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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Visiting people

34 replies

Madbee · 20/12/2017 07:50

AIBU to feel that visiting one's husband's late wife's parents, who live 3 hours drive away, with a 10 week old baby in tow, is beyond the call of duty..?

I will be doing it, because doing what other people want is what I do, but I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable to feel upset about it...

OP posts:
RestingGrinchFace · 20/12/2017 12:22

It's reasonable to not want to do it but a three hour drive with a newborn really isn't that bad-he will sleep most of the time and it really is a very kind thing to do. If it's a once off I don't think there much point in getting too wound up about it.

Nikephorus · 20/12/2017 20:26

I think it's nice for him to go because it means for them that their daughter was important enough for people to still care. My sister died a long time ago (longer than 12 years) but her friends still keep in touch with my parents & met up with them a while back - that's been lovely because it means she's not forgotten.
Not sure how they'd feel about seeing a new baby though - do they have grandchildren from other children? If not then I'm not sure OP going with baby is a good idea - too much of a reminder of what their daughter didn't get and what they won't have. Maybe he could go alone or OP & baby could wait somewhere close by while he visits?

Munchyseeds · 20/12/2017 20:52

She must have been young when she passed away?
It seems like you don't do it very often so it's not really a big deal....its a nice thing to do and I'm sure they will love to see the baby and wish you well

Original poster
Madbee · 20/12/2017 21:41

If I had to see my dead daughter's "replacement" with a new baby, that in a different world would have been my daughter's baby, and my grandchild, I'd find it so distressing.

That's how I see it, but talking to DH he assures me this isn't the case. He just really wants to share her with everyone I think, and as I say, they're nice people who don't begrudge him happiness. They do have two grandchildren from their son and they are very involved in their lives.
To those who think he's not being considerate - you're right, but only because he's failed to realise how different my feelings and perspective are with a new baby. I have quietly gone along and supported him in similar situations in the past so I guess he assumes nothing's changed. I probably need to try and explain this to him...

OP posts:
Freyanna · 20/12/2017 21:46

I think it is too soon with such a young baby. Could you postpone the visit until Easter?

speakout · 20/12/2017 21:49

I don't think OH would expect me to go.

It sounds an awkward situation all round.

Notevilstepmother · 20/12/2017 21:49

Current advice is to get the baby out every half hour, so that sounds like a good excuse to me.

As for doing what everyone else wants, don’t be a martyr.

speakout · 20/12/2017 21:51

That's how I see it, but talking to DH he assures me this isn't the case.

My OH wouldn't be that insightful and sounds like yours isn't either if he fails to see your feelings around this too.

Him and I both trust my gut judgements.

sonlypuppyfat · 20/12/2017 22:04

I'm sorry I know a lot of people don't but I think your baby is too young, and it's too much travelling for you as well. It's not nice travelling weather it's damp and cold. Wait until Spring

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