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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

NO such thing as a happy marriage?

65 replies

NeverRed · 17/12/2017 17:17

My husband and I were out with mates at the weekend when he turns around and says he doesn’t believe that you can have a happy marriage! I thought I was in one. AIBU thinking that you can have a happy marriage?

OP posts:

user7680 · 17/12/2017 19:23

Well am not happily married nor are many of my fam/friends unfortunately. My parents divorced when I was a baby both remarried but were never happy in their marriages .nice to read that happy marriages do exist

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 17/12/2017 19:23

Happy, yes
Perfect, no

Movablefeast · 17/12/2017 19:28

Msgameandwatching I don't agree that one partner makes more sacrifice than the other. As others have said our marriage is not perfect but it is definitely very happy. Compromise and self-sacrifice at times are part and parcel of being a mature adult and parent. DH is also very supportive and encouraging and is my best friend. We operate as a team and sometimes the team is having a tough patch but we soldier on and so far it has worked out.

It's an ambition if ours to stay married and be fun grandparents even though our own kids are under 18. We are in it for the long-haul.

MatildaTheCat · 17/12/2017 19:33

Happiness is a state from within oneself. Obviously there are many examples of how the actions of a spouse could make one either feel upset or delighted but basically contentment comes from within.

Most people achieve this by living well and perusing their own lives and interests in tandem with considering the needs and wishes of their partner. Compromise, in short.

A complete lack of disagreements and outside interests would be incredibly boring which has the tendency to lead to discontent.

My dh and I have very different interests and hobbies, we sometimes disagree and occasionally argue and get angry but I believe we would both label our marriage as very happy indeed. Not to say every moment, but when considered as a whole.

streetlife70s · 17/12/2017 19:35

I think for a marriage to be “happy”, one of the two has to be making more compromises and sacrifices than the other. If they’re ok with that then the marriage will be happy.

That’s absolute rubbish and it’s sad you think like that.

BoldMcCoo · 17/12/2017 19:36

I'd be upset if DW said that to me.

I think we have a really happy marriage :)

WhooooAmI24601 · 17/12/2017 19:54

I don't think happiness is a perpetual state; it's like most other emotions and ebbs and flows as lives change and grow.

I'd say my marriage is mostly happy. We have moments where we truly don't make one another happy and for me that's ok; I don't expect constant joy and romance. Some days it's harder than others. Perhaps if you've grown up watching an unhappy marriage or been through an unhappy marriage yourself it changes your perspective on it.

Movablefeast · 17/12/2017 20:26

Sharing a sense of humour helps - all sorts of crap hits you in life. Our 11 yr old son was just diagnosed with lymphoma about a month ago. Thankfully his prognosis is really good. We couldn't believe it because our 14 yr old had chemo as a baby/toddler for a completely different condition and we had always assumed that lightening could never strike twice. We were wrong, but we are so relieved and grateful that we live about 30 minutes away from a children's hospital with a fantastic oncology dept.

I was talking to DH a couple of days ago when at work by phone and said I still felt really angry about it all and he said so did he. It felt like being punched in the face to get another serious diagnosis but then we talked and both felt better and commiserated with each other.

Bottom line DS should fully recover and we are both so relieved and also grateful to have each other through all the BS.

Singlebutmarried · 17/12/2017 22:02

As a P.O. said. Perfect no. Happy yes.

My DH has dealt with my chronic illness, depression and all manner of things.

Yes he can be a dick (he got some drawn on him last night) but he’s my dick and I love him with all (most) of my heart.

Rest of heart if reserved for DD.

We’re not perfect. We fuck each other off. But we work.

He’s my lobster.

SendintheArdwolves · 17/12/2017 22:26

He’s my lobster

Adorbs. But also lobsters don't mate for life. They just swap their gametes and move on. The whole "forever" thing is just mad nonsense F.RI.EN.D.S made up :)

5foot5 · 17/12/2017 22:32

He’s my lobster
You've been watching the Apprentice final haven't you?

OP maybe your DH is not very good at expressing himself?

Whatever. I would find that very hurtful. I have been married for 30 years and I think we are happy. Not everything has gone super smooth - thirty years is a long time. But he is my best friend and we still love each other.

Perhaps shock tactics are required. In a day or two calmly suggest that you go for couples counselling because if things are as bad as all that maybe you need outside help to decide if the relationship can be saved. If he was just being an arse or saying it to sound clever then that could make him think twice about being such an insensitive twit in future. I mean, even if he genuinely thinks there is a problem what sort of idiot brings it

5foot5 · 17/12/2017 22:33

Up for the first time in public.

How did it get away?

TeaAndAMarmiteSandwhich · 17/12/2017 23:36

I have a happy marriage

But if DH said to me what your DH said to you, I'd be worried the happiness was about to leave the building :( I'd b gutted

Raisedbyguineapigs · 17/12/2017 23:40

Sendin I thought the whole lobster thing was wrong. they are crustaceans misses the point

BoldMcCoo · 17/12/2017 23:42

Things I was happy NOT knowing: the lobster truth!

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