Teenage boy and request to have 'not girlfriend' in room -

[Whippetwalker]

15 yo Ds seems to have started first relationship although says 'she's not my girlfriend'. Invited her round twice (she is also 15) but she would barely look at any of the family, despite effort to make her feel welcome(l appreciate this can be daunting). Dd of 11 said 'she won't even acknowledge my existence'. He only seems to have known her for a couple of weeks and has now asked why we have said she isn't allowed in his room with the door shut. Together they seem awkward and communication is stilted. Two mutual friends seem to have paired them up. He suggested that rather than going to the cinema with her and other family that the family go and leave them at home! I am concerned that (reading between the lines) there isn't enough there to support this relationship 'going upstairs'! Ds is resentful and has just said 'l can go in her bedroom' !. I want to support emotionally healthy relationships for both of them but all they seem to want to do is sit in a dark room 'watching tv'. Feels awkward. Advice please, first teenager! Thanks.

Hmm, at that age I'd allow shut doors but I'd check often.
I'd want them to feel comfortable enough in my house, where I'm supervising, otherwise they will go and do whatever it is they will do somewhere else.

I find the rural American state with no teenage pregnancies actually far more of a frightening place than good old south London.

I imagine those accessing abortions are taking huge risks. Poor girls.

My DS who is 16 has just asked can he invite his GF to sit in his room. I said yes but that I withheld the right to mercilessly piss take.

You sound nice.

Charolais, statistics from organisations like the WHO indicate that you're talking nonsense. Countries like the Netherlands, with comprehensive sex ed in schools and easy and free access to contraception not only have lower abortion rates than more conservative countries, they have later ages for starting sex. "Abstinence only" can actually lead to early sex among teens who are simply curious, or literally don't know what they're doing.

Still, .I'm sure Trump will solve the problem for you, using the same approach he takes to all evidence based, scientific enquiry: he'll just ban federal government from collecting the data.

For every one else on the thread, I can recommend googling Garfunkel and Oats' brilliant satirical song "the Loophole" (not work or child safe!)

Obviously we are raising our children differently than you are in South London and maybe you could learn something from how we do things here.

Differently does not mean the same as better.

Small Rural US town different to South London Shocker!

I think you might have your head in the sand Charolais - I came from a small UK village, and there's not a lot to do there....... (not me, I was short and fat and moved away 2 weeks after I turned 18... but the kids I left behind, well..)

The reason there are no teen pregnancies in rural conservative USA, is because they're all the result of old men raping (often incestuously) young girls - and old men have the resources to coerce children into covert abortions.

@Charolais if you find that highly offensive stereotyping, then maybe that's my point

Also most shockingly of all, child marriage is actually legal in more than half of US states, on phone but happy to provide links later if wanted -tge BBC had a piece on it recently and it's been covered by the Washington Post and New York Times): girls from rural conservative backgrounds are sometimes forced to marry the man who's impregnated them, even if it's rape.

Sorry for the derail but I'm really interested in teen pregnancy and its current downward trajectory.
This release gives details on teen pregnancies in England and Wales (the overall rate is 21 per 1000 - the lowest rate on record). The teen pregnancy rate in the US for the same year is 22.3 per thousand - also the lowest.

This map shows the conception rates state by state - rural states have the highest! In England and Wales, it tends to be disadvantaged areas of urban poverty (Blackpool, Burnley and Hull top the table) that have the highest rates.

There have been lots of theories about why birth rates have fallen among teens - better long-term contraception such as implants is seen as a huge factor. But also the finger has been pointed at Facebook (although not actually FB as no teen uses it) as teenagers spend more time communicating online rather than the proverbial hanging out in bus shelters. The vast majority of teens who do conceive now have abortions in the UK. It will be interesting to see what happens in the States in years to come now that access to abortion - and, I think, some contraception services - has become harder .

The sex education my teen DSs received at school is far more comprehensive than I got in the 1980s.

