AIBU to feel like the bottom of everyone's pile??

[CalpolandCokeplease]

NC but a regular.

So, there's just so much to this that if I typed it all out I'd definitely give myself away! So I'll try and give you an idea.

Sister lives next door to mum and dad. She's divorced with a child, working full time. Sister-in-law lives 10 minutes from in laws and her family. She has two kids and husband. She works part-time but her husband works full time.

We live about 30-45 mins from both sides of the family. We have three kids. All I'll this weekend. I phone MIL to explain that we won't see her today as planned as all the kids are unwell and don't want to pass the germs on. Explained about kids being ill and she automatically assumed that I'll be taking a day off work tomorrow if necessary. I said that DH might and she was like "well he can't as he hasn't got anymore time left to take." So that has pissed me off. Why is my job less important? I'm a teacher so don't get flexi-timr! DH spoke to her about possibly helping out with childcare this week in case kids are poorly still and each day the in laws are basically doing something for SIL and their kids, either baby sitting, running them to school/clubs. Spoke to my parents and very similiar. They are ferrying sister's kids to a nativity then some party. We never ever ask our parents to help with childcare. My kids have been looked after 5 times in total by both sets of grandparents and the eldest is 6!! SIL and sister on the other hand, kids might as well fucking live there.

I'm so tired dealing with three poorly kids, husband who works long hours, tiring job. AIBU to want someone to simply ask how I'm feeling? How my week has been? Can we pop over and give you a couple of hours off? Nope. Never happens. I started a new role last week. Not one member of my family or in laws has asked about it.

Just feel like I'm at the bottom of everyone's fucking pile. I ask my mum why she's not phoned and I get "I don't like to disturb!" WTAF?!? Disturb away please. I need a bloody distraction!

I get that we live further away. I get that my sister is divorced and parenting alone. I get that SIL has her issues and has a very busy life and needs help. But I just don't feel like I, or we, are ever put first. My dad once said that cos he knows I'm independent and have always just got on with things, that I'm fine. And i guess I am in general. But every so often it'd be nice for MIL to ask about my job. She went on today for about 15 minutes about a neighbour 's ill pet dog and a pair of trousers she had to take back to the fucking shops.

Yep, I totally understand the whole giving off the air of coping thing. Reciprocal arrangements with friends are really hard I find. Virtually everyone I know has some kind of family help so simply don't need the kind of help I do. Those that might appreciate it are so busy they simply don't have the time to reciprocate.

Thanks for your replies. In reply to one poster, I do give back to my parents, in laws, sister. Oh boy do I give back. SIL started new job few weeks back - flowers of good luck sent, MIL under the weather - went round with her favourite biscuits. I phone them all at least every other day. I left it a few weeks back, to see how long it'd take for them to call or get in touch. I caved in in the end after 4 days and called. Mum's reply was "we knew you had a lot on." So yes, I definitely do my fair share. I don't play the martyr cos I don't have the time!!

Same swirling. That's why I'm now paying out half my wages on childminders! Soul destroying isn't it

Fair enough!

We are the exact same, we live 5 mins from my parents, pil and bil&sil. Pil hardly contact us, contact regarding kids, ask us to dinner, and so on...

We have stopped visiting as much now due to this and bil wife as she's a bad egg and caused a lot of trouble. Pil will bend over backwards for them, scared to upset bil wife in case she leaves with their grandchild.

On,y time they arrive or call now is if they need something or help with something.

Very sad that it's came to this.

Totally get this and feeling sorry for myself about it tonight.
Given up asking for occasional night of babysitting, other sisters are more worthy than me. Given up being so helpful back too but they don't notice. They don't notice anything about me.
I asked if we could catch up for lunch this week and DM said "oh, I'll see you on Saturday" at the family Christmas party that I'm hosting because I wouldn't get to see them otherwise. Yet, I know she is catching up with my other sister's throughout the week and they will be at the party too I'm just tired and grumpy today. It's the same all year round, nothing new.

The thing is Coyotea, it's not the regular childcare that can be provided by child minders etc and can be paid for that I would like, it's the occasional couple of hours off, knowing that there is someone we can call on to take one dc if the other needs to go to a and e.

Agree some people need to be needed but I never got over my mum refusing to look after my Dc (8 and 6) for a weekend to let me and DH attend a special occasion. I’d never asked for any help before and when she refused, I mentioned all the years she’d spent looking after my nephew to help out my single parent sis, even taking him on holiday or having him to stay regularly to give her a break. She said she didn’t know my kids so well (she saw them a lot more than PIL who would drop everything to have them), and wasn’t confident with them. It broke my heart but I didn’t show it and it was never mentioned again.

Now Mum is very old and needs help. I phone her regularly and visit every few weeks but Sis is nearest , 10 mins away (I am about an hour away) so most of the responsibility falls on her and nephew. Mum often makes PA comments to me about how exhausted my sis looks, running around after her. The first time she did this I said I was sure sis was glad to be able to repay all the help she had given her over the last 30 years, so not to worry. She lost her temper with me and ordered me never to say that to my sis - which I never have or would. Now every time mum comments on how much sis does and how tired she looks, I just say, like a stuck record, “Im sure she’s happy to help out,” and change the subject.

You reap what you sow in life.

We've had no help from parents for years . Three out of four grandparents are dead. It's been very hard bringing ip four kids without a night off in ten years.

Yabu to have 'bottom' and 'pile' in your post title .

An annoying episode tonight that has made me NEED to post on here once more! Again, it is of no use to you OP but it's another 'I hear you' example.

