Another wedding one - expensive gifts expected as well as hen do - can I get out of it?

[HenQuestion]

Asked to be bridesmaid and go to hen do etc for friend, all fine. But the chief bridesmaid was recently bridesmaid for her other friend and as well as going to the hen do, her and the other hens did like an advent calendar-style countdown of gifts for the wedding (only 12 days, not 24!!). But these weren't little things like idk makeup or flowers, it was big gifts like handbags and a night in a nice hotel!
She wants to do the same thing. Even with us all chipping in it's going to add up.

I can't afford it but also, happy though I am that my friend is getting married, and that she wants me as bridesmaid, I don't feel I should be obligated to buy her all these gifts just because she's decided to get married.

AIBU?
If not, how do I or can I get out of it?

What a greedy and horrible idea! Just say "no, sorry, can't afford that." Seriously. Women everywhere will thank you.

Agreed, just say no. I know if anyone had done this for my wedding, I would have been mortified. I was grateful just to have my friends and family there (they had to travel really far, some from overseas). I would have been really uncomfortable receiving piles of unexpected gifts on top of that and our normal wedding presents. It feels like this is a lot more about the bridesmaid friend than the bride and that's awkward.

What MycatsaPirate said.

I just don’t get it. Been married 15 years. Couldn’t imagine making such demands on people back then.

This sounds too much. I would be honest and say I can’t afford it. I took my best friend for lunch at a really nice restaurant before she got married. I didn’t expect any of he bridesmaids to chip in. I just wanted to do it and so spent my own money. It is expensive as it is I would t go along with this. I also wouldn’t have wanted this when I got married, friends celebrating with you is enough.

Why don't you instead of just saying "no" do as some previous PPs have suggested and suggest something homemade for the 12 gifts. Things that might take people a little bit (not too much time) and effort and which bride can keep. Photo montages, etc.

What everyone else has said and then watch the TED TALK on how to give less fucks.

I didn't even have a hen party, and I survived.

The advent calendar is a nice idea, if you have time and agree a budget everyone can afford. Otherwise, no.

Keepservingthedrinks why on earth should she do that? Why do you think people should give up their time to make gifts, simply because the woman is getting married?
I'm genuinely puzzled. You get married. You have a hen night. People give you presents. Isn't that enough?

Sorry, should have said people give you wedding presents.

' I can't afford it'. Factual statement. Shrieking about it doesn't change it, so anyone who shrieks can be ignored.

Speak up now. If chief bridesmaid too stupid to cope, speak to bride. If friend also chucks toys, dump.

What noeffingidea said. Why do you have to give her even more gifts? Unbelievable.

Why don't you instead of just saying "no" do as some previous PPs have suggested and suggest something homemade for the 12 gifts. Things that might take people a little bit (not too much time) and effort and which bride can keep. Photo montages, etc.

God trying to imagine making up photo montages and doing crap crafts for a grown woman just because she is getting married. i would be beyond mortified if anyone did this for me. Do people not have lives which are already full to teeming themselves? As pp wonderfully said she is getting married not becoming reigning monarch.

Thanks all, you're making me feel less stingy! I will definitely raise it with the chief bridesmaid, as you say hopefully others are in the same position but don't want to say. I will suggest the cheaper version - photos etc. I am rubbish at that kind of thing - it would look like a 2yr old made it! So that might get me out of making it and I can just contribute a little bit of money to it.

Those fucking bridesmaidzillas are the worst!!

Tell them no. Tell them that you're already getting the bride and groom a gift. If they have an issue with that just explain that you can't afford it and that you're sure the bride would hate the thought of one of the BM's being at a loss financially because of something like this

You just say no, ideally tell her its a bloody ridiculous idea as well but at least just say a large, fat NO. Don't give any reason at all (including affordability) unless you are happy closing off any follow up discussion including guilt tripping.

I think expectations about weddings, hen/stag months and all the rest of it are absurd these days and all the nonsense distracts from the important part which is actually the marriage. Honestly I'd donate to pre marriage counseling to help people make a good decision but not all the arse and frills

Why don't you instead of just saying "no" do as some previous PPs have suggested and suggest something homemade for the 12 gifts. Things that might take people a little bit (not too much time) and effort and which bride can keep. Photo montages, etc.

Yes, come on OP, use all your time and creative efforts and no doubt at least some of your money to help your Bridezilla friend make memories of her special day?

Because the hen night, the photo shoot, the gift list, the choosing of the dress and the rings, the honeymoon and the wedding day itself won't be memory making enough, obviously. She'll need some other stuff to help her remember.

Fuck me, the world has gone truly, truly mad.

Some of this wedding shit is absolutely mad!

I got married 2 years ago and I was so conscious of not inconveniencing people. You know your bride friend and you'll know whether she will be mortified at the idea of people being so out of pocket for her!!

I don't begrudge people a fancy hen do but you also have to be gracious to those who can't afford the time or money to come, but this additional nonsense on top is just daft.

I had a £10 afternoon tea then we went to the local pub, people were able to slip away early if they wanted (or not come at all) and because of the lack of expense and no daft imposed theme, I had loads of good pals able to come to my hen do. Also I don't feel at all guilty as I know I didn't bankrupt anyone in the process.

Bridesmaid-Zilla can do one!!

So much wastage and buying for buyings sake.

Yes everyone deserves their day but like Astrid said there is enough with the wedding, honey moon etc.

What next hen night hen night reunions and a groom on the shelf doing mischievous things?

Well op your going to have to pull your bid girl pants up now, unless you want to be roped into it. Tell her no sorry you can't afford it so won't take part, tell her that not everybody is going to be able to afford this.

The other thing you would have to look out for is that chiefbridesmaidzilla wasn't intending to split the cost between everyone else and exclude herself!

Please say no before this becomes a 'thing' like choreographed first dances, and gradually everyone feels they have to do a sodding wedvent calendar as part of the standard wedding arrangements.

Tell them that you're already getting the bride and groom a gift. If they have an issue with that just explain that you can't afford it and that you're sure the bride would hate the thought of one of the BM's being at a loss financially because of something like this.

I like this, thanks booster.