AIBU to feel like the bottom of everyone's pile??

[CalpolandCokeplease]

NC but a regular.

So, there's just so much to this that if I typed it all out I'd definitely give myself away! So I'll try and give you an idea.

Sister lives next door to mum and dad. She's divorced with a child, working full time. Sister-in-law lives 10 minutes from in laws and her family. She has two kids and husband. She works part-time but her husband works full time.

We live about 30-45 mins from both sides of the family. We have three kids. All I'll this weekend. I phone MIL to explain that we won't see her today as planned as all the kids are unwell and don't want to pass the germs on. Explained about kids being ill and she automatically assumed that I'll be taking a day off work tomorrow if necessary. I said that DH might and she was like "well he can't as he hasn't got anymore time left to take." So that has pissed me off. Why is my job less important? I'm a teacher so don't get flexi-timr! DH spoke to her about possibly helping out with childcare this week in case kids are poorly still and each day the in laws are basically doing something for SIL and their kids, either baby sitting, running them to school/clubs. Spoke to my parents and very similiar. They are ferrying sister's kids to a nativity then some party. We never ever ask our parents to help with childcare. My kids have been looked after 5 times in total by both sets of grandparents and the eldest is 6!! SIL and sister on the other hand, kids might as well fucking live there.

I'm so tired dealing with three poorly kids, husband who works long hours, tiring job. AIBU to want someone to simply ask how I'm feeling? How my week has been? Can we pop over and give you a couple of hours off? Nope. Never happens. I started a new role last week. Not one member of my family or in laws has asked about it.

Just feel like I'm at the bottom of everyone's fucking pile. I ask my mum why she's not phoned and I get "I don't like to disturb!" WTAF?!? Disturb away please. I need a bloody distraction!

I get that we live further away. I get that my sister is divorced and parenting alone. I get that SIL has her issues and has a very busy life and needs help. But I just don't feel like I, or we, are ever put first. My dad once said that cos he knows I'm independent and have always just got on with things, that I'm fine. And i guess I am in general. But every so often it'd be nice for MIL to ask about my job. She went on today for about 15 minutes about a neighbour 's ill pet dog and a pair of trousers she had to take back to the fucking shops.

[CalpolandCoke]

I was quite honest on phone with my mum and said I felt like I was bottom of everyone's priorities. Mum never says sorry. Anyway this morning, Dad has phoned to say he'll pop round tomorrow to see how we are. Actually turns out that the "emergency" my sister needed parents for was to finish her Christmas fucking shopping.

[CombineBananaFister]

As others have said, Yanbu, but it seems like in every walk of life atm, it's always the ones that do their best to cope who get ignored could have also written this post.
Sil and Dbro lurch from one (self made) drama to another and we're all expected to run around wiping their arses. I have a child with a long term illness who has had a pretty tough time lately but he just doesn't register as a high enough priority. I've called them out on it and there was lots of excuses and sulking.
Try not to get too down about it, it's not right but they obviously just don't see you as someone who needs help - maybe tell them how pissed off you are about it?

[Finola1step]

Another bottom of the piler here. The coper. Oh yes, the coper. Even in the grips of depression, I still had to be the coper.

But it hurts less now because I expect less. I also do less, for them.

[stargirl1701]

I hear you, OP.

My friend's Mum popped into her house this week and saw how exhausted she was. The Mum did bath & bedtime for her DGC then ran another bath for my friend. While she was enjoying that, the Mum tidied up the kitchen.

It's the knowledge that someone sees you, I guess. Sees your stress and exhaustion, and cares enough about you to help. It makes me want to cry, tbh.

I just keep thinking that I can do this for my DC. That's the only positive.

[CalpolandCoke]

I am immensely tired and frustrated. DH wandered if his parents could look after our kids for a few hours today so I could go to Dr and they are busy with other grandkids. Not doing fun things with other grandkids but looking after them while SIL is at work. And it turns out that mil is actually poorly herself.

[CalpolandCoke]

I agree re looking after kids of they're poorly but both sets of grandparents do it for the other grandchildren.

[CalpolandCoke]

I've got three kids but post got interrupted. I don't think people are quite getting my frustration. I'm not trying to palm them off all the time when ill. I simply want fairness. I was supposed to be seeing parents today as I've not seen them for ages. Mum has cancelled that and changed plans cos my sister needs her to look after her kids.

[Witchend]

Would you really expect them to drop the fun things they'd planned with your DN in order to look after your poorly kids?
Not doing that is not the sign of being bottom of the pile, just honouring current commitments.

Bottom of the pile would be if they'd promised your kids a fun day and then dropped them because their cousins were poorly, or if they refused to consider doing something with your kids in case their cousins were poorly.

[Fitbitironic]

Completely understand you being peeved when ppl don't help you out yet spend a great deal of time with other members of the family and look after their DC. Been there, done that, with dh working away also.
However, like a pp, I find it slightly unreasonable to expect gp to look after ill GC! They, being older, are more susceptible to catching whatever bug is going round as well. If your kids are ill, you/dh are responsible for taking time off to look after them, surely? Makes me really cross when my dsis sends ill DC round to our parents so she can go to work (she also has a dh)!

