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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop over night contact completely

26 replies

Mar1984 · 18/12/2017 09:25

So back story me husband broke up earlier this year we are civil for our 2 DS age 7 and 5 and divorce is just about finial. He has set contact 1 day a week as he ‘wanted time to himself’ around work but a couple of weekends a month he will have them overnight 1 night but this is not set in mediation paperwork. I also work full time. He had a girlfriend earlier this year and introduced her to the DC after 6 weeks, I was fuming as felt it was too soon etc and was assured they were serious etc etc and mediation told me on his time there was actually nothing I could do. That relationship broke up after 2 months and he has a new GF of 4 weeks. My dC returned from an overnight stay this weekend to tell me dad has told them not to tell me she has come over and stayed the night.
I am so angry and fell he has them 2 nights a month max he could not have seen her for 1 bloody night and once again he is introducing random people to such little children. This can’t be good for them and then asking them to lie to me is the final straw- AIBU to continue the mediation set 1 day a week visit but refuse any additional overnights despite it being Xmas

OP posts:
IHATEPeppaPig · 18/12/2017 09:32

I feel for you and completely see your point of view but there is nothing you can do with regards to him introducing women, as wrong as it may seem - unless of course you have safeguarding concerns.

I really think it would be unfair to stop overnight contact as he has them so little anyway - can you speak to him about your concerns?

BadPolicy · 18/12/2017 09:35

I understand your frustration, but stopping overnight contact won't stop him introducing them to new women. I think it would just be an act of revenge / punishment. Unless you're actually concerned about their safety overnight YABU.

ZigZagandDustin · 18/12/2017 09:39

Unfortunately this is not something you can or should stop contact for. Though I get why you find it so wrong. He has a right to a private life and to parent how he sees fit (obviously not including abuse or neglect of course). If I were you I'd just focus on communicating well with the kids about these girlfriends. They will soon learn not to take any of them seriously and that daddy 'has girlfriends' that change regularly. They will still get a different experience and way of living from you.

WorraLiberty · 18/12/2017 09:46

Children meet random people all the time. I honestly think getting het up about it, is far more of an adult (particularly resident parent thing).

What are you afraid will happen?

If they lived with him permanently and he was moving people into their actual home, I would say that's very unreasonable.

But introducing him to new girlfriends, isn't really something I'd worry about unless the kids stated specifically that they were unhappy about it. Even if they did, I'd check they hadn't picked that up from me.

Divorcing is tough and picking your battles makes it less exhausting.

RunningOutOfCharge · 18/12/2017 09:52

I agree with everyone else

Original poster
Mar1984 · 18/12/2017 10:00

I just don’t see why they need to spend the night the first time she meets them especially considering he has them so little anyway- he seriously can’t spend one night away from her. He lives in a 1 bedroom flat so 1 DC sleeps on a pull out bed and the other sleeps with his dad but this weekend had to sleep on his own on the sofa and was upset about it

OP posts:
Waterdropsdown · 18/12/2017 10:05

I agree with you OP he needs to grow up. Hardly sees his kids and he can’t keep away from a new GF long enough to spend a night with his children. I hope he sees sense when you discuss this!

CaptainChristmas · 18/12/2017 10:12

Introducing young dcs to gfs he’s been with for 4 - 6 weeks is a completely stupid idea, and he is being a fool.

I’d discuss it with him, but I actually wouldn’t stop overnight contact. It looks retaliatory, although I appreciate it clearly isn’t point scoring on your part. It just seems a step too far, unless you genuinely have safeguarding concerns.

Hellothereitsme · 18/12/2017 10:18

My two children have slept on the sofa at their dad’s one bed flat for years. It isn’t a problem as long as they are being cared for.

You shouldn’t stop contact. I agree with the others above. You are being spiteful.

user1493413286 · 18/12/2017 11:58

I would agree it’s inappropriate but I don’t think it’s a good enough reason to stop overnight contact. It won’t stop them being introduced to new women and if you go down the court route they will say the same thing

Gerbil17 · 18/12/2017 12:05

Unfortunately you dont really have a say in who or when he should introduce to your children.
Same goes if you were to make a new friend, or boyfriend. He has no say.
He can disagree with how you have handled things, but thats about it.

