Mental Load. I’m close to going nuclear.

[Slipperqueen3]

DH has finished work. Our kids finish School tomorrow, and DH’s best mate and his partner and 10 week old baby are coming tomorrow and staying in a hotel nearby. Between them, DH and his mate have made no kind of practical plans and this seems to be falling to me.

I’ve suggested that they come here, we have a nice Christmassy tea and then husband and the mate go the pub and his gf and baby go back to hotel. This seems like a reasonable plan to me.

DH now expects me to plan and prepare all the food without any idea of what he’d like. He doesn’t want to make decisions about it, “this is your idea to eat at home, you sort it.”

AIBU to serve them the fishfingers abs chips that the kids are having? Why is it my job to decide what the frig we all eat? It’s bloody mental load again isn’t it?

In case it’s not obvious this isn’t the first time we have argued about his wanting me to make all the decisions and just wants to sit back with the power of veto.

Humph.

If I was cooking I'd expect and want to decide what to cook- I'd be very pissed off to be dictated to as if I was an employee. But then again I'd sling the twat's arse out for the feminist claptrap comment. So, potatoes, potahtoes.

We have a group of mutual friends. I'm happy to arrange the dates and times of meet ups and host but we nearly always have a takeaway. I get to socialise too then.

Very bloody frustrating that he won't pitch in when specifically asked to. That's beyond expecting you to take the mental load and into lazy twat territory. Maybe you and the GF could pop to the pub for a swift half instead.

ooh I missed the feminist claptrap thing. Maybe you could arrange some playmobil figures in the charcuterie board as an homage to great women of our age. A suffragette playmobil sacrificing herself under some salami, a Marie Curie discovering penicillin on the brie, a playmobil Ada Lovelace throwing her magical spell over the breadsticks. You can explain it all to his friends. I am sure they will find it very funny and will refer back to it on many occasions for years to come.

So that’s how you spell “Potahtoes”....

The man is a prat. I have one. Make this the learning experience.

Go to Pizza Express, don't drive and let him pick up the slack...

Friends turn up. “Would you prefer pizza or fish & chips?”
Send DH.

I’d be happy with fish & chips and a bottle of fizz for a pre-Christmas treat.

What are you both doing between now and then? Are you at work and him at home with the kids?

Takeaway definitely.

As cook I generally decide what to cook - but I have anyone I’m cooking does number to question allergies, restrictions and dislikes.

Your DH would make me v v angry. I have offered to cook, if he just expected that’s a different ideal. Can he cook beyond a God damn burrito

To be fair OP, this is not that bad. Just do a curry or go to M&S. It's only 2 extra guests.

There is no need to "go nuclear." A really nice drink at the moment is rum (dark) with finder ale and a twist of orange over ice.

I’ve suggested that they come here, we have a nice Christmassy tea and then husband and the mate go the pub and his gf and baby go back to hotel.

See, as soon as you suggested you make a nice christmassy tea, it does sound as if you have a plan, and I'd be a bit surprised if someone suggested that, then got cross if I didn't come up with a meal plan, and angrily said they'd make fishfingers. I'd wonder why they suggested it, if they had no idea what to cook!?

Surely you had some ideas of what you meant, when you suggested this?

A christmassey tea is a high tea. So hot sausage rolls, pigs in blankets, spinach or onion quiche, cherry tomatoes, potato salad, rolls AND chips and fishfingers for children. And banana cake/ or lemon cake plus tangerines/bananas for pudding. Can be found in any supermarket.

Don't think it needs to be fancier or more ordinary than that surely?

I would be avoiding the dinner party effect or even the children's tea effect. Casual yet filling, and slightly buffet style so you can show that you are busy with children as well as welcoming! And then partner can wander off with baby without appearing rude (if and when it starts crying)

tbh I don't understand why you made the suggestion. You should have left him to come up with a plan.
If I made a suggestion for lunch, I'd be pissed off if my DH then said he'd worked out what that meant and who was cooking it. He's not my master.
He needs to dial back the name-calling. You need to take back the power of veto. You're giving him too much influence.
and fwiw I don't understand why you suggested the 'men' go to the pub whilst the women look after the DCs. Your feminism needs a helluva lot of work

I'm only joking a bit... actually I want these now :-)

Fancy fish finger sandwiches

DH and his mate sort of chatted between them in a “must see you at Christmas and meet the baby” kind of way. No other useful arrangements were made.

So, it’s been decided that sandwiches/buffet/quiche thing is the way forward, so DH will be dispatched to sort that out.

His mate suggested beers as they want a proper catch up and the assumption was that gf won’t take baby to the pub. But Gwen I take your point. I’ve got ground down.

I'd go with:" you are right, but I don't have time so let's go with your plan instead" and let it sort out a plan and then prepare the meal.

See, as soon as you suggested you make a nice christmassy tea, it does sound as if you have a plan, and I'd be a bit surprised if someone suggested that, then got cross if I didn't come up with a meal plan, and angrily said they'd make fishfingers. I'd wonder why they suggested it, if they had no idea what to cook!?

^^ This. Also, doesn't sound great for the men to go to the pub, and your DH's friend's DP has to go back to the hotel with the baby. In her shoes, I'd feel unwelcome

I'd suggest you all have a takeaway together. No fuss, no effort, just a nice relaxed evening. Or go to Pizza Express, which you suggested and your DH seemed OK with. Why don't you just do that??

Only read post #1

But OP, you hae taken on the role. It is you who has come forward to organise and suggest.

Let the traffic pass,,just watch it as it goes...