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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for hand hold

27 replies

AmiU · 17/12/2017 23:05

I've posted about my situation once before but I'm in a very tricky place. I'm a SAHM mum from another country with an awful DH and realistically no options for leaving.

I can't talk to anyone in real life for support but I'm so upset today.

My Dh and I were speaking to my sister on Skype this morning and he decided he didn't like her tone and told her to 'fuck off'. The whole day has now been an ordeal of screaming, shouting, threatening etc.

He pulled down entire cupboards and tipped out all the contents for me to clean. Has taken my passport and keeps threatening to tear it up. We're going away on Tuesday and he unzipped the packed suitcases and dumped everything on the floor, and told me to repackage it.

Now he keeps yelling at me to call up and yell at my sister, or else he will.

I have two little DC to consider and absolutely nowhere to go.

I know you'll all tell me to stand up for myself but I just have to tell someone sometimes.

OP posts:

Monoblock67 · 17/12/2017 23:12

Can you reveal which county you’re in OP so we can help find you organisations who can help you and your DC?

Your husband is vile and abusive and you need to leave ASAP, I know you’ve said it’s not possible and I’m not trivialising that, but we’ll help you where we can.

Moonyroony · 17/12/2017 23:29

Oh god, how awful for you. I know you may feel you can't leave but at some point in the future you will have to leave but that day has yet to come & I wish you great strength in living in the nightmare you are in at the moment. Please look after yourself

CarefullyAirbrushedPotato · 17/12/2017 23:29

Do you have recourse to public funds?
Even if you don't there are ways.
There's definitely hope OP

Blink1982 · 17/12/2017 23:31

OP. He's a nob and you know it. No one should have to live that way. Where are you?

Emmageddon · 17/12/2017 23:34

Repack a suitcase for you and your DC and grab your passports
Then go to your sister's. She obviously knows what your DH is like. Just get away from him.

Original poster

AmiU · 17/12/2017 23:36

Sorry, I worded that incorrectly.

I'm in the UK but both DH and I are from another country, one where it's just culturally very unacceptable for me to leave.

I know I'll have to work up the strength one day, I hate myself more every time I put up with him, but I just can't see how atm.

OP posts:

BulletFox · 17/12/2017 23:38

Pretend for tonight, get passports back, get out but wait until it's safe.

Sorry you're going through this.

PurplePillowCase · 17/12/2017 23:38

you are in the uk, so uk law applies.

condepetie · 17/12/2017 23:42

Please be safe. You have to get away from him but you get to choose how and when. Just look after yourself and your children.

LockJawTrouble · 17/12/2017 23:42

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Stand back & think about the situation. Try to think as if you were advising a friend in the same situation. What would you say?
Why can't you leave? Are you financially dependant?

RestingGrinchFace · 17/12/2017 23:47

Get ready to leave. Try to save up enough money for a few months rent keep extra from groceries or sell stuff, maybe try to find a job if he will let you or look for a way to make some money from home. Keep a meticulous record of everything he does to you and your children. Get yourself in a position where you are able to leave and then go.

BulletFox · 17/12/2017 23:48

I PM'd you, OP, but if it's what I think it is I do knpw an organisation

Fortheloveofdog · 17/12/2017 23:49

It used to be culturally unacceptable in the uk to leave, but women have changed that here. Please think about taking the support that is available here and leave the bastard, do it for your children.
Is it really best for them to stay with this man? You can leave, you can be safe, you can be happy.
Be cautious and don’t let him know. Women’s aid can help you.

LockJawTrouble · 17/12/2017 23:50

Sorry posted too soon. I had a friend who went through similar thing for a long time. One day she flipped & decided enough is enough. She made call to various organisations Women's Aid, Citizens Advice etc to figure out her rights & claim. Told her husband & guess what ? He changed over night & started behaving nicer.
He is taking advantage because you haven't probably stood up for your self & there are no repercussion for his behaviour & he knows that.

CremeFresh · 17/12/2017 23:50

Could you contact Women's Aid ? They will help you .

1happyhippie · 17/12/2017 23:51

Awful op! No one should have to live with that.
I am sure you feel you can't leave, but if you list your reasons why, I'm sure we can help you find solutions.
You know this can't continue and reaching out is the first big step. Do you have anyone who you trust enough to help you get out?

Original poster

AmiU · 17/12/2017 23:51

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I absolutely hate myself for staying. I'm too ashamed to talk to anyone about it, but it MN has already helped me beyond measure by reassuring me that this is not normal.

OP posts:

LeaveAllThisToYesterday · 17/12/2017 23:52

OP this is such

Mxyzptlk · 17/12/2017 23:54

Call Women's Aid for advice on whether there is financial help and how to get somewhere to stay.

Pretend until you can get your and DC's passports. Then leave when your husband isn't there.

BulletFox · 17/12/2017 23:56

AmiU don't hate yourself, you got worn down.

Just stay safe for the time being and dial 999 if he becomes violent. Playact in the meantime before you've figured out where to jump

gobster · 18/12/2017 00:33

OP if you are in the UK there are numerous organisations here to help!

No one should be allowed to treat you like shit or allow your children to witness it

Seek help now before it’s too late!

AgathaMystery · 18/12/2017 00:36

Please don't leave the U.K. with this man and your children, please. Even if it means you have to take the children to the loo in the airport and then ask someone to get you a security guard.

I feel you are safer in the U.K. than where you may be going.

AddictedtoAIBU · 18/12/2017 00:41

That is awful, I am sending you all of my positive thoughts and love.
Can you reveal the part of the UK you are in? Womens Aid have refuges all over the UK. Could this be an option?

WeirdAndPissedOff · 18/12/2017 00:48

Agatha has a point - you don't have to tell us, but have a think about where you are going and why? Do you think you will be safe? Is there any chance your children could be separated from you?
Do not stand up to him in any way if possible - play along nicely unless you have no other choice, but try to speak to someone for advice if possible.

condepetie · 18/12/2017 01:10

Don't hate yourself and please, please don't be ashamed. I know it's not in your culture to leave, but you're suffering, and so are your children. You need to look after yourself. There will be resources in your area for women like you leaving an abusive relationship.

Please don't worry about what your family, his family, his friends will think about you. If he's dangerous, you can get away from him.

Most of all, you do not need to be ashamed. A lot of people have gone through the same thing, even just mums at the school gates. If you need support in person, please don't be ashamed to talk to your friends here, or just the people you say hello to now and then. There's no shame in wanting to leave.

Good luck. If you're in Hampshire, you can PM me - I know some good resources for women struggling to leave abusive relationships. Best of luck.

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