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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NO such thing as a happy marriage?

65 replies

NeverRed · 17/12/2017 17:17

My husband and I were out with mates at the weekend when he turns around and says he doesn’t believe that you can have a happy marriage! I thought I was in one. AIBU thinking that you can have a happy marriage?

OP posts:
Wishingandwaiting · 17/12/2017 17:44

I think it says a lot that you’re coming on mumsnet rather than sitting down and having an open conversation with him about his comment Last night

honeylulu · 17/12/2017 17:49

Some people think a "happy" relationship is one that is always romantic, passionate, electric, exciting and effortless (basically like it is in the early months). They don't like the mundane drudge of everyday life and making the effort to work through everything. This is also why some people give up easily or have affairs.
They aren't realistic. Let's face it, all relationships have mundane, domestic side and you sometimes have to (both) work hard to remember that you live each other and its all worth it.
Gutting to hear that though.

Missingstreetlife · 17/12/2017 17:50

Hilarious item on gogglebox last week about this.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/12/2017 17:53

He sounds like quite the pain in the arse!

I do dislike these attention seeking types who say mean things in the guise of 'provocative conversation'.

Ignore him. Or grin and say 'Well that's food for thought'.

JoJoSM2 · 17/12/2017 17:54

Exactly what SendintheArdwolves says.

We're happily married but we're 2 different people.

pointythings · 17/12/2017 18:00

Of course it's possible to have a happy marriage. The first 15 or so years of mine were great. The fact that my H has since spiralled into alcoholism and that we are divorcing now does not mean those 15 years weren't real.

Happy does not equal perfect. Happy is also not necessarily forever because things change and people change.

MoodyTwo · 17/12/2017 18:24

No one is happy 100% of the time, but I think marriage is more than just two people being happy, you have to compromise and do what's best for you as a couple. I can honestly say I am in a very happy marriage x

Eltonjohnssyrup · 17/12/2017 18:25

You can't have a marriage that is happy all of the time. Not since they stopped giving out Valium on prescription.

HappyAndRelaxed · 17/12/2017 18:35

It depends on the couple. Everyone has ups and downs naturally but it's how you cope with them that matters. Likewise, everyone has annoying habits but most will ignore or put up with them because they love the other person. No one is perfect but when you love someone, the good usually outweighs the bad and love will carry you a long way.❤

BertieBotts · 17/12/2017 18:42

YY - this might be more of a difference in defining "happy marriage" than him actually saying he's unhappy. Ask him though!

OpalIridescence · 17/12/2017 18:46

Hmmmm. I don't know, I look at all the marriages around me and I think there is only one that I would call happy or happy most of the time.

I think about this on and off as it seems such a strange thing to do if the outcome is majority unhappiness ( in the marriages I see).
I like to read of your accounts as I would like to believe good marriages outweigh the bad.

FilledSoda · 17/12/2017 18:48

What a hurtful thing to say to you .

BirthdayBeast · 17/12/2017 18:53

Most married couples I know have happy marriages, although I can think of two particular marriages which are downright dreadful and I can't understand why these couples stay together.

I would also class my marriage as happy. We have our ups and downs obviously, and we bicker a lot, but we're happy and contented the vast majority of the time.

However, like pps have said, I think your dh is confusing happy marriage with perfect marriage. My marriage is very happy but certainly not perfect.

Hotfootit · 17/12/2017 18:55

I had unpleasant times as a child (moved house, my dog died, I fought with my siblings ), but I did have a happy childhood.
I have been married 17 years. We’ve had fallouts along the way and a few problems (mainly money and illness), but we are happy together. DH makes me laugh and I enjoy his company, we have DC and pets and things are generally good. I think we have a happy marriage. So what if neither of us is happy every second of every amday. I’m generally a happy person, but I have the same occasional bad day (period, lack of sleep, bad cold) - that doesn’t mean I’m not a happy person.

OpalIridescence · 17/12/2017 18:56

Oh! I read your OP as one of your mates had said it, now I see it was your husband that said it?

I'm sorry, that is entirely different. Perhaps you need to speak to him about why he said it in further depth?

AcrossthePond55 · 17/12/2017 18:58

I agree that no marriage is 100% happy 100% of the time. Even the best of marriages has its ups and downs. So if that's what he means by 'no happy marriages' then I agree with him, in sentiment. BUT I'd also say that if he thinks a marriage can't be called 'happy' unless it's 'happy' 100% of the time, then he's unrealistic and sure to be disappointed.

This kind of statement can fester if left alone. TBH, I think I'd want to have a quiet calm discussion with him about what he meant. If he is unhappy in your marriage, you need to know what's going on. If he meant that not all marriages are 100% happy all the time but that he's fine with your marriage, then he needs to clarify for you.

Iflyaway · 17/12/2017 19:00

I think for a marriage to be “happy”, one of the two has to be making more compromises and sacrifices than the other. If they’re ok with that then the marriage will be happy.

You sound like a sad 50's housewife.

Sorry. Don't agree with you. Why should one make more sacrificies than another...?

Marriage is about equality. The yin and the yang. Otherwise it won't work.
I know the balance is hard to find. But. Otherwise I'd prefer to be alone. And single motherhood in 2017 is just fantastic. Now my son is adult -brought up solo since 6 months - I can fucking do what the fuck I want, wonderful. Travel solo all the time....

Oh. And I have a wonderful man in my life. I am blessed. He wants to marry but I am fine as I am thank you.

Ropsleybunny · 17/12/2017 19:03

I'm happily married.

Evelynismyspyname · 17/12/2017 19:04

Was he pontificating philosophically on whether any human can truly be continually happy, and it just came out wrong?

Arguably we are all sold impossible, idealised, romantic ideas of relationships and part of surviving as a long term couple is accepting that reality is mundane and annoying and full of compromise... As well as the good bits :o

echt · 17/12/2017 19:07

I was happily married.

Spudlet · 17/12/2017 19:13

I think we’re happily married. That’s not the same as spending every day in a state of bliss though. There are bugs to contend with, sleepless nights with a small dc, we sometimes bicker, we get grumpy. He blocks the toilet. I forget to put petrol in the car. Overall, we’re happy. But realistically so.

KanyeWesticle · 17/12/2017 19:15

I don't believe anyone truly gets the fairytale, fall in love, get married, happy ever after ending, no... was that what he meant?

trilbydoll · 17/12/2017 19:16

I don't think it's possible to live with someone and be deliriously happy 24 hours a day. That would be quite bizarre. But as long as the good times outweigh the times they're being irritating then I'd say it's a happy marriage?

NataliaOsipova · 17/12/2017 19:17

He tried to say it was because everyone does things that annoy one another so no one is truly happy.

A pp has made a similar point - but, on that basis, there's no such thing as a happy life. So it all depends on your definition of happiness!

Letitsnowsnowsnow · 17/12/2017 19:20

most marriages are happy....only just. 42% end in divorce (107000 in 2016). So almost 1/2 of us live in marriages that are so unhappy that they are grounds for divorce. Of the remaining 58%, i guess at least the 8% is unhappy. So at least 50% are unhappy. Does anyone IRL know? Probably not. I know at least 4 couples with very difficult marriages (me being one of them).....the ‘outside world’ think we all have perfect lives. Very few people are honest to anyone except their very inner circle about the state of their marriage!