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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mental Load. I’m close to going nuclear.

45 replies

Slipperqueen3 · 19/12/2017 18:41

DH has finished work. Our kids finish School tomorrow, and DH’s best mate and his partner and 10 week old baby are coming tomorrow and staying in a hotel nearby. Between them, DH and his mate have made no kind of practical plans and this seems to be falling to me.

I’ve suggested that they come here, we have a nice Christmassy tea and then husband and the mate go the pub and his gf and baby go back to hotel. This seems like a reasonable plan to me.

DH now expects me to plan and prepare all the food without any idea of what he’d like. He doesn’t want to make decisions about it, “this is your idea to eat at home, you sort it.”

AIBU to serve them the fishfingers abs chips that the kids are having? Why is it my job to decide what the frig we all eat? It’s bloody mental load again isn’t it?

In case it’s not obvious this isn’t the first time we have argued about his wanting me to make all the decisions and just wants to sit back with the power of veto.Angry

Humph.

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 19/12/2017 18:44

YANBU, but I wouldn't have suggested a plan, now he has the excuse to say it's your plan.

Could you just leave him to it and go out for the day?

MairzyDoats · 19/12/2017 18:48

Call his bluff and say ok, if you don't know what you want we're going to a restaurant. What can he say? Being made to make all the decisions drives me up the wall too, I ended up leaving my husband because of his inability to contribute to any planning aspect of family life yet extraordinary ability to criticise my decisions (among other things!!)

Original poster
Slipperqueen3 · 19/12/2017 18:48

Not without snubbing the friend and gf and baby, whom I’m fond of.

God it pisses me off. On paper he’s a clever bloke but day to day he’s so simplistic. I could cheerfully kill him to bits right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Slipperqueen3 · 19/12/2017 18:50

I said that, but we both know it’d be harder for our kids, who are not especially restaurant friendly.

(What I actually might have said was “ok we’ll go to fucking pizza express then!” And he said “Fine. I’m just trying to have a discussion about this and you’re being difficult, with your feminist claptrap.” I started laughing then. He said that because I told him to man up this morning because he didn’t want to deal with the joiner.)

OP posts:
CheshireChat · 19/12/2017 18:52

This isn't just mental load, it's being downright lazy and disrespectful- I'd be "sick" and see what he does.

BulletFox · 19/12/2017 18:54

Sounds ok for fishfingers and chips.

Kewcumber · 19/12/2017 18:57

Send DH out with his mate to get fish and chips for everyone.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 19/12/2017 18:58

My response would likely be "lol, no" at being told to fucking cook. His friend, his problem.

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2017 18:59

Can you change it for drinks and nibbles if neither of you wish to shop and cook for them?

pandarific · 19/12/2017 19:01

Did he invite them or did you?

Either way you’ve said you’re not doing it - you need to follow through and not do it. Tell him you’re going out for the day tomorrow and that you will be back in time for them arriving. Leave him to it. He’s counting on your fear of snubbing them to make you do it. DONT do it.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 19/12/2017 19:01

When they come in your door is actually make a big point of saying "are you hungry? DH, what's plans for dinner?". He's not gonna lock up a fuss on front of his friends (you'd think)

SpartonDregs · 19/12/2017 19:14

Wait til they get there and you and the girlfriend go out/to the pub? Leave the menz to sort the kids/food out.

Feminist claptrap my arse.

IHaveBrilloHair · 19/12/2017 19:16

He's being a dick, but Fishfingers and chips are nice, honestly serve them.

youngnomore · 19/12/2017 19:20

Op. If you decide what to make will he at least help you ? Or is he even refusing to help ?

Bluntness100 · 19/12/2017 19:24

I would say you should both communicate better. If you bothagree to invite someone to your house for dinner, it would be wise to discuss at that time if either of you is willing to shop and cook for them, as opposed to each assuming thr other will.

If the answer is no, neither of you is willjng to shop or cook for them, as it is, then you should not invite them.

I'd have my husband just say dinner is off, meet you at the pub, or invite them for a coffee and next time discuss it before you issue the invite to prevent this happening. Clearly he's assumed you'd do it as it was his suggestion, you've assumed he would do it. Both of you assumed incorrectly. So best to chat it through.

Believeitornot · 19/12/2017 19:30

This is the sort of thing my dh does. It’s like he can’t be bothered to think through all of the consequences of decisions/actions.

And he doesn’t seem bothered if we might appear inhospitable to people which is embarrassing. I do and then end up making the extra effort.

diddl · 19/12/2017 19:32

If he's finished work he's got time to shop & cook tomorrow.

What's a Christmassy tea?

Surely whatever that is is what he needs to get!

Dozer · 19/12/2017 19:36

This time, for the sake of the new parent guests, I would sort the meal.

I would then not agree to social commitments involving hosting unless DH agreed to do his fair share. DH suggested having friends to stay this month, and all the neighbours round for food and drink, but when asked whether he would be doing 50% of planning, shopping and cooking went off the idea quickly! It’s sad to miss out on seeing friends but better than slaving away and being angry with DH.

I would not be suggesting the men went to the pub.

Dozer · 19/12/2017 19:37

Or I would make a list and ask DH to shop and prep food.

10thingsIhateAboutTheDailyMail · 19/12/2017 19:39

Why step in? Just do fish fingers for the kids as planned and get a curry or something when they all descend on you for food. Just do nothing, and you can all plan something last minute as a group

diddl · 19/12/2017 19:42

If the men went to the pub, why would the gf go back to the hotel?

hareagain · 19/12/2017 19:47

You suggested they come to you... I would say fish fingers are not OK for grown ups. While oven is on do a camembert, nice bread, meat, olives type affair. Not too tricky as most local supermarkets are catering for the christmassy tea you mention just now. Imagine with a ten week old they will just be chuffed someone else is sorting tea.

Thebluedog · 19/12/2017 19:49

Tell him you’ll all have a take away...

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 19/12/2017 19:54

The solution is to say "they're your friends, you sort it out because I am not going to"

He will, you know, if he believes you.

mellicauli · 19/12/2017 19:55

sounds good hargain.

Search for Charcuturie board on pinterest, choose one, make a list of everything on it and send him to the shops to get it. Print out the picture, tell him it's all his to create. You take the mental load, he does the heavy lifting..