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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Visiting people

34 replies

Madbee · 20/12/2017 07:50

AIBU to feel that visiting one's husband's late wife's parents, who live 3 hours drive away, with a 10 week old baby in tow, is beyond the call of duty..?

I will be doing it, because doing what other people want is what I do, but I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable to feel upset about it...

OP posts:

KhalliWali · 20/12/2017 07:52

From the little you've posted, it seems like a kind act to visit them. What's the harm? Are you driving or is your DH?

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2017 07:55

Depends on the relationship your dh has with them.

But without further information then anything which might help anyone grieving over Christmas is a good thing to do. Not entirely sure why you and the baby need to go though........

CrabappleCake · 20/12/2017 07:57

Realationships make the world a nicer place, it might be a bond you and your child keep up. It sounds kind and just a good thing to do.

Break the journey though!

JoJoSM2 · 20/12/2017 07:58

Don’t go if you don’t want to rather than agreeing and sulking.

If you’re husband has a strong relationship with them, than it makes sense they’d like to see each other around Christmas time.

Spartaca · 20/12/2017 08:00

I would think more of him for maintaining that relationship and be happy to travel tbh. 3 hrs isn't that long, stop half way for lunch and whenever baby needs feeding.

Mumofteendom · 20/12/2017 08:02

Do you mean you are his 'new' wife but his old wife, their daughter died?

Assuming that they had a good relationship and became part of his family and assumingly went through an awful time together if the wife/daughter died I think it's a kind thing to do.

Either you don't go and let him visit alone or you go and dh drives so that you can sit in the back with baby. Break the journey up if you have to.

I would like to think that if my daughter had died I wouldn't lose contact with everyone as a result. Are their children from their marriage too?

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 20/12/2017 08:03

I’m going against the grain here does he have dc with his late wife? Surely he could visit them post Christmas. It must be incredibly awkward for you to visit with him with your new baby.

Mumofteendom · 20/12/2017 08:03

*there

52FestiveRoad · 20/12/2017 08:04

Is it at the expense of visiting your parents? or his? Not really enough info, but I would want to prioritise my baby's first Christmas with their actual grandparents if I could. It is nice that your DH is still in contact, but now he has a family himself then Christmas is the wrong time to visit. Maybe visit sometime in the New Year? Your baby is not very old and I would not blame you for not wanting to make that journey.

ferntwist · 20/12/2017 08:06

YANBU. It’s his late wife’s parents and you really should not have to go, particularly with a new baby. I’m not sure all the posters above have quite understood the OP.

paulabluekitten · 20/12/2017 08:09

YANBU at all, but many people on here will tell you that you are. In reality, NO-ONE would be happy with this. NO-ONE.

It's up to you if you go to keep the peace, but I wouldn't go. Nor would my husband expect me to. You need to talk to him about how you feel, and why he thinks it's OK to drag you and your child, to his ex wife's parents - at CHRISTMAS.

ferntwist · 20/12/2017 08:13

And I really hope you’re not driving?

Original poster

Madbee · 20/12/2017 08:19

I'm genuinely on the fence about it in terms of what's actually right - I know I don't feel happy about it but I also agree it's a kind thing to do. Sorry for lack of info - in answer to the comments,

They got on ok when his first wife was around but not really close, and have stayed in occasional contact since she died. We've visited them before, they are nice people.

We will share the driving.

There are no children from their marriage and she died 12 years ago, we have been married for 8 and this is our first child.

It's not at the expense of seeing other family, this is an additional commitment, which is part of what I'm not happy about as just feel we have enough on our plate!

I will go, and I will do it with an outwardly cheerful demeanour- I just feel a bit crap about it and wondered if that was a reasonable reaction!

