Mental load and being 'blamed' for stuff

[MrsDeaconClaybourne]

Not sure if this is an AIBU or not - more something I've been thinking about after a hectic weekend.

In terms of actually doing stuff I think DH and I have a pretty equal share. In fact, when he's at home (sometimes he works away) he'll often do more than me. He'll get up early and walk the dog, stay up to unload the dishwasher etc. However I definitely do more of the mental stuff - planning, remembering, organising. Most of the time even that's ok - I generally work a lot less than DH and I like being on top of what's going on.

When there's extra stuff going on though, like Christmas at the moment I start to feel a bit overwhelmed at times.

Anyway, I ended up getting really cross this weekend as I realised that when things go wrong I get the blame for them rather that anyone noticing the majority of times when things go smoothly cos of my planning. So this weekend, for example, I forgot something one of the DC needed for an activity so they were upset with me - DH had no idea that they needed it and only had to turn up to watch said activity not blamed at all.

Sounds really petty now written down so fully prepared to be told I'm BU but it was a bit of a revelation in realising why I feel a bit resentful sometimes even though DH does loads and wondered if anyone else had noticed the same.

(DH doesn't blame me btw - he's lovely and far more laid back than me - it's more me feeling like I've messed up I think)

This is us too. My husband does more than his share of the housework, but I do all the organising. He's never planned a holiday, I do all the online banking, bill paying, organising Christmas/birthday presents and cards. It's the financial admin that stresses me out the most, it often feels like he takes no responsibility for our finances because I do it.

Yes DP is generally good, better than most friends DPs, but I do most of the mental load and the ‘kids only’ type activities. He keeps going on about DS having swimming lessons so I suggested that next time he was at the gym (3 times a week, same leisure centre) he could put his name down. “You know what they are like up there, those types of inquiries take ages.... “ So I’ll do it next time I’m we’re at soft play while I watch a two year old bolter toddler and a screaming baby?

Same with the food shop.... “but I’ve got the be back for 7 so I won’t have time..... I don’t get enough time in my one hour lunch break (to walk next door to Tesco’s) I don’t like doing online shop as it’s best when we pick the meat or veg”

I’ll do it then with a toddler and a baby in trolley. I’ll probably forget half of it even with a list as there’s only so much you can concentrate on.

TheGoldenBowl yes mine says exactly the same! Drives me crazy. Then when I say 'No, we didn't' he'll launch into some excuse about how he was doing something else and land the blame on me with very loud subtext. Why couldn't he just have said 'Did you bring X' in the first place!

Anyway OP, YANBU at all. I wouldn't mind bearing the majority of the mental load nearly as much if I got some acknowledgement of the times when it all works out fine. But they only notice the 1% of the time it doesn't.

When the DC were small and we were all going out somewhere, I would start collecting all the stuff (toys, drinks, spare clothes, etc etc) and making sure they went to the loo, doors & windows locked, coats & shoes on and so on & so forth. DH would be doing his share, then get cross about something and go and wait in the car. Eventually I would have everything sorted and get us all in the car and (you guessed it!) DH would start moaning because WE TOOK TOO LONG.

ffs

I've tried explaining the mental load to my OH but he doesn't get it.

I'm the one who
-meal plans
-Does the food shop (he puts half of it away)
-wraps all presents except for mine
-chooses and buys 95% presents
-ensures we have adequate paper and tape
-Arranges Dr/dentist appointments
-has to juggle the general finances and payments of a household and over sees the household budget.

I'm so tired of all of it.

I do all of the mental load stuff and it pisses me right off that I've fallen into the trap.

"I'll cook, what shall we have for tea?". That is liable to have me incandescent with rage.

We've stopped going to parkrun, I've realised because it was yet another thing for me to organise. "Are 'we' going?". It would be me running round like a blue arsed fly coaxing 3 moaning children out of bed, while he got up at the last minute, allowing just enough time for himself to get ready. "Have 'we' got the water bottles?". How have I got myself in this trap? It creeps up on you. It's infuriating.

I can really relate to this. I have started to answer back and it's worth it for the startled look on my poor DH's face. To give you an example,

• what are you cooking for tea tonight?
• I don't know what do you want?
• I don't mind
• why are you asking then?

But the worst is trying to get him to buy a present for his mother. I mean it's HIS mother - why am I even involved?

I've taught myself to answer all questions with 'I don't know', I love seeing the confused look on his face (but it pisses me off at the same time)

What are the kids having for dinner?
I don't know.

What shopping do we need?
I don't know.

Are the uniforms washed?
I don't know.

The thing is DH is a fully functioning adult, he is just as capable as me in all areas of our lives. I dont know how if happened. I don't want to be the PM of our lives.

I'd love just once to just sort my self out and to swan downstairs after a peaceful shower and see DH and kids ready to go. Shoes on, bags packed etc.

It's like pre holiday prep. Another one that pisses me off. It's always me running around like a blue-arse fly. Washing, packing, iron, shopping.

But he works full-time+ and I'm part-time, so I'm never sure on exactly what's 'fair' iyswim?

Apple

I've been in hospital then am home recovering, but won't actually be better for ages, so it has taken about three weeks of me being genuinely too tired or whatever to pass the message to dh that he's actually going to have to take on some of this load. Yesterday we actually ran out of all the food I'd stocked up on last month before I went into hospital. This morning he (hallelujah) suggested a time we could get to the supermarket. Result

I've tried and failed so many times to explain it. It is pretty much the only thing we argue about. I do often use Apple's technique now though which is quite effective.

Dolly if you're ill why are you going to the supermarket with him?