[ZoopDragon]

Just saw your last post. I think it's understable to not want to look after an ill toddler and baby if they're not yours and you're not close to them. Try to see it from their perspective- it's hard work and a huge responsibility at that age. You might find them more willing to help when they're a bit older.
Is getting a part time nanny (or nanny share) a possibility? It can work out cheaper than nursery with 2 under school age, and most look after the kids in your home even when unwell.

I hope you all feel better soon

[ZoopDragon]

I expect it's more about distance than anything else. I don't blame them not wanting to make an hour's round trip to help out.

Also I wouldn't want to look after someone's ill kids in case I caught it. I would as a favour for family I'm very close to, not for those I see less often or have to drive to.

Can you arrange more 1:1 time (when kids are well) so they can get to know your kids better? Eg drop them off for a day one weekend while you have a break?

Also, how old are yours? They might find 3 a handful compared to 1.

[speakout]

That's a lot of work with such young kids.

[speakout]

I thought you had 3 kids?

[CalpolandCoke]

I work 3 days, also do evening tutoring. Kids are 3 and 8 months.

[speakout]

I'm so tired dealing with three poorly kids, husband who works long hours, tiring job.

I think that's your problem, not your family.

I have had zero support from my family over the years, but structured my own family life to make sure I had time to nurture myself.
I have never felt the bottom of the pile, in fact I feel like the Kingpin, ( and I am also a carer for my elderly disabled mother).

Do you work full time? How old are your children?

[CalpolandCokeplease]

Here we go. Things came to a really bad head in the last few days. I had arranged to see parents on Friday. Mum text me to say, could we change to Thursday, something about my sister and work. I phoned my mum and she said my sister needs her to watch kids for bit as something has come up at work. Well I must admit I lost my patience. Mum was like, what's wrong? So I said that we had an arrangement for at least a week, my sister changes her plans on a whim so now I have to work round her and her kids AGAIN.

Today I've woken up absolutely exhausted with heavy cold, cough and bad throat. Husband phoned his parents last night as he suspected I'd be poorly and guess what? Busy with other side of family.

[CalpolandCokeplease]

.

[Be3Al2SiO36]

I think you need to open up to them about how you feel. Your opening post says a lot, but you may want to be tactful in how you deliver.

From my own experience, I can say "it is far better to be the bottom of the pile, that a pile on someone's bottom."

Think of it that way.

[grannytomine]

CalpoleandCoke, I didn't say you don't make an effort but if you invite them round and they already have commitments what do you think they should do? I know you can't plan sickness but inviting them round for meal could be planned in advance. Could you have extended invite to your sister's children? That is what would happen in my family.

I suppose you could test this by saying something like, "We would like you to come round for a meal in the New Year, which weekend would suit you." If they turn you down then you have your answer but if they say we have commitments on the first 3 but would love to come round on the 4th then you know it is just a planning matter.

[CaptainChristmas]

We don't get a look in. Invited parents round at weekend and they couldn't cos sister's kids were sleeping over.

This is so familiar. It’s funny, because I wonder now if toxic bil family think the same of me as @MrTrebus does of his sil. No, I don’t make much effort now. But that’s because it’s never been reciprocated .

[CaptainChristmas]

Normally, I’d say it’s a matter of give and take, but it sounds like you make a huge effort which isn’t reciprocated op.

I used to make such an effort with ILs, but I’ve stopped bothering with some of them. PILs are lovely, but they spend a lot of time with toxic bil family, who I’d rather not be within 100 paces of if I can help it! So it means we see PILs less than we’d like, but there we are. I imagine toxic bil’s family will therefore be the ones doing the lions share of care for PILs when they’re elderly too, as they see them so much now. It’s a two way street.

[CalpolandCoke]

Hi granny, just wanted to add, I'm not asking for SIL or sister to be let down. Just asking for a small window in everyone else's bloody schedule. We don't get a look in. Invited parents round at weekend and they couldn't cos sister's kids were sleeping over.

[CalpolandCoke]

LiveLife, totally gonna leave it now. MIL knows kids are ill so let's see how long it takes her.

[CalpolandCoke]

MrTrebus and granny - you are both wrong. I do make lots of contact, go more than out of my way and ask for favours. I asked whether in laws could help today for an hour or so and just got "well we've got to do something for so and so (SIL) and then we're picking up nephew from somewhere. We would ask more in advance but the sister and the sister-in-law literally monopolise all the time. For example, my parents take and pick up sister's kids every, single fucking day of the week. They also had them stay over on Saturday night while my sister went out. Sister collects them at 5-6 ish and kids will generally be fed so no need to sort tea out. Sister-in-law uses in laws three times a week and at least once at weekend. Sister-in-law 's granny does her ironing too!

[hollowtree]

Thank you tinsel I thought I was just being an old moan but actually it is bloody annoying isn't it!?

You're so right about 2018...