On mumsnet there is a huge divide of mums who think their kids will go shag in an alley if they don't allow them access to a bedroom so therefore, allow it: or the mums that know that they still can't enable underage sex but will have an open chat but not allowing it to go on under their roof. Because it is their house.

I take the final view, it is my house and I won't have two underage kids shagging in my house even as adults I won't allow sleep overs till I've known the person a few months and can see it's a long term thing as I don't really want to be bumping into strangers in MY house in the night! It is your house and it's about respect for you to. If my son came to me and said "oh well I'll do it else where then"!After I had said no but clearly had the safe sex chat with him I would feel no gullt. I would first make it clear to the other parent he is not to be allowed in the girls bedroom alone by any means for a start and if he finds somewhere else safe, fair enough I did my part having a chat. However, if he said I'll just do it in a park or whatever like some people's kids on here apparentely say to their mothers when told no () my safe sex chat clearly didn't work because it includes being safe and having some respect for the person you are with!!

I focused on the physical aspects to dd. Stretch marks, nipple changes, leaking boobs, mastitis, piles, those vaginal piles you can get, stress incontinence, the pain of child birth, pooing during childbirth, stitches (including the rectum) etc.

Worked for her. Quite a few of her friends are moving onto their second, she is off travelling the world.

If they are going to do it they will do.
IMO I would prefer my child wasnt doing it outside in bushes/parks etc,like all my friends did when they were 13/14.
I'd talk to him seriously and make condoms available even if I didnt like the idea.

Balanced with full information on contraception, emergency contraception, diseases, emotional issues and then letting her make her own choices.

No underage pregnancies in rural American state? Ha ha ha ha ha and fake news.

My mom poured cold water over this idea when I was a similar age, by saying "do you like to think about me and your dad having sex behind closed doors? What about the stuff before that?"

Obvs, at 15 my answer was "urgh mooooooom' don't say sex in front of me!!!" (Or similar).

"Well, it works both ways. Something to bear in mind if you decide to get intimate under our roof"

To this day, I have never had sex in my parents house. They ruined me for life

Its your house and they're underage.
If you don't want the door shut - the door stays open.

even as adults I won't allow sleep overs till I've known the person a few months and can see it's a long term thing as I don't really want to be bumping into strangers in MY house in the night

Aren’t you the welcoming sort. Also having sex isn’t usually going to result in you bumping into them, unless you’re wandering into their rooms and leaping on their bed?

It's so normal to be unable to speak at that age.

No it is not

Couple of links:

BBC on child marriage in the USA

(Disclaimer: not all American conservative evangelicals - I was chatting via email to a friend of mine in the US only last night who said "well, obviously I hope my children will follow my moral code, but they're their own people... so they're having the HPV vaccine!).

Back to the OP. As a PP said, there's a middle ground between refusing even to discuss sex, and allowing anything goes with underage teens - and that's talking about it openly (including consent, contraception, respect for each other, teen pregnancies, STDs, the emotional turmoil that hits after a break-up), while having an "open door" policy till they reach the age of consent.

Charolais.
You dont know that there are no teenage pregnancies where you live. People dont go broadcasting this and their medical information is confidential.

Well I'm in south London and school girl pregnancies certainly aren't rife around here. I can only think of one during the five years my DDs were at secondary school.

I'm yet to face the problem of boys in bedroom. DD has her first boyfriend but refuses to bring him round as she thinks her dad is embarrassing 😀

Condoms buy a boy choice. It's at the beginning of the process that they have a role. If their girlfriend is pregnant they may get to air their opinion, but they won't get a choice. Someone else will decide how they can change their life forever (whatever that choice may be).

Education about safe sex is essential within the context of a healthy relationship. I would also be talking about abstinence, mute non girlfriend or not!

I think you need to talk with your DS about safe sex and consent and then have some trust in him.

I think you are getting abit involved , don't scare the poor girl off.

at Charolais