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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or was this really a horrible thing to say (pregnancy loss related)

73 replies

NotBurpeesAgain · 17/12/2017 10:45

I am 3 months pregnant with DC4 and was told a few days ago that the baby will not survive.
DH has not been especially supportive and told me several things I find very hard to forgive.
Yesterday night, once the DCs were in bed, I started to cry. He watched me for a few minutes without trying to comfort me and finally asked "When this is over, how long is it going to take you to move on to something else?"
He is on the phone chatting happily with a family member (he refuses to tell his family about the pregnancy - I wonder if he is ashamed the baby is "not normal") and I want to run away and Never come back. AIBU?

OP posts:

sparklepops123 · 17/12/2017 21:43

Don't respond to him - take the opportunity to sleep well x

TheHobbitMum · 17/12/2017 21:52

I'm so very sorry OP, you should be surrounded by support not being treated awfully by your dickhead of a husband. You don't need to stay in the marriage, you deserve to be treated with respect and love. Your children are learning all his bad behaviour and thinking this is normal :(

Take time to come to terms with your devastating loss and grief then make plans to start a new life without the heartless piece of shit you are married too

Original poster

NotBurpeesAgain · 18/12/2017 22:02

He is still being horrible.
Now I realise that he behaved appropriately at the hospital because there was an audience, so he put on his "good husband" persona.
He came home from work after 9, having refused to answer my phonecalls. First he ignored me when I asked him how the roads were. Suddenly, he started ranting about the fact I had not removed the snow from my car, telling me that I could have done it instead of sitting on my arse all day. He went on about my "don't give a f... attitude". He is now in the spare room, probably sleeping in his work clothes on the bed I stripped earlier to wash the sheets. For his relatives he invited for Christmas. Whose presents I bought today because he is "too busy".

Sometimes I fantasize about filming him and exposing him to his family and acquaintances. He keeps telling everyone I don't di anything at home, I don't look after the DCs, I spend my life on Facebook, I spend his hard-earned money on myself.

Four years ago I spent the worst Christmas of my life because of him. He stonewalled me in front if my parents, refused to touch the meal I had prepared and did not get me a present. He told me to wrap something I had bought for the kitchen and pretend it was from him.
I think this year is going to be worse.

OP posts:

TooManyPaws · 18/12/2017 22:10

Please get to a lawyer or Women's Aid as soon as possible. You shouldn't be anywhere near this abusive man and neither should your children. Not only is it awful for you but it is awful for them listening to it and waiting for it to be turned on them?

Please get your children to safety even if you are struggling to get yourself out. Fight for their happiness because emotionally abusive men like this will ruin their life and psyche if you stay. Look what he has done to you - do you want the same for them?

And his visitors/clients must be disgusted with him running his wife down in front of both them and his children; that is not normal behaviour.

NoqontroI · 18/12/2017 22:11

He sounds utterly vile op. You need to leave him, you really do.

Cambionome · 18/12/2017 22:12

This sounds absolutely awful, op. I really feel for you.

Stay strong (and calm) and start to quietly make plans to leave. Keep telling yourself that next Christmas will be the best Christmas ever.

Poisongirl81 · 18/12/2017 22:18

Why haven't you left him?

goodbyeeee · 18/12/2017 22:21

Jesus. He's a pig. I've lost 3 babies. I'm so sorry you are going through this with no support. When you feel strong enough please call Women's Aid. You deserve better than this.

Justanothernameonthepage · 18/12/2017 22:34

You need to leave. For your sake and the children's sake.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this.
Please write down what he says.
Please talk to your midwife and Dr about the fact you are in an abusive relationship as well as going through the grieving process.
Tomorrow, talk to woman's aid and get the details for a solicitor.
Get copies of all documents including kids passport and birth certificate.
If you don't have a private bank account, get one and start hoarding.
Keep an escape bag with clothes for you and the kids in your car.
Find out where you stand with the house and what financial possibility there is as a single parent.
If you can safely, record him. Get any and all evidence.

Original poster

NotBurpeesAgain · 18/12/2017 22:36

poisongirl I have been, slowly, gaining independence for the last few years (learnt to drive, gone back to work part-time...). In order to be able to afford my own place I would have to work full time, which I need to ask nearly a year in advance. And of course he would know.
To be perfectly honest, even though he has never been physically violent, I think I am afraid of what he could do if I left.

OP posts:

Original poster

NotBurpeesAgain · 18/12/2017 22:42

Justanothername he is from another country and could provide the DCs with passports from his birth country without my permission or knowledge.

I have to get up in 6 hours. I am going to try to close my eyes but I will update in the next few days.
Thank you, everyone. It feels so good to think that someone, somewhere knows and cares.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 18/12/2017 22:44

Just remember you are married you are in the UK 50% of the assets are yours as a starting point...

LouHotel · 18/12/2017 22:55

You need to gather as much financial documents as possible along with birth certificates of your children and current passports.

Please please contact women's aid, you dont need to live like this.

GinAndSonic · 18/12/2017 23:03

I'm so sorry you are going through this loss and your husband is showing his vilest side.
You need to talk to women's aid about getting a court order to prevent him taking the dc out of the country, and get away from him. He's an awful person and he won't get better, only worse.

EMSMUM16 · 18/12/2017 23:31

You have rights though, yes you may be legitimate in your fears that he could take your children but honestly, it will not get any better, and you know that I think.
You should go and get advice from women's aid or from a solicitor (quite a few do a free half hour), you should not have to leave, he should, and there are things that can be put in place to prevent him taking the children out of the country. You don't have to put up with this, just have a chat with helpline staff from women's aid, you may be surprised at what you discover your rights are.
It is a particularly difficult time for you, and he is making it worse for you. How awful for you and your children.
LouHotel has a good point

ferntwist · 19/12/2017 07:08

You can get all sorts of benefits as a single mum that mean you might not have to work full-time. You can also get on the housing list now. Agree with PPs who advise contacting Women’s Aid for help and advice. Good luck OP, we’re here for you.

Poisongirl81 · 19/12/2017 07:41

You would get tax credits working part time which would be enough. I have been there and it's ample....you don't need to work full time. It sounds like you are on the right track. Is the house jointly owned? Do you have family nearby? X

Poisongirl81 · 19/12/2017 07:42

We will help you. Come back and update when you can

Laiste · 19/12/2017 07:53

OP have you any family?

A family solicitor will see you for free for the first hour i believe and give you correct and basic advice regarding what your legal rights are and the process of making sure you get your share. It will be private and your husband wont find out you've been. The information will be valuable and will help you feel you can do it. (leave)

If you go down this route i would advise you to maybe copy and paste your posts here for the solicitor to read - purely for speed! The hour flies by and you want them to talk more than you IYSWIM? :)

Best of luck OP You can do this x

Laiste · 19/12/2017 07:55

It might be half an hour free ... they will tell you when you ring for an appt. and will tell you what the cost would be if you go over that amount of time.

Justanothernameonthepage · 19/12/2017 08:55

If you're worried about him taking the children, you need to start gathering evidence and seek legal advice. Call woman's aid and talk to them about concerns - including the passport situation.
In a side note, SANDS may be useful for you right now if you haven't looked them up.

AppleHEAD · 19/12/2017 09:19

Bloody hell. Firstly I'm so so sorry you are having to deal with this.
What he said is awful and nasty. Tell whoever you want to and do whatever helps you cope. I think you should then tell him to go to hell. Do not keep quiet about what you are going through, you are going to need support and love which is clearly not going to come from him.

tampinfuminragin · 19/12/2017 12:54

That's an awful thing to say.

I'm so sorry about your baby OP.

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