainly shouldn’t be necessary but if you want help, just give him a list.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/12/2017 10:13

It's not that men don't see it. It's that they honestly believe housework is WOMEN'S work, and doing any will make their dicks fall off.
They don't need to be told what needs to be done, or how to do it. They need to be made to understand that their female partners are not their servants. The man who either doesn't do the task, does it badly or keeps pestering for further instructions is not incompetent, he is quite deliberately making it so stressful (waiting for him to do what he said he would do, worrying about whether you are 'nagging' if you ask him to actually do the thing he was supposed to do three days ago, being worn down by the constant 'Where's the washing up liquid, where do these plates go, does it matter if the forks go upside down in the dishwasher') for you that you will give in and do the work yourself. They can and will out-wait you in terms of mess, because they know that it's women who will be shamed and tutted at if the house is a shitheap, because housework is WOMEN'S work, and women's moral responsibility.

PegLegAntoine · 20/12/2017 10:33

The only thing he does notice is the washing and is rather do that myself as him doing it is no help
So the one thing he actually does, you don't want him to do? Why?

OP the only thing YABU about is saying you want him to 'help you out' - that terminology is making it sound like he's doing you an optional favour for brownie points. When really it should be sharing the load of running the home and family than presumably he willingly chose to have when he married you, moved in with you and created a child with you.

araiwa · 20/12/2017 10:37

So he does the washing but doesnt do it your way, so you tell him to stop doing it. Then you wonder why he doesnt do any of the other things either. You made your own rod

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 20/12/2017 10:45

It's not like I want him to do any of the complicated bits - putting the laundry on, or folding the nappies or cleaning the bathroom

These aren't complicated he's a manchild, do nothing at all and see if he notices or takes lead.

I did wonder if 'playing the banjo on the sofa' was a euphemism

Original poster

MiniMummy576 · 20/12/2017 12:36

CherryChasingDotMuncher - lol, not a euphemism, he really is learning to play the banjo.

Ellisandra folding nappies isn't complicated for me, because I do it every day, but he gets confused about the terry folds and which liners go with which nappy.

putting the laundry on, or folding the nappies or cleaning the bathroom
Technically these things aren't complicated, but I have a set way of doing them and I'm particular about them, so I've told him not to do them - anything else is up for grabs though.
We've had conversations where he's wandered into the kitchen while I'm hanging out the laundry and it goes like this:
DH: Is there anything I can do for you darling?
Me: There's a pile of washing up on the side next to you. You could wash the bottles and load the dishwasher.
DH (doubtfully): You'll only restack it.
Me: I sometimes restack it if I'VE loaded it - that's just the way it works with dishwashers.

The problem is that as far as he's concerned he does do his fair share. During our previous 'discussion' he told me that he does all the driving, all the DIY - yes I'll admit he is building himself a shed, puts the bins out on collection day (not exclusively, though), and he's working extra hours and weekends to pay for nursery fees, next baby and the extension. That last sort of made me give up last time, because he does work hard and I know he's knackered most of the time.

OP posts:

Motherbear26 · 20/12/2017 12:54

MiniMummy I’m sure he does work very hard, but so do you. If you were not together he would have to work hard AND maintain a house. Things need doing because you all live there. It shouldn’t be just you tidying up after everyone else. It took me a long time to realise this as when I first became a sahm I thought it was my duty to do everything. I am still happy to do the vast majority, I just won’t be treated as a slave. My dh is happy to help if I tell him what to do, so I give him lists. I shouldn’t have to but he really doesn’t notice mess and isn’t houseproud in any way and waiting for him to notice things was making me utterly miserable. He does what I ask and it’s a good compromise for us. I would be very unhappy if he was completely unwilling to help though. Does he actually do the things you ask him to?

Ellisandra · 20/12/2017 13:02

Oh FGS. Don't tell me folding nappies isn't complicated for you because you do it all the time and he doesn't.

He's learning to play the fucking banjo!

If he can learn that, he can learn how to fold a nappy.

You're enabling this.

Ellisandra · 20/12/2017 13:04

And as for being particular about how you clean the bathroom...

Some partners are lazy.
Some play the incompetent until you give up trick.
And some can't do right for doing wrong.

Let him clean the bathroom. As long as it's clean when it's finished, forget your "particular way".

Or just get on with it and stop complaining.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/12/2017 13:31

Ah the poor darling...

So you don't get tired either...??

Many men are just crap at doing stuff which they just don't fancy.... Im sure you're not desperate to clean the loo /pack away mess etc yourself...

A pal's husband once said to her, after she asked for the nth time he actually do his share of domestic tasks and looking after the 4 month old baby.... He went off to consider it... He came back brightly an hour later and said... ' I really can't do more than I'm already doing (putting bins out fortnightly)... If I do what you ask I won't have any time left for my hobbies..' (he left, eventually... When the child was about 10).

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/12/2017 13:32

Also as others have said... You need to frame it as. 'pulling his weight' rather than 'helping with housework :

justmatureenough2bdad · 20/12/2017 13:33

a: I want your help
b: sure, what do you want
a: work it out yourself
b: ....

maybe just take it as a genuine offer to help and asking which areas are your priorities rather than assuming he's "just being a manchild and deliberately making life difficult"

you want him to help, he offered and asked for direction... give it to him and see what happens

however, it sounds like he works 7 days a week and extra hours to make your collective lives better... we're all familiar with the old trope that he couldn't do this if you weren't there... but it sounds like you are aware that the balance is approximately right in that he is working excessive hours and you do more housework, but that you are a bit fed up with being stuck with the crappy side of stuff...

can you swap so that you work extra hours/weekends and argue that he pick up the housework...

StormTreader · 20/12/2017 13:39

If you ARE very very particular about how things are done, it seems a little unfair to say "just do what needs doing!" when you might well come along afterwards and pull it all apart as having been done wrong.

Is there any scope for relaxing a bit on "how things are done" in favour of "do it the best you can" and then adjust the "how" a bit later once hes physically doing more? If thats not an option for you, then maybe show him the "right way" of doing a few nominated jobs (bathroom/dishwasher) so that he has no excuse for not doing them?

fizzicles · 20/12/2017 13:42

I genuinely don’t understand why women accept a situation like this. Of course he can figure out what needs doing, he just sees it as your responsibility, not his. It won’t change until you both see keeping the house in order as a joint responsibility, rather than something that you need help with.

HandbagCrazy · 20/12/2017 13:57

You are treating him like a child. He doesn't need to do housework to help you unless cleaning the house is your full time job. He lives there, you are a family and should be working as a team.
If he is capable of going to work, doing his role and managing himself there, he can do it at home.

On the other hand, you also need to step back and let him do it. I wouldn't be impressed with doing some housework just for DH to come and tell me I'd done it wrong. You can't have it both ways.

Dsis and her ex had this issue. In the end, he would ask "what do you want me to do?" And her answer just became "make the house look as clean as you do when you're mum is coming" as he always cleaned like a mad thing for that.
She sometimes invited his mum for tea, knowing he would jump to do chores. But underneath he was always a lazy man child so she left him in the end.

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