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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset with my friends

49 replies

LoveSchoolHolidays · 17/12/2017 19:51

I was 40 at the beginning of the month and 2 of my best friends didn't acknowledge it beyond sending me a text message. I am the oldest of our group, the rest will be turning 40 early next year.

I have no family in this country but I have 3 really close friends, which I have always felt made up for it. We've known each other for 29 years and spend a lot of time together and with our families.

My husband and I seperated this year and my mum and I had a massive falling out during the summer which has meant my friends were the only ones that I was expecting anything from (as in birthday cheer, not gifts). Each of them has some stuff going on too and we are all mutually supportive and will drop everything to be there for any of the others, at anytime.

They knew it was my birthday, one (A) took me out to dinner and it was so appreciated. I took her out for dinner on her birthday and we will often go out just the two of us.

One of them (B) has a small, very demanding baby, but she could've visited me anytime on or near my birthday for a cup of tea just to see me (we live 10 minutes apart and she passes my house every day taking her kids to school). For her birthday, I organised for us all to go to Fortnum & Masons for afternoon tea and I paid for her.

The third one (C) is in retail so I knew she would be working weekends. She has at least one day off a week and I was expecting us to go out to lunch. I asked when she would be free and, although she said she would let me know, she didn't. Instead, she visited me last week to drop off some (very impersonal) smellies. During conversation she told me that she hadn't work the previous Sunday as her kids had a birthday part so she took the day off to take them. For her birthday I took her out for a very boozy lunch.

I haven't really spoken to B or C as I am so upset. I have other friends, it's not that these are my only friends. I did not tell any of my other friends about my birthday as I didn't want a fuss but I did expect some recognition from my oldest, dearest friends.

I don't want to see or speak to them and C wants to have a party for her 40th but I don't think I will be able to attend without getting upset. I do feel petty. Can our friendship get past this, especially when they have no idea how upset I am. I cried solidly for two days.

I dont think I can tell them, and why should I have to?

AIBU?

OP posts:

letsdolunch321 · 17/12/2017 21:24

You have to realise in life, friends/family will let ypu down. The only person you can count on is yourself.

Be the bigger person, if you want to do a meal arrange it for Jan/feb when most peeps diaries will probably be empty.

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2017 21:24

How many of you missed (or ignored): My husband and I separated this year and my mum and I had a massive falling out during the summer which has meant my friends were the only ones that I was expecting anything from (as in birthday cheer, not gifts)

I would expect such long-standing friends to rally round such a 'big' birthday, even without the above having happened. And I can see why organising a big party is possibly something the OP wasn't up for doing.

I think they were unkind and thoughtless.

Does A have an opinion?

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2017 21:25

Crying for two solid days about anything except the death of a loved one is BU,

No it's not. I've been crying for two days over something which is not a death. But very important to me.

cuddlymunchkin · 17/12/2017 21:27

I know how hard it must be after a big break up and a family fall out and you are totally right to feel upset that although your friends are there for you they aren't the support you hoped for. Appreciate them for who they are and what they can offer, even though it's more limited than you would hope for or expect.

Doublevodka · 17/12/2017 21:35

I completely understand why you are upset. I realise that some people are more thoughtful than others, but the fact that you make such an effort for your friends, it's a shame that they didn't make a little more effort for your 40th. It is difficult to commit to friendships when you have children, but even if they said they are really busy but would arrange something to mark the occasion at a later date would be nice. You are not being petty. They have hurt your feelings. You probably need to be honest with them about how you feel, or it will eat away at you.

daisychain01 · 17/12/2017 21:37

I'm not minimising your feelings, it sounds like your friends matter a lot to you but crying solidly for 2 days at the age of 40yo sounds like you have allowed everything to grow out of all proportion inside your head.

KimmySchmidt1 · 17/12/2017 21:38

If I want people to celebrate my birthday I always invite them to it.

If you need your friends, be careful not to be high maintenance.

lilybetsy · 17/12/2017 21:39

That you cried “solidly for 2 days” suggests to me that you are feeling really fragile ... probably about your marriage and your relationship with you mum. I think you have over reacted somewhat, tho’i canunderstand why..

Maybe look for some counselling to talk stuff through ?

RandomMess · 17/12/2017 21:39

It really hurts when you realise that friends whom mean very much to you, do not actually value you in the same way. You can rationally accept they have DC/partners/families etc but it REALLY hurts

lonelymelissa · 17/12/2017 21:39

Sorry, I think you are being unreasonable.

I am sure you did not intend it this way but it comes across you expected them to reciprocate the lovely things you did for them. When of course the real reason you were generous to them was just that you wanted to be, no expectation that you would get the same back. I understand that to a degree, but I know with my closest friends we do not always remember birthdays. And to me it does not really matter (okay so I am not big on birthdays anyway). During the years of friendship sometimes one person does more in material terms than another, a few years later it might be the opposite, we might go out of contact for a month or so, but again it does not matter. I guess it all depends on the rest of our lives, what we have going on. the state of our finances, lots of things. I would never be offended (and most do forget) but equally I know they would not be offended with me either.

Is perhaps the fact you cried for two days maybe not really to do with your friends, but maybe because of the other things you have had to deal with recently? Maybe at another time missing your birthday would not be as important? Just a thought.

