To not know what makes a likeable person

[Eatingwormswithwine]

All my life any friends I have made have drifted away, I am never included amongst groups of friends I know. My family doesn’t really bother with me. Every time I try and make new friends it lasts a while then fizzles out. I can only surmise that I must not be very likeable. Aibu to ask, what makes a likeable person. What can I do to keep friends? What can I do to be included?

Something I've really noticed a lot over the last couple of years is just how wearing and dispiriting it is to interact with someone who only wants to talk about themselves. You see them glaze over, just waiting to jump back to making the conversation about them.

I really, really value people who actually listen. Then engage. A reasonable number of people can't seem to do this.

This is so insightful.

Interesting thread. I've always felt I find it hard to make friends, since I left school. I've done a lot of looking at myself and think it's for a few reasons:

1. I can feel shy so don't make eye contact with people much or feel like I can talk to them
2. I am becoming too comfortable being at home so don't often go out for work dos or want to invite people out
3. I find small-talk hard which comes across as being uninterested in other people's lives when first getting to know people
4. I say things that can be taken the wrong way when I really don't mean them like that

Fortunately these are things I can work on, so having recently moved I am putting them into practice. I know people say 'be yourself' but I really feel that being more aware of how I come across in the initial stages means I'll be able to be myself when people know me.

So far I'm feeling positive; a colleague invited me to the pub last Friday and I had a good time talking to her for over 2 hours and I'm in an evening class where there's someone I have a lot in common with so I've arranged to meet her for coffee before the next class.

Sorry for the long post but I wanted to share how things are for me as your OP really resonated with me x

I think people who are likeable make others feel good about themselves, important and liked.
People who are always trying to point out how much better they are than others are unlike me, so the reverse must be true

Have you ever read How To Win Friends And Influence People by Dale Carnegie? It’s honestly brilliant. It was first published in 1936 and has been updated several times since then - it’s never been out of print!

I read it years ago and it changed my life. Even now, when I’m feeling a bit unloved, I re-read it and it reminds me of the important stuff.

It’s easentially a guide on how to be likeable, and it’s just calm, helpful, practical and useful advice that really works miracles.

I think there was a new updated version printed recently. Have a look! You don’t even have to read the whole thing - the first section is about friendships, the second half is more about business.

Here’s the link: www.amazon.co.uk/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0091906814/ref=nodl_?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I found it helpful to try not to worry about what people thought of me, and to think instead about what I thought of them

Can I ask a related question? At what point does someone cease to be an acquaintance and become a friend? Say for example a parent you’ve met in the playground? I ask because I have suspected aspergers and I’m not good at this sort of stuff.

MadamePatti I'd say that it's when you really look forward to seeing them/being with them, make plans to meet them because it gives you pleasure to be with them and that is clearly mutual because a. they do the same b. they reply positively to suggestions to meet up.

A big clue is if you feel relaxed around them. Literally relaxed - as in your shoulders and stomach muscles aren't tight.