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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with my friends

49 replies

LoveSchoolHolidays · 17/12/2017 19:51

I was 40 at the beginning of the month and 2 of my best friends didn't acknowledge it beyond sending me a text message. I am the oldest of our group, the rest will be turning 40 early next year.

I have no family in this country but I have 3 really close friends, which I have always felt made up for it. We've known each other for 29 years and spend a lot of time together and with our families.

My husband and I seperated this year and my mum and I had a massive falling out during the summer which has meant my friends were the only ones that I was expecting anything from (as in birthday cheer, not gifts). Each of them has some stuff going on too and we are all mutually supportive and will drop everything to be there for any of the others, at anytime.

They knew it was my birthday, one (A) took me out to dinner and it was so appreciated. I took her out for dinner on her birthday and we will often go out just the two of us.

One of them (B) has a small, very demanding baby, but she could've visited me anytime on or near my birthday for a cup of tea just to see me (we live 10 minutes apart and she passes my house every day taking her kids to school). For her birthday, I organised for us all to go to Fortnum & Masons for afternoon tea and I paid for her.

The third one (C) is in retail so I knew she would be working weekends. She has at least one day off a week and I was expecting us to go out to lunch. I asked when she would be free and, although she said she would let me know, she didn't. Instead, she visited me last week to drop off some (very impersonal) smellies. During conversation she told me that she hadn't work the previous Sunday as her kids had a birthday part so she took the day off to take them. For her birthday I took her out for a very boozy lunch.

I haven't really spoken to B or C as I am so upset. I have other friends, it's not that these are my only friends. I did not tell any of my other friends about my birthday as I didn't want a fuss but I did expect some recognition from my oldest, dearest friends.

I don't want to see or speak to them and C wants to have a party for her 40th but I don't think I will be able to attend without getting upset. I do feel petty. Can our friendship get past this, especially when they have no idea how upset I am. I cried solidly for two days.

I dont think I can tell them, and why should I have to?

AIBU?

OP posts:
foodfrax · 17/12/2017 20:24

Sorry yes I think you’re being ridiculous. They all acknowledged your birthday?

sooperdooper · 17/12/2017 20:28

If you want to do a thing for your birthday when you're an adult you need to organise it imo - why didn't you ask them to go out/come round for a party/whatever you wanted to do?

That's what your friend who wants to have a party is doing!

Original poster
LoveSchoolHolidays · 17/12/2017 20:35

That's exactly why I'm not upset with my other friends, because you can't be upset with people who don't know.

Maybe I do need to grow up a bit!

OP posts:
Appuskidu · 17/12/2017 20:38

I don't want to see or speak to them and C wants to have a party for her 40th but I don't think I will be able to attend without getting upset.

That is ridiculous. If you want a party, you need to organise one!

SeaCabbage · 17/12/2017 20:40

I think it can be very difficult when such pressure and expectations are put on friends in this way. It is very sad that your family are not there for you but I also think it is unfair to then pass the expectations onto others.

Your friends have their own lives nad complications.

As a PP said it might be best if you arranged something if you have specific desires and feelings. Then you will get what you want.

With regard to C, if she wants a party presumably she will arrange it. And yes, do go. Just don't get caught up with the work of arranging it.

I hope things look up for you soon.

RainbowPastel · 17/12/2017 20:41

You sound extremely needy. Crying for two days over a birthday? You need some hobbies by the sound of it.

GingerbreadMa · 17/12/2017 20:42

You didn't invite them to a party so they didn't show up in their party frocks with bells on. If course they didnt, if you want a do you throw one you're not 6!

wednesdayswench · 17/12/2017 20:44

Birthdays obviously mean a lot more to you than to them.

They all acknowledged your birthday, you could have arranged a night out or lunch out or something if it meant that much to you.

Instead you didn't say much and waited for them to fail.

You really mustn't let this affect your friendships, I really don't think they've done anything wrong.

LizzieSiddal · 17/12/2017 20:46

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. You have organised lovely things for them and they couldn't be bothered to do more than the bare minimum for you.

They must also know you've separated and fallen out with your mum? Plus it's your40th. They should have gone the extra mile for you. Flowers

user1493413286 · 17/12/2017 20:53

I’d be upset too, you made an effort for their birthdays and they could have gone to more effort or asked how you’d like to celebrate it if they weren’t sure

mumgointhroughtorture · 17/12/2017 20:54

Maybe you need to treat them the same way and give them back just texts on their special day and a crap smellies present for the one who did it to you.

