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AIBU?

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Original poster

Flashed at...

68 replies

BertyFlanter · 17/12/2017 17:29

So after my works party last night (only female and 10 guys) we all ended up at one of the guys houses with his girlfriend and one of the other guys girlfriend who had shown up earlier, watching the boxing.

The guy whose girlfriend had come along earlier (uninvited) was blatantly after a threesome with me all night. I put them both in the picture that it was never going to happen, I’m a married woman and 15 years or more older than all of them. All the other guys were nothing but respectful, but at the end of the night I was in the kitchen checking my phone and when I turned around this one colleague had pulled his pants down and got his cock out. He just stood there and said “I’ve got a small cock look”
I shot out of the room and straight away the gf of the house we were at made an excuse to get me out of the room. When we were away she said the other gf had come into the room saying we were all going home together, make sure Berty leaves with us 😮

So, right now I’m feeling pretty pissed off and tbh violated. I’ve chatted with a couple of the guys and they seem to think it’s something and nothing and it will all just go away.

The work situation is complicated, can’t go into details as it’s outing, suffice to say HR would come under my umbrella, and for business reasons we can’t afford to sack this member of staff. Although I don’t doubt if that was my chosen route I would have all the backing I needed.

So I have thought about calling him out on the group chat we have, since he behaved like that in front of everybody, but then a part of me thinks a final written warning. But then he might be so embarrassed that he jacks in, and all the other guys would suffer and we may end up losing other jobs.

I know what the right thing to do is, but I don’t want to debate the current state of the business. I can’t change where we are. But I’m so mad that I’m sat here feeling like this and worrying about everyone’s jobs, because some dirty little man couldn’t keep it in his pants. Literally 😡

So any ideas on how to handle this tomorrow?

OP posts:
Original poster
BertyFlanter · 17/12/2017 19:15

Tinsel tbh, every possible way of dealing with it has run through my mind, and I am more than capable of humiliating him with my words.**
However, I can’t shake off this feeling today, it has upset me more than I thought last night.* And it isn’t beer fear cos I stayed sober.*
I can’t help but think he cannot get away with this.* I feel he has disrespected me as a person, my position in the business and my marriage.*
Foolish me, I thought my colleagues respected me, now I know different.**

OP posts:
Smarmydrippings · 17/12/2017 19:24

You can't ignore this.

Insomnibrat · 17/12/2017 19:29

I think both their plans were to humiliate you. When you weren't receptive to being naked and vulnerable in front of them both, he subjected you to his cock anyway.

They sound awful.

gamerchick · 17/12/2017 19:33

Gamer do you mean I am over reacting? I get that things happen on works nights out and Christmas parties, but this was more than just a clumsy pass under the mistletoe, it was a sustained series of actions culminating in a criminal offence.

God no of course not. What I mean is that this is a criminal offence but outside of work. So needs an outside of work consequence. if a sacking comes from that consequence then so be it.

Original poster
BertyFlanter · 17/12/2017 19:39

Thanks Gamer, sorry if I sounded snippy I didn’t mean to Flowers

OP posts:
ImMissHannigan · 17/12/2017 21:47

Wow! What a situation. And none of your making. And now you are fretting on a Sunday afternoon instead of just recovering from your night out. You have done nothing wrong in this situation but are still the one posting on Mumsnet. This is a case of gross misconduct. Ask these posters who seem to think you are making a big deal how their husbands would feel if it was them? . This is wrong on so many levels. I'm sorry you are dealing with this when all you wanted to do was enjoy a staff night out on an equal footing. I shake my damn head when is see shit like this. Report his sorry ass. Thanks

Original poster
BertyFlanter · 17/12/2017 22:21

Thanks Miss Hannigan, I hope he is suffering with the fear for tomorrow. He deserves to

Thankfully I only have Monday and Tuesday then I’m finished for Christmas. I have a shopping day planned with my sister this week and she will no doubt let me rant and then make me laugh 😊 I can then forget about it for a week or two

OP posts:
TammySwansonTwo · 17/12/2017 23:31

Are you an employee or is it your business? I think you need to inform management and let them decide what to do, if that's not you.

I'm just thinking - what if he did this or worse to someone else in the company / on site? I think they need to know what he's doing.

Sprinklestar · 17/12/2017 23:44

I’d go to the police. Flashing is just the start for lots of sexual predators.

toocool4cats · 18/12/2017 00:31

Op there is no way that you should let him get away with this. Who the heck does this to anyone never mind a work colleague? I'm not surprised that you feel disrespected as that is exactly what he has done, completely disrespected you. I would haul his ass into the office first thing tomorrow and have it out ( so to speak) ! Tell him you are disgusted at his behaviour, he has committed a sex crime and that you are seriously considering calling the Police. That'll give him something to think about over Christmas. Under no circumstances should you let him have a peaceful holiday after this, no way . Cheeky Perv

LoveProsecco · 18/12/2017 01:45

How disgusting, I think I would be so angry & violates I wouldn't care about the business impact.

