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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or was this really a horrible thing to say (pregnancy loss related)

73 replies

NotBurpeesAgain · 17/12/2017 10:45

I am 3 months pregnant with DC4 and was told a few days ago that the baby will not survive.
DH has not been especially supportive and told me several things I find very hard to forgive.
Yesterday night, once the DCs were in bed, I started to cry. He watched me for a few minutes without trying to comfort me and finally asked "When this is over, how long is it going to take you to move on to something else?"
He is on the phone chatting happily with a family member (he refuses to tell his family about the pregnancy - I wonder if he is ashamed the baby is "not normal") and I want to run away and Never come back. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

NotBurpeesAgain · 17/12/2017 16:29

I have Just come back. The house is empty. He won't anwer his phone.
I must have looked awful at the supermarket. People were staring at me, but then they were extra kind. If a stranger can see I am in hell and be nice, why can't my own husband?

OP posts:

ferntwist · 17/12/2017 16:30

He’s got serious problems OP and he’s using you as his emotional punch bag. It’s time to get out or to get him out.

JustVent · 17/12/2017 17:13

Because he is a total bastard.

He’s out Now so pack his bags and leave them by the front door.

FizzyGreenWater · 17/12/2017 17:16

If a stranger can see I am in hell and be nice, why can't my own husband?

Because most of those strangers are nice, normal people with normal emotions, and your husband is a nasty piece of work.

It isn't you, it's him.

Please let this be the end. For your sake and for your childrens's sake ESPECIALLY, leave him!!!!!

FizzyGreenWater · 17/12/2017 17:19

Can you use this thread to help you get your thought in order?

If you were to leave - is there anywhere you can go? Family? How far are they, do you get on?

Who else knows about the situation with your baby? You need support. Again - family? The ideal option right now would be to be able to leave with the children to stay somewhere over Christmas where you will be treated with kindness. You can then start sorting things out after the Christmas break.

FuckCalmRhageOn · 17/12/2017 17:30

I am so very sorry about your baby. My daughter died shortly after birth after we found out she was very sick at 20wks. My heart hurts knowing you are suffering. Please seek support through sands. They have an amazing network of people who know the pain you are in and can help you.

You and your dc are worth more then the abuse you are getting. Your world is falling apart so I understand you don't want to rock the boat.... however staying with him whilst trying to navigate your way through been a parent to your dc and through grief is going to hurt you further.
Be kind to yourself. I will light a candle for you and your baby. ((Hugs))

BlueThesaurusRex · 17/12/2017 17:34

A similar comment from my ex was what finally opened my eyes to the fact I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. We were in our way to my beloved grandads funeral and he asked me ‘are you going to be this miserable all weekend. It took me a year but I managed to build up the courage and self esteem to leave.

I suggest you have a long, hard think about whether your future needs to include him.

I’m so sorry for your terrible news

sparklepops123 · 17/12/2017 17:45

Bless you, I'm sending you big hugs ( and I don't do that often 🤪) he's an absolute twat. Let yourself cope and Grieve without him it will make you stronger. And you will realise eventually what he did to you means he doesn't deserve you . You will cope, manage and be ok xx

Original poster

NotBurpeesAgain · 17/12/2017 17:59

Well, they are back. DH is still pretending I don't exist. DS told me "Mum, Dad kept saying bad things about you to our guests."
I have no one to talk to IRL.

OP posts:

Anasnake · 17/12/2017 18:05

Where are your family op ? You need to get out, he's toxic. If you have nowhere to go contact women's aid. Don't feel alone there's lots of support on here

Silverthorn · 17/12/2017 18:05

Oh my gosh he's a cunt. Ltb.

sparklepops123 · 17/12/2017 18:21

He's dissing you in front of the kids ? And your going through all of what you are !! 🤬I want to come and smack him on your behalf , is there really no where else u can go ?

Giraffey1 · 17/12/2017 18:25

This is beyond shocking. Do you have friends you can go to? You say you don’t have any family .... can we help you make plans to get yourself out of this situation? No one deserves to be treated like this

LagunaBubbles · 17/12/2017 18:39

Your DH can't be kind to you like strangers because he's not a kind person.

sparklepops123 · 17/12/2017 18:49

He's not putting a kind front on he's trashing his wife to others - and his kids - whilst she is suffering . Total tool

JustVent · 17/12/2017 19:18

OP what is stopping you leaving/kicking him out?

Moreisnnogedag · 17/12/2017 19:21

Leave and leave now. Take the children, ring family and have done with it.

GlitteryFluff · 17/12/2017 19:22

What an awful man.
Hope one day you’ll have the strength to kick him out.
Im so sorry for what you’re going through

JustVent · 17/12/2017 19:27

OP I’ve read your previous posts. You don’t sound like you have any support around you.
I can’t imagine how fragile you must feel right now. I really wish I could reach across and support you. My baby died recently and I know how tough it is, I was a similar gestation. You need support, love, kindness, warmth and understanding. Anything less and that is abhorrent. Especially from your own husband.
Perhaps deal with one thing at a time. Let us help you through the pregnancy as much as possible -keep posting - and then talk about the other issues.

We are here.

FuckCalmRhageOn · 17/12/2017 19:36

Can't agree more with JustVent (very sorry to hear of your loss)

If there is no one irl please let us support you in any way you need.

You are not alone

ferntwist · 17/12/2017 20:22

OP how awful that he was talking bad about you to his friends in front of your son. How long have you been married and how long has it been so bad? Do you think you could ask him to leave for a time?

Original poster

NotBurpeesAgain · 17/12/2017 20:28

Thanks everyone
I put the DCs to bed and when I came back downstairs he was pretending to have fallen asleep on the sofa.
I have just realised that I cannot even remember the last time he said something nice to me. For years he has been telling me that I am stupid, lazy, selfish and shallow.
I want to go back downstairs and scream at him.

OP posts:

Regularsizedrudy · 17/12/2017 20:35

I’m so sorry for your loss op. I have seen your other posts about your husband. He is a cruel and abusive man. You deserve much better, please leave when you can

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 17/12/2017 20:40

Don't bother screaming at him, it would just be a waste of energy. Be kind to yourself, grieve for your baby and start making plans for you and your dc. You and your children deserve so much more than this.

Cambionome · 17/12/2017 20:41

Really, really feel for you op. Keep posting - you will find a way to leave and go onto be happy without this awful man.

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