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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another wedding one - expensive gifts expected as well as hen do - can I get out of it?

47 replies

HenQuestion · 19/12/2017 14:46

Asked to be bridesmaid and go to hen do etc for friend, all fine. But the chief bridesmaid was recently bridesmaid for her other friend and as well as going to the hen do, her and the other hens did like an advent calendar-style countdown of gifts for the wedding (only 12 days, not 24!!). But these weren't little things like idk makeup or flowers, it was big gifts like handbags and a night in a nice hotel! Shock
She wants to do the same thing. Even with us all chipping in it's going to add up.

I can't afford it but also, happy though I am that my friend is getting married, and that she wants me as bridesmaid, I don't feel I should be obligated to buy her all these gifts just because she's decided to get married.

AIBU?
If not, how do I or can I get out of it?

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 19/12/2017 14:52

Sounds extravagant. Is this instead of a gift at the actual wedding. If they expect a wedding gift too it really is too much. Depends how well off the other hens are.

LoveInTokyo · 19/12/2017 14:52

Please for the love of god, not just for your own sake but for all the other hens as well, nip this one in the bud before it gets out of control.

You need to gently explain to the other bridesmaid that although the advent calendar is a lovely idea, you cannot afford to spend that much and it is likely that other people will be in the same position.

There's nothing worse than a bridesmaid-zilla planning something crazily expensive for a hen do/present and then the bride being disappointed that some of her friends then make excuses for why they can't go to the hen do because they're too embarrassed to say it'll financially cripple them.

DancesWithOtters · 19/12/2017 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SchoolMoney · 19/12/2017 14:55

Please say no. Just no.

Other BM: so we're thinking of x y z for this, ok?
You: no
OBM: But you have to!
You: no

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/12/2017 14:57

‘Sorry I can’t afford that’. Don’t be embarrassed, very few people could afford that or would want to spend so much on a friend!

HarrietKettleWasHere · 19/12/2017 14:57

No. Just no. Is this really real? Seriously?

I just can't imagine this kind of person in real life.

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2017 14:58

Just say no, I wont be participating. Then everyone else will agree that it's too much. Be the brave one who highlights the madness.

LoveInTokyo · 19/12/2017 14:58

We did the wedding advent calendar thing for one of my friends. It was great, she loved it. But they were tiny things. Sweets, photos, things with some kind of emotional significance. We bought three presents each and I doubt anyone spent more than a tenner.

Original poster
HenQuestion · 19/12/2017 15:00

I wish it wasn't Harriet. Originally I thought it was a nice idea (for little bits and bobs) but then they showed me her Facebook with the gifts on and I was Shock
I would link it but it's her personal page.

OP posts:
FuzzyCustard · 19/12/2017 15:00

Or agree it is a lovely idea but the budget will be a total of £10 each for the whole 12 presents (or whatever you can afford). Spending huge amounts is a ridiculous idea and I would be embarrassed to accept gifts on that scale, especially if I knew my friends couldn't afford it.

twiney · 19/12/2017 15:00

I dont understand how people can actually have friends like this. Mental.

Herewegoagain01 · 19/12/2017 15:00

Blimey YANBU, I’d have felt awful if my bridesmaids had spent a large amount of money on my wedding, especially if they can’t afford it! Please tell her you won’t be able to contribute, and that’s it’s completely unnecessary. I’m sure you won’t be the only one feeling like this.

Original poster
HenQuestion · 19/12/2017 15:01

Yes Tokyo I'd be happy with that, it is a nice idea in principle.

OP posts:
pallisers · 19/12/2017 15:02

Say no. all the other bridesmaids will thank you. This is just nuts. I'd have been mortified if I was getting small presents from my friends for the 12 days before my wedding - cringe.

HarrietKettleWasHere · 19/12/2017 15:02

Well apart from the expense it's just hassle isn't it? Does anytime really have the time to think of these things Xmas Confused then shop for them and give them out, presumably wrapped? Just no!

She's getting married, she's not becoming sovereign queen. Jesus!

Trinity66 · 19/12/2017 15:05

Speak up, I guarantee more people than you think are feeling exactly how you are about it. Don't let yourself be bullied into it, it sounds ridiculous, I never heard anything like that

Justmuddlingalong · 19/12/2017 15:08

Why anyone agrees to be a bridesmaid anymore, is beyond me.

noeffingidea · 19/12/2017 15:20

Agree with Justmuddlingalong.
Yeah I'd just nip this one in the bud. She's an adult woman who's making a commitment to another adult. No need for little cutesy pressies. TBH I wouldn't even indulge my own children in this way. It would be like giving them an advent calendar with gifts for 12 days in the run up to their birthday.
Nah, fuck that. The special day is the birthday/wedding, and fair enough they get a little bit spoiled on that day, but no need to spin it out.

kateandme · 19/12/2017 15:35

we need to dispel this kind of stuff and not being able or thoughtful of people not being able to afford stuff.there are so many people in the same position who doing this would just not be an option with the funds they have.and you shouldn't feel ashamed of that.ever.
be honest.its ok.or it should be.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/12/2017 15:36

Noway.i would say no sorry, you can't afford it. But go ahead without me.

Minniemountain · 19/12/2017 15:37

Keep a careful eye on the hen do too. It sounds like it could get expensive.

ChasedByBees · 19/12/2017 15:39

That's ridiculous. No one else has a right to spend your money. Just say no.

expatinscotland · 19/12/2017 15:41

I've read it all now! That's just ridiculous. You just say, 'Sorry, I can't afford to participate in that.' And nothing more.

MycatsaPirate · 19/12/2017 15:43

I mourn the days when being a bridesmaid meant wearing a hideous lilac dress which you wore because you loved the bride and it matched her 'theme'. And the hen do was a night going from pub to pub in town getting drunk and then having a kebab on the way home.

When did it all get so fucking complicated? and expensive? It's like it's not enough to have a big wedding but need a holiday with the hens before the wedding and now a wedding advent? Seriously?

I am seriously tempted to get dp to just elope with me. I couldn't handle this level of crazy.

BewareOfDragons · 19/12/2017 15:50

Just say no.

I really, really don't understand why people have unlimited amounts of money and time to spend on other people's weddings and the run up to them! So entitled.