Wishing you well with your decision Thanks

Insomnibrat · 18/12/2017 04:54

The thing is. This didn't happen on work's time or work's property...

I'm finding it hard to reconcile his admittedly disgusting behaviour with a workplace punishment. IS IT 'final warning/dismissal' stuff? It actually had nothing to do with the workplace.

Dancinggoat · 18/12/2017 07:38

I don't believe this is an HR issue as it didn't happen in work but I could be wrong.
My feeling is that if you feel it needs addressing you need to talk to the police.
You mentioned calling him out on it. In that case you'd say - do that again and I'll report you to the police.

hula008 · 18/12/2017 07:45

It happened at a work event - it’s a HR issue. I don’t have much advice Berty more than others have said but just wanted to say if this happened to me I don’t even think I’d be able to face going back into work Flowers

Original poster
BertyFlanter · 18/12/2017 07:48

I think it is a HR issue at the works party but as we had moved on it is a little blurry. However police = gross misconduct. We would sack any employee who gathered a criminal record of a sexual nature. We work in peoples houses so it’s a no no.
Had it been someone else he flashed there may not even be a choice and then the business would still be in the shit position.

OP posts:
Original poster
BertyFlanter · 18/12/2017 07:50

Thanks everyone for your kind words. I’m heading into work shortly so I will update you all later. He probably won’t be there when I arrive so I don’t have to face him just yet, just the situation IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Wishfulmakeupping · 18/12/2017 07:53

I've been flashed op it's awful hope you're ok- I think if you can go to the police too.

Onelastpage · 18/12/2017 07:56

Good luck today, OP.

Whatever you decide, please make sure you talk to another manager as suggested. Sadly people don’t always understand how threatening flashing can be - I’ve been flashed twice in my life (I’ve been fairly lucky). Once was shocking as I was young but not frightening as such. But the second time involved following and shouting so I was really shaken for days afterward.

I’d be really worried that this man’s behaviour will escalate - possibly not with you but at some point with another woman - if he gets a consequence-free thrill out of this. However, your first duty is to look after yourself and make sure you feel safe.

IntoTheFloodAgain · 18/12/2017 07:58

We work in peoples houses so it’s a no no.

I think this is all the more reason to report it.
If you’d sack anyone with a criminal record for similar actions, the lack of a record shouldn’t really make a difference where you’ve witnessed the behaviour yourself (if that makes sense).

I’d report it to your line manager to begin wirh. Good luck

Onelastpage · 18/12/2017 08:00

Just seen you work in people’s houses. I’d be really really concerned about this guy in that context. He probably wouldn’t be randomly flashing people whilst working (though you never know) but his boundaries are so warped to have done it at all (and to someone he works with) that I would not trust his judgement or conduct.

Anymajordude · 18/12/2017 08:12

I think you have to sack him. You think it's on your shoulders but really it isn't, it's on his. You can't let that one go just because of the consequences, the choice was made by him and he is responsible for the other workers job losses. He works in people's houses, there is no choice to be made.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

laudanum · 18/12/2017 08:12

What he did, was sexual harassment.

Unless he is pulled up for this, he will continue to do things in that way until he's stopped. He's probably into SPH (small penis humiliation), and men who are into that really get off on being humiliated either for the size of it, or the fact that they horrified someone. What they're looking for is someone to point and laugh at it, and tell them they're not a real man etc etc. Believe me, the MOMENT he was alone, he will have wanked himself daft over the whole sorry situation.

The other men minimising this are total arseholes. It's a big deal. If he'd have done it to them, you can bet they would have been disgusted or probably punched him. SPH seekers love that too.

It's absolutely not your job to make sure he doesn't do that to anyone else, but surely there is someone else qualified to work his position, someone else you could hire?

I'd have taken a pair of bloody scissors to it. Revolting little shit. ✂️

ItsYuleyme · 18/12/2017 08:18

Can't you get a couple of the other guys that were there to have a quiet word at work, along the lines of him being bang out of order at the works do and he's very lucky it isnt being taken further.
Only suggesting this as you say that sacking him would cause loss of jobs for the other guys, which isn't fair.
Or, you whisper in his ear, what the hell did he think he was playing at, he must have had too much to drink and say you want an apology.
Then leave it at that.

laudanum · 18/12/2017 08:22

Working in people's houses is definitely a reason he needs to be sacked. That's an intimate personal space, and there is nothing more attractive to a flasher than being in these spaces with the potential to violate them.

Stuff like wanking in a customer's bathroom, going through personal items, risqué stuff that's likely to give him a rush if caught. Think about it this way, what would you do if a customer caught him doing something like that? The fallout from that would 100% bury your business.

Splinterz · 18/12/2017 08:28

Unless this was a works paid for do then it really isn't a work issue. It happened off premises and unless he's waving his todger in your face over the works canteen table, it really isn't thir prerogative to deal with.

However it is of a sexual nature - I would - after due consideration - make a complaint to the police.

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