People don't see their own behaviour just what other people do . Don't make extra effort if they can't for you.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 17/12/2017 20:54

You'll get people telling you that parties are for kids and birthdays are crap etc but I think YANBU I'd be upset at not even having a night out organised! What crap mates

pollysproggle · 17/12/2017 20:59

I don't think you sound needy at all. I'd be upset too especially for a big milestone birthday.
Saying that in my friends group we tend to organise our own birthday events or at least put the message out that we want to do something.

Happy 40th birthday btw- I bet you don't look a day over 30 😀

DorisDangleberry · 17/12/2017 21:00

Blimey I can barely remember my own birthday. If you want to make a big deal about your birthday, then organise something. But why play the victim? It just one day out of many, and frankly most people don't give a shit about other people's birthdays.

IrenetheQuaint · 17/12/2017 21:00

It's great that you're such a lovely and supportive friend, but I think you are expecting a bit much. Friend B has a small and demanding baby (so is presumably sleep-deprived and feels like death) and Friend C has children and a busy job in retail... she is probably rushed off her feet. Plus maybe they are not as bothered about birthdays as you are? I'd cut them some slack.

GingerbreadMa · 17/12/2017 21:00

"You'll get people telling you that parties are for kids and birthdays are crap etc"also
No, parties are for people who appear to want to party!
not for people who act like they aren't bothered but get butt hurt when others follow thier lead/cues

There are always people in friendship groups who genuinely don't want / like to be the birthday girl/boy yet are happy going to/organising other people's parties. Your friend group sounds great. I think they were just fo!lowing your lead and you acted like you didn't want a fuss.

Original poster
LoveSchoolHolidays · 17/12/2017 21:01

We had been planning on going to New York, I have been saving airmiles for years and have enough for all 4 of us to go business class one way. This discussion was at the beginning of the year but B had a baby so we postponed it. We then had plans to go to a really expensive restaurant but couldn't because C couldn't get weekends off in the run up to Christmas, or so I'd been told.

They all knew I wanted to do something special, it's not that we didn't do something special, it's the sense of thoughtlessness.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 17/12/2017 21:05

Everyone is busy and you are the only one to attach such importance to birthdays. It's understandable that you expect the same in return, but you mate's don't care as much as you about birthdays. Stop making the effort, they sound too busy to be organizing major events. Do you not have DC?

GingerbreadMa · 17/12/2017 21:07

So there's going to be a big trip or do at some point? But you wanted a fuss on the day too?I

Was "or so I've been told" @ the friend who works in retail (just before Christmas)?

Liara · 17/12/2017 21:13

Sorry but you sound like a really hard work friend.

You yourself give perfectly valid reasons why both of them were too busy to do anything more than an acknowledgement, which they both did.

Being a friend involves a bit more empathy than you are showing. Crying for two days is just ridiculous.

GingerbreadMa · 17/12/2017 21:15

Why not plan something that people have half a chance of actually being able to say yes to? Like a nice rented cottage in Jan somewhere lovely, Maybe Mid week. Baby & Retail Friendly?

If You desperately Wanna Plan Something Parent/retail Worker Unfriendly You may need to go alone

Ceto · 17/12/2017 21:18

Once I'd left university the most my friends and I did in respect of birthdays was to send cards unless someone was specifically throwing a party. It does rather seem as if you're expecting your friends to fill the sort of role that your family would have done in other circumstances, and I don't think that's fair on them.

GingerbreadMa · 17/12/2017 21:20

You could always go solo to NY anyway then do something a bit more manageable with your friends?

vwlphb · 17/12/2017 21:21

Crying for two solid days about anything except the death of a loved one is BU, but VVVU because you've got your nose out of joint because your mates didn't carry on about your birthday enough.

One took you out to dinner, one brought you a present (which you've deemed substandard) and one with a very demanding baby remembered you and sent a message.

I would regard that as an outstanding effort if it were my three closest friends. Perhaps I am just not hard enough on people.

christmaspudding1 · 17/12/2017 21:23

people seem in general to be more self centered these days

yanbu

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