Drove parents for a night out together (work opposite hours so not much time together). Dropped them off at 4:30 for dinner and a film then agreed to pick them up after. Text at 10:30 to say they'd be ready in an hour but want a kebab. I said no but I'll take you to McDonald's so we can use the drive through. I also have a 14 week old baby in the car so no time for pissing about. Even though they kept me waiting in the car 20 mins while they finished their drinks.

Got to McD's... I ordered something for me and DH and naturally mum has texted my brother (who is home for xmas) to ask for his order. Dad immediately says "Do I have to pay for all of this!?" angrily to which mum replies "Of course not- just me you and [DB]".

So not me then? Me who has driven from my house to theirs to pick them up to drive them to town (we're way out in the sticks) to drive them back then me, my DH and DD back home. No offer to pay for my sodding food despite saving them £30 in taxi fares!

This is just one more example in the long history of bottom-of-the-piledom.

Sorry. Rant over.

Hollowtree you should have told them all to get out the car!
That's disgusting, maybe make 2018 the year you start to say no to them.

God it's shit isn't it!?

I wasn't feeling 'bottom of the pile' til I read this thread

Now I do!!

Another bottom of the pile here, 2 examples,

1st example

Many years ago was going to be homeless with my 2yr old ds, begged df for help, asked if he could put me up for a couple of months while council found me temp accommodation, was told a flat no, so ended up in a tatty b&b about 5 towns away

10 years or so later a dsis of mine was in a similar situation, no dc tho, yet when she asked for help she was given it without even having to beg, df & sm put her and her boyfriend up for 6 months!

2nd example

Was blue lighted to a&e with severe chest pains, in agony & obviously scared, once i was able i let my df know what was happening & asked him to visit me in hospital, got text from sm to say he couldn't visit me as my youngest dsis (i have 3 in total) needed to go to guides

Your not alone op

You are tired and stressed and that is understandable but your parents and ILs had already made commitments to your sister/sister in law. I don't think they can just suddenly let them down. Maybe you should think about planning some help to give you a break, won't help with sickness but might make you feel better.

Right OP I'm not going to disagree with you BUT I have a sister in law with 2 kids who would probably feel the same as you. They never invite anyone over and always say we're out little unit and we are happy together blag blah blah BUT then in the next breath they never ever visit anyone, moan that no one comes over (but will never invite anyone) is a very cheeky fucker who expects EVERYTHING but does nothing in return and makes a massive deal if you don't see their kids specifically on the exact day of their birthdays and Christmas etc but then never comes to see our DD. It's so odd they have such a weird skewed view of everything. I'm not saying this is you I'm just saying take a step back and think about how you approach both sets of parents, do you book stuff ahead with them? Do you ask them to come over/babysit? Do you phone them in the evenings so they would know it's ok then to phone you at that time? Do you make small talk so she doesn't have to fill the call with nonsense? You can't say "I never ask my parents to babysit" then complain that your sister has and therefore their time is taken up? They might really want to be more involved with you and your kids but maybe they don't feel you want them to be? Please take a step back before you wallow in the "I'm bottom of the pile" mentality, because my SIL will never ever do this and it's really sad and frustrating.

I came on here to say that I bet you’re the one who always makes contact too and I see from your update that you do.
They’re used to not having to work for anything for you as you’re always the one doing the work.
Leave it longer than 4 days and see what happens. In fact, just leave it til someone contacts you.

Thank you tinsel I thought I was just being an old moan but actually it is bloody annoying isn't it!?

You're so right about 2018...

MrTrebus and granny - you are both wrong. I do make lots of contact, go more than out of my way and ask for favours. I asked whether in laws could help today for an hour or so and just got "well we've got to do something for so and so (SIL) and then we're picking up nephew from somewhere. We would ask more in advance but the sister and the sister-in-law literally monopolise all the time. For example, my parents take and pick up sister's kids every, single fucking day of the week. They also had them stay over on Saturday night while my sister went out. Sister collects them at 5-6 ish and kids will generally be fed so no need to sort tea out. Sister-in-law uses in laws three times a week and at least once at weekend. Sister-in-law 's granny does her ironing too!

LiveLife, totally gonna leave it now. MIL knows kids are ill so let's see how long it takes her.

Hi granny, just wanted to add, I'm not asking for SIL or sister to be let down. Just asking for a small window in everyone else's bloody schedule. We don't get a look in. Invited parents round at weekend and they couldn't cos sister's kids were sleeping over.

Normally, I’d say it’s a matter of give and take, but it sounds like you make a huge effort which isn’t reciprocated op.

I used to make such an effort with ILs, but I’ve stopped bothering with some of them. PILs are lovely, but they spend a lot of time with toxic bil family, who I’d rather not be within 100 paces of if I can help it! So it means we see PILs less than we’d like, but there we are. I imagine toxic bil’s family will therefore be the ones doing the lions share of care for PILs when they’re elderly too, as they see them so much now. It’s a two way street.

We don't get a look in. Invited parents round at weekend and they couldn't cos sister's kids were sleeping over.

This is so familiar. It’s funny, because I wonder now if toxic bil family think the same of me as @MrTrebus does of his sil. No, I don’t make much effort now. But that’s because it’s never been reciprocated .

CalpoleandCoke, I didn't say you don't make an effort but if you invite them round and they already have commitments what do you think they should do? I know you can't plan sickness but inviting them round for meal could be planned in advance. Could you have extended invite to your sister's children? That is what would happen in my family.

I suppose you could test this by saying something like, "We would like you to come round for a meal in the New Year, which weekend would suit you." If they turn you down then you have your answer but if they say we have commitments on the first 3 but would love to come round on the 4th then you know it is just a planning matter.

I think you need to open up to them about how you feel. Your opening post says a lot, but you may want to be tactful in how you deliver.

From my own experience, I can say "it is far better to be the bottom of the pile, that a pile on someone's bottom."

Think of it that way.