I can see your point, but if you react by refusing overnight contact then it appears that you are doing it because he isnt doing as you say.

Iooselipssinkships · 18/12/2017 12:14

OP has stated that he is getting the children to lie for him, which is the real issue here.

llangennith · 18/12/2017 12:29

He shouldn’t tell the DC to lie to you and his priority should be his kids.
Tell him they weren’t happy about the (separate) sleeping arrangements last time so until he can sort that out they don’t want to stay overnight again.

PleaseDoTellMeAgain · 18/12/2017 12:30

No.
Stopping overnight contact in any circumstances other than your kids safety is just being a power lord.

streetlife70s · 18/12/2017 12:45

The lying to you is the biggest issue. What an awful thing to tell the children to do. What the hell was he thinking?!

I completely understand where you are coming from OP and totally agree with your sentiment. I would share the same concerns.

However, when parents separate one really has no right at all to dictate the parenting of another. You have no more rights over what he does in his time with them than you do in yours. It’s crap, but it is what it is. Of course the exception is abuse or neglect but in every other instance, there really is very little you can say or do (though I would be pulling him up on the lying as that directly affects their relationship with you)

LittleMe03 · 18/12/2017 13:01

I would ask to speak to him to discuss a few things. Firstly I would tell him NEVER to tell my DC that they shouldn't tell me something. I would then say to him that if he wishes to have his gf there when he has his children overnight then he needs to look at getting a couple of air beds or something to make them feel comfortable and welcome.

What I wouldn't do is make any comments on not liking his gf there, he will think you are jealous no matter how you say it.

Also please do not take away the DC's contact time with their dad.

countycouncil · 18/12/2017 13:12

OP most people will agree with you but this series of events is so unbelievably common. All you can do is be the consistent, stable parent who puts them first. Don't waste your energy being furious, you've another 12 years of battles ahead if he's already being a dickhead this early on. I feel for you but focus on your little family and feel smug that you're better than him by a mile.

Blackteadrinker77 · 18/12/2017 13:13

It's bloody hard, sending you a hug x

He is being selfish. Once you calm down could you talk to him? Or arrange to do through mediation. He needs to know that it is unfair to tell the children to lie.
Nothing you can do about his new partner, no matter how many there ends up being.

donners312 · 18/12/2017 13:23

I don't think you are being unreasonable or spiteful but the probe is the bar is set very low with regards to what is acceptable parenting in the court.

Original poster
Mar1984 · 18/12/2017 13:47

I don’t care he has a new GF I just need him to be a parent and put them first. Overnights are not actually part of our agreement as he wouldn’t commit to them so usually it’s a late text that he can have them and I try to move things around and accommodate him. My youngest DS has been saying for weeks he doesn’t want to stay over there only visit as it’s cold and they don’t do anything

OP posts:
Zampa · 18/12/2017 14:04

This is a situation of your own making, OP. If you hadn't kicked off the first time, your ex would have been comfortable about his newest relationship and wouldn't have asked the children to lie.

You have no right to dictate whether or not your children have a relationship with their father. You should be encouraging overnight contact, not preventing it.

LittleMe03 · 18/12/2017 14:25

It doesn't sound as thou he's trying too hard or cares too much about seeing his children Angry

ZigZagandDustin · 18/12/2017 14:32

Unfortunately children don't get to choose their fathers but they are still their fathers nonetheless. OP try and work with what you have as a father for your kids. You did choose him so he must have some redeeming features. It's hard when you split as you both have your own way of doing things and quite honestly some people are a bit lazy or rubbish at raising kids and making sure all is fine well for them but that doesn't mean they have nothing to offer so I'd try to focus on that where it's humanly possible.

SarahH12 · 18/12/2017 14:34

OP as frustrating as this situation must be for you, you can't stop contact just because you don't like the way he's acting. It sucks but from a legal perspective, it really is nothing to do with you unless he's being abusive or neglectful (which he's not).

Trinity66 · 18/12/2017 14:38

More than anything else this jumped out at me

He has set contact 1 day a week as he ‘wanted time to himself’

Isn't that nice for him Hmm