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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Flashed at...

68 replies

BertyFlanter · 17/12/2017 17:29

So after my works party last night (only female and 10 guys) we all ended up at one of the guys houses with his girlfriend and one of the other guys girlfriend who had shown up earlier, watching the boxing.

The guy whose girlfriend had come along earlier (uninvited) was blatantly after a threesome with me all night. I put them both in the picture that it was never going to happen, I’m a married woman and 15 years or more older than all of them. All the other guys were nothing but respectful, but at the end of the night I was in the kitchen checking my phone and when I turned around this one colleague had pulled his pants down and got his cock out. He just stood there and said “I’ve got a small cock look”
I shot out of the room and straight away the gf of the house we were at made an excuse to get me out of the room. When we were away she said the other gf had come into the room saying we were all going home together, make sure Berty leaves with us 😮

So, right now I’m feeling pretty pissed off and tbh violated. I’ve chatted with a couple of the guys and they seem to think it’s something and nothing and it will all just go away.

The work situation is complicated, can’t go into details as it’s outing, suffice to say HR would come under my umbrella, and for business reasons we can’t afford to sack this member of staff. Although I don’t doubt if that was my chosen route I would have all the backing I needed.

So I have thought about calling him out on the group chat we have, since he behaved like that in front of everybody, but then a part of me thinks a final written warning. But then he might be so embarrassed that he jacks in, and all the other guys would suffer and we may end up losing other jobs.

I know what the right thing to do is, but I don’t want to debate the current state of the business. I can’t change where we are. But I’m so mad that I’m sat here feeling like this and worrying about everyone’s jobs, because some dirty little man couldn’t keep it in his pants. Literally 😡

So any ideas on how to handle this tomorrow?

OP posts:

Laiste · 18/12/2017 09:02

It's a police matter surely, not HR. You weren't on work premesis or even at a pre arranged venue.

If he'd stolen something from the house you were all at that night would you be feeling it was an HR matter? Sexual indecency is worse!

thetemptationofchocolate · 18/12/2017 09:06

I agree with pps, as you work in other people's houses he cannot be allowed to continue with this. Think of how you've described him - a sexual predator, unable to take no for an answer.

If he did this to a client how long do you think the business would survive?

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 18/12/2017 09:51

He's put you in a lose lose situation hasn't he. If you report him and he gets sacked then everyone suffers, but if you don't report him you're not really doing the "right" thing. Theoretically how quickly could a replacement for him be arranged, either if he was sacked or if he left of his own accord? What I'm thinking is could you time a complaint in such a way that it's impact doesn't disrupt business? If you complained to the Police, for example, how quickly would it get back to HR and could a replacement be arranged by then?

MotherCupboard · 18/12/2017 09:53

I would report it to the police and let the consequences be what they are. The business can't expect you not to deal with this. what if the next time they do it to someone who can't stand up for themselves?

littletinyme1 · 18/12/2017 12:34

Sorry, this is my second post. If you work in peoples houses then this mans sexual behaviour and predatory actions make hin a SAFEGUARDING concern. Far better fir your business to be one down than for you to ignore this behaviour from someobevwho has contact with public in their house. Big girl pants please, this isnt really about you being hit on any more or seeing some dick's dick. It is about maintaining the integrity of your post and your business.You know this needs reporting if you are in HR. He sounds out of control. I'd do it soober rather than later, or you will have big questions to answer as to why you didnt act sooner. Any under 19s in the busibess or work force, or in the hoyses he houses he goes to? Any vulnerable/disabled/elderly? You need to act for OTHERS now. It us not normal boisterous behaviour.

littletinyme1 · 18/12/2017 12:35

Sorry fir all errors.

RogueBiscuit · 18/12/2017 13:10

This is horrible, and the fact a woman was involved is even more horrible.

Original poster

BertyFlanter · 18/12/2017 17:39

Not the greatest update ever, he has turned up today and been ever so quiet. He knows something is wrong. None of the other lads have said anything normally after a night out there would be much hilarity and retelling of the night so he knows something is off. The business owner is going to have a serious chat with him tonight face to face, and everyone is quite shocked.
I’m expecting an apology, but tbh I’m off from tomorrow so I would prefer if he waited until after new year. Let him stew on it for a while rather than thinking it’s all been sorted in a day.
We will struggle with HR because we had moved venue, but he will be under no illusions that he is being monitored and how serious it could be if I chose to go to the police.

OP posts:

redj5 · 20/12/2017 08:42

Hi OP, I hope the owner had the chat and the man in question has apologised properly and realised how serious what he did was? I hope you are feeling ok in yourself about it, as the while situation is quite a shock - and anger-producing that he thought he could put you in that situation!

tobitcoinornottobitcoin · 20/12/2017 08:49

Horrible man- and gf.

I think you need to talk to someone in RL as this clearly has more than the typical implications regarding work...

OnTheRise · 20/12/2017 08:57

Even if you're responsible for HR in the company, you can't be responsible for dealing with this, OP. You're too involved. I'm glad to hear your boss is going to have words with him: but as your business involves you going into people's homes I really think this has to be stamped on, swift and hard. His behaviour was awful. He ignored so many of your boundaries and can't be trusted to treat other people with respect.

I hope he leaves you alone from now on.

Motherbear26 · 20/12/2017 09:48

I know you’re feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place but I would go to the police. The word you used was predatory and flashing can often lead to much worse behaviour. This isn’t your responsibility in the slightest but imagine how you would feel if he does something worse in the future?

littletinyme1 · 20/12/2017 13:15

Are your employees CRB/DBS checked for their work in people's houses? If so he can't work for you. End of.

Mumofteendom · 20/12/2017 13:30

I agree that this is a safeguarding concern. If you are working in people's homes with someone who has committed a sexual act. My young teen has been flashed at and had someone in what I think sounds like the same industry shout sexual stuff shouted at her.

If I had found out later that the employer was aware of behaviour like this I would be furious.

Given his potential to work with vulnerable clients I think that letting him get away with this with internal punishment is irresponsible even though I understand your position.

Someone in the future might not be as able as you to fend him off.

K0729P · 20/12/2017 14:05

I'm sorry this happened to you OP, but I don't know why you are putting the needs of your employer above a criminal act. If his GF was also pushy, god knows what they could do (or have done in the past.)

I don't understand how he can't be replaced if he was sacked? Given the nature of his role, he should definitely not be in people's homes if that is how he is acting!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/12/2017 06:38

Please let’s not chastise the OP

I get reallly upset when people say thing along the lines of ‘if he strikes again it’s your fault as you didn’t report him’

She is now on Holiday and has some time to clear her head and decide how she wants to handle in the new year

I just hate the fact that the onus is on the victim to punish . Only with sexual crimes

LakieLady · 21/12/2017 08:04

and for business reasons we can’t afford to sack this member of staff

For business reasons, you can't afford not to sack him. He goes to people's houses where there may be women on their own, supposing he behaved inappropriately with a customer?

Get rid, before his behaviour escalates.

ConcreteUnderpants · 21/12/2017 12:19

I agree with PP's. He should be reported.

What are the implications if, say he did something in a customer's home and your company were aware of his previous indecency? Surely the business would be in a hell of a lot of trouble then.

I'm more concerned with how this wasn't "just" a drunken flash (don't bite, I don't mean it like that!), but more a planned predatory move with something a lot more sinister in mind.
Escalation from flashing almost certainly means he's done it before. This was a frightening move to try and get you alone with people who had been sexually harassing you all evening.

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