OP posts:

Mumofteendom · 20/12/2017 08:32

OK 12 years is a long time. I would assume that they are desperately trying to hold on to any part of their daughter that they can.
In that case I actually change my mind. I would perhaps ask dh if he minds going alone and let him know you don't feel up to the journey with a newborn.

ferntwist · 20/12/2017 08:37

Definitely a reasonable reaction! I wonder if it might upset them to see DH with new baby you know. Maybe once you’ve been this year your DH won’t feel like going every Christmas.

FinallyHere · 20/12/2017 08:48

I will go, and I will do it with an outwardly cheerful demeanour- I just feel a bit crap about it and wondered if that was a reasonable reaction!

This sounds ... interesting. I'd want to understand why my husband of eight years wants me to do anything that I am not 100% keen to do, at any time, never mind ten weeks after giving birth. A lot would depend on how he phrased his request. Did he ask whether you felt up to visiting them, given that he is probably bursting with pride at your (joint) baby and that they may indeed appreciate the visit? Was it a more bracing right, you must be ready by now to visit ..... his in-laws...

Who else have you visited already? What else would you be doing in that time? What will the weather be like, what are the chances of you getting stuck unable to travel in bad weather, what might you miss?

Once you have decided between you to do then I am all for letting go any objections and putting on a sunny face. It's how you get to that decision, what factors you take into account, that would matter to me.

It's not that I never do anything i don't immediately want to do, but if DH wants me to do something, I expect to understand why and have the choice to decide what I do. Life is just too short to do things against my will, against my better judgement. Its important to me, as an adult, that I get to chose what I do.

Doing something, with an outwardly cheerful demeanour, that makes you feel a bit crap is not a sustainable way forward. Being honest with your DH and working out together what you will do, is an important skill for any two adults, and becomes essential when you have a baby together. Enjoy!

BertrandRussell · 20/12/2017 08:52

I think he should go by himself. Apart from anything else, if I was one of the parents involved I think I would find meeting the baby practically unbearable.

52FestiveRoad · 20/12/2017 08:58

With your update I think you are even more NBU. Christmas is really not the time to be squeezing in a visit to people he is in 'occasional contact' with. You could visit later in the year when the baby is older and you don't have all the other commitments that Christmas entails. I do agree with other posters though, about the need to discuss it with DH. How has he arranged it? Did he give you the option to say no or was it just assumed you would go?

greendale17 · 20/12/2017 09:04

HE should go on his own. Why would you want to visit his ex-wife’s parents anyway????

OnTheRise · 20/12/2017 09:04

I don't think you should be doing it.

There's advice on the NHS website somewhere (I followed a link to it from mumsnet the other day) which says that after just half an hour in a car seat newborns start to suffer with an increased heartrate and strained breathing, and you should limit the number of longer journeys you do with them.

Three hours in a car is much too long for a ten week old baby.

Put your baby first. Don't go.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 20/12/2017 09:59

I definitely don’t think yabu especially after your update. 12 years is along time and your established relationship with a new child. It’s not as if he’s taking grandchildren to visit and have a relationship with them. I would nip it in the bud now or at the very least tell him to go on his own because it’s going to be very confusing explaining to your child who these people are.

ItsInTheDogsMouth · 20/12/2017 10:06

I don't think i'd be going. A 6 hour round trip with a new baby? I'd happily support him for going by himself, or offer to visit when the baby is older.

ImAMarshmellow · 20/12/2017 12:08

If she died whilst they were still together I wouldn't see him seeing them as a huge issue. It may be important to them (and him to a smaller extent), the keep that connection with each other.

The fact it's Christmas and he is visiting, could simply be that it's the only time he has to commit to a days travel.

If you don't wish to go, just say. You've been married for 8 years. Surely you can admit you a) don't wish to go and b) your busy.

Tinselistacky · 20/12/2017 12:11

Surely a Christmas card is suffice??!

StinkPickle · 20/12/2017 12:12

Gosh are you sure that the parents want you to go?

If I had to see my dead daughter's "replacement" with a new baby, that in a different world would have been my daughter's baby, and my grandchild, I'd find it so distressing.

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