I get this too - drives me mad. Now if he comments that something isn't done I respond "feel free". I also no longer cook at the weekend although it means ready meals/pasta/beans on toast. I have also said that if I have to project manage the home I need to be able to delegate the actual work. Doesn't quite work that way but he is finally, after more than a quarter century of marriage, doing some of the brain work.

I also seem to be responsible for the bag pack with drinks, snacks and wipes so when DP asks if he can clean DS's hands or something I ask him if he's packed any!

However, the way I've looked at it is this- I take on the most of the mental load, he can bloody tidy as I hate it and am terrible at it.

After running St Nick for me, I made it clear what he doesn't plan/ help organise for Christmas simply isn't happening and to his credit he's taken on a load of stuff including wrapping. Though he thought helping with the shopping list was to offer Pinterest style suggestions instead of exactly what we need .

Pre holiday prep is another one I end up doing all of. He couldn't understand my objection to going on holiday either in the middle of a massive house move or a week after it.

He just doesn't get how much prep is needed and how that's the last bloody thing I'd want to do in the middle of such a massive upheaval like a house move. He thought "we" could just pack the bags and leave them by the front door ready to go.

The "what shall I cook for tea?" Drives me insane!! Refer to the menu or open the freezer or better yet ask the sodding kids who are two feed away from You!!!!

@TheGoldenBow and @LBOCS2

Just to join in on that one, my DH will respond with

'But I'm asking YOU, if WE brought the xyz with us'

OP you sound like you and your DH are pretty much a good team.

I think you should be proud of the fact that you actually identified and admit to feeling that bit of resentment. Helps you to move on away from it.

If it's any consolation, my DH usually stands at the door and waits for me to remember everything we need including both kids. Yes, he literally just stands by the front door and yells 'are you ready yet?!'.

Whilst me with a kid in each arm, pram between my legs, holding changing bag by the tip of my nose, gripping lunch bags with my teeth and stuffing coats and hats into any hole or crevice available.

I likewise take lots more of the mental load and project-manage stuff. To be fair to DH, he does the cooking (which I hate) and menu planning, so I'm lucky in that respect. But since we had a baby last year I've had to make a real effort to get him to learn to think about the other stuff. We had infuriating (for me) situations where we needed to go somewhere in the morning, and I'd set the alarm 2 hours earlier in order to get myself plus baby ready, and he'd get up an hour after me and then arse around doing absolutely nothing to help, and get cross with me for being stressed. So rather than doing everything myself or telling him exactly what to do, I started appointing him as deputy PM. Little things eg "do you want to pack the change-bag and I'll pack the food-bag?" do that he actually had to learn what to do and what was needed. Worked a treat and he actually does these things proactively now.

I do think the balance can be redressed, but you have to allow your OH to fail... you have to let go.

Years ago I went back to work full time having been a full time SAHM and managed All The Home Stuff.

I carefully gave DH the phone numbers for doctors, dentists, nanny, school, etc.

After a few months he said 'Aren't the children due to see the dentist?' And I said 'Yes they are.'

A few months later... 'Aren't the children due to see the dentist?' And I said 'Yes they are.'

A few months later... 'Aren't the children due to see the dentist?' And I said 'Yes they are.'

He said 'Oh I'll organise it, what's the dentist's phone number.'

I said, 'I gave it to you when I went back to work so I guess it's in your phone but otherwise you could Google it.'

It took a while for him to gradually realise that this was going to happen every time he tried to shift the mental load onto me, but he's totally there now.

I still answer questions like 'What's for dinner?' with 'Whatever you feel like cooking.'

Oh god yes I feel like I have to organise everything otherwise we would be in complete chaos! I am relatively organised and find it makes life easier. Ironically DP works as a project manager but home stuff he is terrible, maybe he needs to write a list or project plan?!
There are times I haven't done stuff on purpose to see if he will but no. Or other times he told me not to worry and he would sort it. I had an early appointment and arranged to meet him and DD after for a day out; he brought none of the practical stuff no water, snacks, suncream etc. We had to go to Boots and buy all items when we had stuff at home. I was fuming!

I recently gave up full time work due to stress ruining my life. For a long time I wasn't working because I was unwell and found all the day to day wife work really hard. I felt guilty at first because I couldn't do all these things while I was at home all day and kids were at school. Then it dawned on me one day I was cleaning a bathroom. I frigging worked full time and did all the crappy wifework too. This gave me the full on RAGE! Small changes are being made.mostly by me being passively aggressively non-committal.

So I've cooked the tea (toad-in-the-hole thanks for asking), fed the fish, put on the washing up, done two loads of washing, written some more Christmas cards and helped DC with revision and thought you might like another one.

Yeah? OK then:
DH: whose turn is it to feed the cats?
Me: I have no idea (I love the cats but have enough to do looking after the humans and they all promised that the cats would be their responsibility when they begged me to let them have them)😸

Point I was trying to make is that this isn't all in my head. I am ill and no the health anxiety doesn't help but that doesn't take away from the fact I very likely have an inflammatory disease which everyone said I was being silly ro suggest.

You've got PILES, you silly cow. Piles. Up your arse.

Grow the fuck up.

DH gets the school texts as he is before me alphabetically and they only email one parent. It has made a difference in my mental load, and makes sense as he does more drop offs and pick ups than me.
I have also started "inviting" him to events by email via my phone calendar and if asks when/ where something is I tell him to check his calendar. It also helps if he claims I never told him about something. (I recently started doing this with my parents as they also drive me mad asking the same questions, sometimes for things I am not involved in, such as events for my nephew)

Umm wrong thread?