Having said all that, I understand a little. My mum died a few weeks ago and I am finding it quite difficult to get past the people that did not attend her funeral, especially people that she had been so good and close to. So I am no saint when it comes to feeling being let down.

But if you are truly close friends then talk about it , and in time you will laugh about it too. x

GingerbreadMa · 17/12/2017 21:42

They did make an effort though.
I think taking her out for a meal and popping round a gift WAS thoughtful
The OP however seems to want nothing less than reinactments of the earlier SATC seasons.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 17/12/2017 21:46

Nothing is set in stone OP, you've shed your tears, now pull up your big girl pants, and crack on.
Is there any reason that you can't jet off somewhere lovely with friend 'A' ?
Remember 40 is very young in this day and age, when you're fifty, really push the boat out ! 😄💐

MadMags · 17/12/2017 21:47

In fairness, they did make an effort. But you’ve deemed it not good enough.

mummmy2017 · 17/12/2017 21:47

It seems your always the one to organise the big gestures.
While yes they are a lovely thing to do, it's very clear this is Your thing not your friends.
You expected them to do it BECAUSE you do, how is that fair. do you do it as a gift to them because you care about them or because your hoping to get it back in return. The trip with Buisness Class and the fact your saving air miles, sounds like something you think is a good plan, and your friends have agreed because you yet again want to do it.
Maybe you should plan treats for yourself, and then you won't be disappointed, why people arn't as creative with ideas, as yourself.

SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 17/12/2017 21:51

Ynbu to be upset, but crying for 2 days?

Is it that turning 40 has upset you and your friends behaviour is the final nail in the coffin so to speak?

GingerbreadMa · 17/12/2017 22:06

Is there a chance that the "big" things you organise for them is more your thing than theirs? Which is fine if it is, but that doesn't make your gifts/outtings more thoughtful than their lower key ones are

GoReylo · 17/12/2017 22:10

People get caught up in their own stuff. If they knew A had taken you out for a meal, maybe they thought that was your birthday honoured?

Do you arrange something for your friends' birthday celebrations every year? If not and maybe you've been more focused on them this year because of your marriage, then you need to step back and see that it was just a normal year for them. On the other hand, if this has made you see that you invest more in some friends than you get back, then it might not be a bad thing to pull back a little bit so they stop taking you for granted.

DoItAgainBob · 17/12/2017 22:35

Sorry you're feeling low. Big birthdays can be a bit like that. I do think it's your life circumstances colouring things for you. Counselling might help as it sounds like you've been through a lot this year.

Whilst trips to NY and posh restaurants sound great, your friends may not be in the place to do that stuff at the moment. Sounds like life is busy for them right now with their DC's. It must be tough for C to work weekends with small children, I would imagine she wants to be around for them more so perfectly reasonable to use her day off to take them somewhere. B has a demanding baby - are you supportive given she lives so close by? I'm sure dinners and weekends away are the last thing she's capable of at the moment.

DoItAgainBob · 17/12/2017 22:36

I think you need to adjust your expectations a bit or look to other friends that are generally more available.

dontbesillyhenry · 17/12/2017 22:43

I think it's prob the straw that broke the camels back. Sorry you've had such a shit time. I had a very difficult baby a couple of years back and everything went by the wayside. I tried to make friends feel loved in other ways but sometimes things get in the way and our heads get full. I think a culmination of things recently have just made you feel unimportant. You aren't x

CommanderDaisy · 17/12/2017 23:07

I think you are being unreasonable, though you are justifiably fragile.

You describe having a mental score card running in your head. What you did vs what they haven't, and that is not a good way to work. I don't expect my friends to keep tally of who called last, who did what last , whose gesture was sufficient etc. You are spending too much time reviewing their lives, where they had free time and what you think they should be doing.

Perhaps you are making them uncomfortable with the value of the outings,gifts etc you arrange and they are sensing they are supposed to be grateful for it and perform accordingly. Maybe they are giving you what they can?

To not contact them, or go to their events without telling them you feel upset seems petty. I would be very taken aback if one of my long time friends wanted to bin a relationship because I didn't make a sufficient ( in their eyes ) song and dance for their birthday. I'd also be stunnned and really uncomfortable hearing about the crying for two days, and the way you are seeing the friendship in terms of reciprocation for time and gifts given and money spent.

I think you might need to talk through your past year with a counsellor, and let this type of thinking go. You have had a bastard of a year, and understandably are thinking alot about yourself and your relationships. But you will lose these friends who you obviously value if you continue on this path.

RadioGaGoo · 17/12/2017 23:39

Sounds like your friends are bothered about birthdays when it's them being treated to afternoon tea and boozy lunches. Also, organising a party for yourself would alto suggest that they want to be made a fuss of, so I think at least one of them is exactly the same as the OP.

You know how to reciprocate their 40th birthdays now, don't you.

RestingGrinchFace · 17/12/2017 23:42

YABVU. B clearly has a lot on-she has a baby plus other children-you can't always just drop by for tea if you have a baby and C couldn't do anything because she had to take her children to a party.

vwlphb · 17/12/2017 23:59

How many of you missed (or ignored): My husband and I separated this year and my mum and I had a massive falling out during the summer which has meant my friends were the only ones that I was expecting anything from

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