To not know what makes a likeable person

[Eatingwormswithwine]

All my life any friends I have made have drifted away, I am never included amongst groups of friends I know. My family doesn’t really bother with me. Every time I try and make new friends it lasts a while then fizzles out. I can only surmise that I must not be very likeable. Aibu to ask, what makes a likeable person. What can I do to keep friends? What can I do to be included?

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The person I know who has most friends is always doing things for other people and hosts events a lot, it might be you need to invite others not wait to be invited?

Honesty and being able to keep a secret and not gossip

Lasting friendships happen in time IMO. People youve known for years. In my case, my dearest friends are old friends but I see them only once or twice a year. Everyone else is an aquatintance & they come & go.
I make acquaintances very easily - I smile & chat but more often

than not, they drift away.

Develop interests and be casual. People have fewer real friends than you think

Well one thing you need to do is be realistic about expectations. When you say "what can I do to be included?" who do you mean? For example, a woman I know was recently complaining bitterly to me about not being included by a group of women she called her friends. On the face of it, it sounded unfair, until you realise that she met one of these women at her kids school and had been invited to a few coffee mornings. She thought she should be included in every thing this group of women ever did, but some of them had known each other 25 years and were extremely close, it was completely unreasonable for my acquaintance to expect to be included in their nights out and weekends away!
The woman I'm speaking of always does that though, she is lonely and wants to make friends but she is needy and expects too much from people and it puts them off, and they stop including her. It's sad but she can't seem to change, because she doesn't see any problem with herself, only with everyone else.

I have no idea if anything in that resonates with you, but it might help. If you want to make friends, start slowly. Join groups so you have an interest to share with people, be cheerful and interested in others, but not too full on. Invite other people to things, don't just wait for them to ask you.

Good luck.

Friends do drift away. Friendship meets a need at the time, when one of you no longer has that need, the friendship drifts away.

Accept that friendships are temporary and make new friends at a sufficient rate to replace those whose lives have moved on. But, like happiness, you can't approach friendship head on. Get involved in lots and lots of activities that you enjoy, and the friendships will follow.

Don't try to be "likeable" - any false front will just get you friends with a similar false front.

In my experience, it gets easier as you get older. Older women are less bound up with partners and families, and age differences matter less, so you have a bigger "pool" and more chance of meeting kindred spirits.

A lot of it is about confidence. The people I know who are the most likeable are kind, good listeners and conversationalists and do lots of interesting things. They just do stuff like go out to interesting places, do courses, regular exercise.
They just seem more ‘together’.

I think it depends on who you want to be friends with. Different people are attracted/repelled by different things. I for example like people who are clever, witty, funny, thick skinned, self deprecating and, quiet. I can't for the life of me stand people who are petty, talk too much, speak loudly, have nothing interesting to say, are too needy or, competitive.

A great conversationalist

Sorry meant to add: when I look at all the different people I've stayed friends with, thats what they all have in common.

You have to arrange things, invite people along and not always be banging on about your woes. I find people that continually talk about their problems drag me down. It's fine to seek support but not to be a moaner - fine balance!!

Well, what is likeable to one person is likely a turn off to someone else! If you try and please people all the time, you'll become drained and fed up! I'd suggest not trying to b likeable! Just be yourself

Ps. Agree with everything BrandNewHouse says above!!

Do you miss any of the friends who has drifted away? If so, this time of year might be a nice time to send a card (it'll be late by now but no one cares about that) to get in touch, ask how they are and say that you're thinking of them and it would be lively to catch up in the New Year. People appreciate being remembered by others, and it's a nice way to be thoughtful, esp if you make an effort to write a proper message in the card, asking after things that are important to them, opposed to just "Dear X, Merry Christmas, Best wishes, Y"

Thank you, these are really helpfull comments and I can definitely relate to some of the points made and really welcome the advice. It helps to hear others experiences and I feel a lot more positive. I guess I have been feeling really lonely recently and letting it get to me.
Ps. I didn’t mean to sound passive aggressive by using the word surmise, I couldn’t think of another word!

A good sense of humour to me is key, not taking yourself too seriously and finding humour in kids and husbands etc.

I have a friend who laughs hysterically at everything. The first time I met her I thought, ,wow I'm on fire tonight, I'm so funny. Then I realised she is always like that. She has a lot of friends.

But maybe that’s a good point, maybe I come across as passive aggressive or whatever when I really don’t mean to.... maybe I do come across as needy too.

Do you have hobbies? Are there any activities you’d like to do?
Look on meetup.com in your area and see if there are any groups you’d like to be a part of.
Fill your time with things that you like to do and start feeling me more content then you won’t feel so needy and reliant on the the next person you befriend.

I read somewhere that roughly a third of people will like you, a third are not bothered either way and a third just don’t like you.

Or replace ‘like’ with ‘get’-they will be on your wavelength or not.

Obviously that is simplistic but it helps me remember to be myself and not try too hard with the ones who probably can’t stand me.

People love people who are genuine, they are the same no matter who they’re with. They have integrity-do what they say they are going to do, don’t make stuff up to fit in or show off. I also love people who make the best of a bad situation and quickly see the absurd side of life’s curve balls.

I like those statistics Ivegotbills.

I find it hard to be natural, I’m constantly checking myself, trying to be “likeable”

DH has it, that likeability factor, people flock to him in droves but he's a genuinely nice person; he likes people, he's genuinely interested in them, he's both a good listener and a raconteur, he never pokes fun at people, belittles or puts them down, never has a nasty word to say about anyone or anything. He just nice.

He said to me once, "I'd like to be exciting, not nice". I like nice, nice is safe, dependable and cuddly. Under rated word is nice, it doesnt quite convey the true meaning.

I find good humour and being positive. People generally don't like being around moaners and negative people. I learned this later in life than I would have liked but it makes all the difference.