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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Boyfriends Mum and Christmas

34 replies

Pickledonion24 · 19/12/2017 21:48

Boyfriends Mum lives 4 hours away so he dosnt often see her. we live together and have been dating for two years I’ve known him for 3. Our parents have never met and I said he could invite her to stay for Christmas. He kept putting off inviting her so I said if you don’t want her to come don’t worry. He kept saying he did and eventually asked her after my Mum and step dad said you better ask her before she makes other plans. My boyfriend after that said she’s coming for Christmas so I asked when. He said he would find out when he was off for Christmas and message her. My mums asked him daily since the start of December I’ve asked a few times so we can make the spare room and calculate dinner plans we have 11 of us coming on Christmas Day. I gave in and finally texted her today to ask when she was coming and she replied that she was waiting for my boyfriend to let her know when he’s off work he’s know for a week. I then asked him again if he wanted her to come and got all annoyed and said why would I not want my Mum to come i will ring her after dinner. He hasn’t rang her says he’s got a headache and will do it tomorrow ffs it’s not that hard

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 19/12/2017 21:56

There is a reason he is not asking.

Could just be his a procrastinator or it could be he doesn't want her there.
How often does he normally speak to her?

SparklingSnowfall · 19/12/2017 21:58

Agree, there's a reason. I wouldn't push it any further.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2017 22:01

Will she be staying at your house or your DM's?

Ashamedandblamed · 19/12/2017 22:01

He clearly doesn't want her to come.

My bf sounds like yours it takes weeks for a simple thing to be done.

Original poster

Pickledonion24 · 19/12/2017 22:05

We live with my mum

OP posts:

Eltonjohnssyrup · 19/12/2017 22:06

I don't see what the problem is. You know she is coming so that's okay for the food. And presumably making up the spare bed won't take long.

This is the sort of thing you have to get used to in a relationship. My family always like to have plans set out in stone and agreed well in advance. My husband's family are much more free and easy and just play things by ear. Neither is right or wrong, but you can't really expect another family to change the way they do things. You just have to adjust.

Tell him when he's sorted it out with his Mum it's his job to tidy up and make the spare bed and do any extra shopping needed for the day. Then you forget about it. Sorted. Just let them sort it out between them, don't get involved.

Angie169 · 19/12/2017 22:06

prehaps he is worried about you meeting because ; she has strong thoughts on something political / beliefs / etc that he thinks you may not agree with and he does not want to get stuck between you . or may be she drinks a bit to much and can get embarassing.

Original poster

Pickledonion24 · 19/12/2017 22:08

He is a procrastinator he’s getting all presents tomorrow

OP posts:

RedSkyAtNight · 19/12/2017 22:09

Just leave it to him. You seem to be getting unecessarily wound up over nothing. Presumably your bf either is not bothered about her coming, or knows it's no big deal to invite her last minute. Sounds like the only impact on you is making up the spare room bed or not (surely not a big problem to have one extra if you're catering for 11 anyway?)

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2017 22:10

He's maybe feeling a bit badgered if he's been asked about it since the beginning of December. He's invited her and she's accepted.

Ellisandra · 19/12/2017 22:11

Sounds like she's invited, she knows she's invited, he just hasn't sorted out exact dates.

I'd find that rude to your parents who are hosting her, but other people may just be more relaxed. I would actually be very relaxed about not having exact dates if it were my house - it's only the fact your parents want to know that changes it for me.

Why are you doing the wifework of micro managing both his relationship with his mother and the plans?

Ellisandra · 19/12/2017 22:13

Pressure on 20th is not procrastination! It's just when he's planned to do it. Procrastination is next Sunday afternoon!

Original poster

Pickledonion24 · 19/12/2017 22:15

Well I’ve got my Mum in one ear asking me when she’s coming. We’ve told other family that can’t stay as she is. She’s written off her car to so I don’t no if she Is coming at all. We have to also heat the other side of the house as it’s all locked up and not heated old heating so takes a day to warm up and we need to get in food

OP posts:

Original poster

Pickledonion24 · 19/12/2017 22:16

My mum keeps asking me constantly

OP posts:

Hatsoffdear · 19/12/2017 22:16

Take it she’s coming. Make up the soare room together. It’s just a posh Sunday lunch so guessing you have enough food.

Relax and enjoy

Hatsoffdear · 19/12/2017 22:19

Read your update. Call her yourself.

This wife work stuff on mumsnet does my head in. No couple I know has such rigid family boundaries that you can never cross. I buy cards for my sils as they are my family too. That’s what happens when you marry. Dh would help my family move furniture etc.

Just life.

MeadowHay · 19/12/2017 22:30

From your updates your DM sounds like the problem and the reason you are getting wound up, not your DH? Just leave him to it.

Ellisandra · 19/12/2017 22:35

@HatsOffDear I think whether you have a reaction to the phrase "wifework" depends on whether you have a nicely balanced relationship like yours - or not!

When you've been in a relationship where you feel all organising is pushed onto you, by the other person not bothering, it's really fucking annoying!

I can't decide hear whether the OP and her parents are just the sort of people who want everything pinned down and could actually try to unclench. Certainly I wouldn't care about notice to heat a room up!

HolyShet · 19/12/2017 22:39

I would tell your DP your mum needs to know now /tonight whether his DM is coming or not and when.

It is not at all unreasonable for a host to want to know when and if their guest is coming.

Tell him you will ring her to make arrangements if he does not/unless he tells you he doesn't want her to come.

He's a bit cavalier about her feelings (or there is some backstory). Not very christmassy/bit selfish.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 19/12/2017 22:40

Hats OP has texted the Mother who'se said she's waiting for the boyfriend, her son, to tell her when his days off are!

op..don't you know your boyfriend's days off?

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2017 22:41

He sounds like he's being swallowed up by your family. Perhaps he's worried it'll be overwhelming for his DM.

Hatsoffdear · 19/12/2017 22:42

Ellisandra

Fair point. It’s a balance most defiantly.

And I agree it’s difficult to see from the op who is being more unreasonable. Sounds like two different family approaches

HolyShet · 19/12/2017 22:48

And yes I would agree its lazy of him and very annoying that he doesn't jsut sort it out.

Original poster

Pickledonion24 · 20/12/2017 08:06

Well I do no when his days are off I text her yesterday after she said she didn’t no. He told me he told her when he was off work last week. I don’t think it’s unresenable to want to know when a guest is coming down

OP posts:

Original poster

Pickledonion24 · 20/12/2017 08:08

I don’t have her number just Facebook but I might ring her later although my partner will say not to as he will do it. And never get round to it

OP posts:

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