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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told who is visiting / where I'm going

34 replies

PeppaPigInBlankets · 16/12/2017 15:52

Happy to be told I'm being U. DH has a habit of telling me after he's arranged either for us to go out to someone else's house so they can see our DS or that someone is coming to our house to visit after the fact. I am only given a cursory "is that ok?" Once he's told me it's on. I've asked for heads up before he makes plans before but he doesn't seem to grasp that it's polite I get it. AIBU to want it? Wondering if it's ridiculous I need it!

OP posts:
DO3271 · 16/12/2017 15:56

YANBU. Its only polite and caring to run it past you first, its not asking permission as it includes you and your child. It hints at controlling behaviour and lack of respect. I would start saying no. You are an adult, you have free choice. Does he show controlling behaviour in other ways? How you have your hair/clothes etc?

Trb17 · 16/12/2017 15:57

YANBU at all.

It’s basic good manners to check with you.

TalkinBoutWhat · 16/12/2017 16:00

Very bloody rude of him. I can get my head around it occasionally happening, but constantly?

I'd deliberately not be available for something, no matter how annoyed or upset about it he is. Embarrass him by standing up his friends. That would be the only way to stop it I think.

RaspberryOverload · 16/12/2017 16:01

He's being disrespectful to you, as if your opinions, etc, dont't matter.

Original poster
PeppaPigInBlankets · 16/12/2017 16:02

He doesn't have an opinion on clothes or hair. I don't think he displays controlling behaviour, he just seems to be weird in this.

I thought I might be over sensitive as I'm not feeling well today, had a nap with DS and when I woke up he told me we were having visitors. I asked when it was arranged, "about 2 mins ago" so I stayed in bed. I just don't want to idly chat when I feel so unwell. But then I thought maybe I'm being a right miserable cow.

OP posts:
Itsallfuckery · 16/12/2017 16:04

YANBU. I would go mad. Huge pet hate of mine, people just turning up, and if my DH knew about it and hadn’t given me fair warning, he would hear about it I’m afraid. Same with expecting me to up and go somewhere on the spot. Sorry, I don’t do spontaneous at all, I’m slightly ocd with needing to have plans made in advance. Drives DH mad, but he respects how I am. Aware I sound like such fun, but it’s really not like that!

scottishdiem · 16/12/2017 16:06

Well if he has a high degree of spontaneity and you like to plan everything then there is always going to be a problem. Perhaps a more formal chat to thrash out a protocol would work.

Or you can buy the standard MN that he is abusing you in some way.

Original poster
PeppaPigInBlankets · 16/12/2017 16:10

Don't get me wrong, I don't buy there is control or abuse! I'm spontaneous to a point, I just feel like he could ask if it's ok with m before he makes plans - he knows I'm feeling under the weather today so I would have asked him to hold off until tomorrow, for example.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2017 16:15

How old is your DS? Is he very new?
I think your DH is being an unreasonable arse, actually. He should check with you BEFORE agreeing to this sort of thing, because y'know, some days you just DON'T feel like entertaining/visiting, and you shouldn't have to.

That would make me pretty bloody angry.

Original poster
PeppaPigInBlankets · 16/12/2017 16:17

11 months old!

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/12/2017 16:21

OK, so not very new but still a pretty young baby who needs naps and routines and so on.

Nope, I'd still be pretty mad with DH if he did this to me.

PeonyBucket · 16/12/2017 16:24

I just don't want to idly chat when I feel so unwell. But then I thought maybe I'm being a right miserable cow

YANBU. I'd have stayed in bed as well.

RestingGrinchFace · 16/12/2017 16:24

It sounds to me that he is just lacking in basic manners. Just pretend that you have clashing plans the next few times 'Oh, I'm actually going to be out with the baby then at soft play, sorry.' And go. Eventually he'll get the message and start double checking with you. He sounds like a real pain to live with. Best get it sorted.

Original poster
PeppaPigInBlankets · 16/12/2017 16:38

Thanks all. Will have a word when guests are gone, though he's due back at work soon so maybe he's just avoiding my being sick by stacking up company!

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 16/12/2017 16:39

YANBU to be annoyed he invited his sister over when you don't feel well - and he knows it.

I'm also a very private person who likes to be organised.

But also remember it's his house and his DS. The only way he can be considered to be totally controlling or just rude is if you run it by him everytime you invite a friend in for coffee, or to come over, or ask his permission to go out.

If he says "we are going to my mums on Saturday - is that ok?". You can say you're a bit tired that week so will stay home and catch up on sleep whilst he goes with ds.

There has to be some middle ground found before this becomes a bigger issue than it needs to.

topcat2014 · 16/12/2017 16:43

I never mind people turning up, although these days not many do. Sometimes life can be a bit too scripted, regimented and joyless.

However, I wouldn't like to actually be 'booked' to do something without being asked.

Original poster
PeppaPigInBlankets · 16/12/2017 16:43

I do ask if it's ok to have people round to be honest as his job is stressful and he only has short gaps in the middle of the day to rest, so I try give him that time. As you say, its his house too and I'd never want him to have to put up with visitors if he didn't want to.
If I want to go out, similarly, I will ask him if he'd like to. If he's at work I'm not sure how it would affect him.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 16/12/2017 16:44

My DH does this too. Very annoying!

happypoobum · 16/12/2017 17:14

So what would happen if he told you "We are going out tomorrow afternoon to see X at 2pm" and you said, you weren't up for it, or you wanted to do Z instead?

Would he go on his own? On his own with DS? Or would he sulk until he got his own way?

Original poster
PeppaPigInBlankets · 16/12/2017 17:30

I just tend to go along with it. I tell him it's annoying but I rearrange my stuff and accommodate him. I've probably made a rod for my own back.
Talk had - he's apologised and said he will be more thoughtful in future. Thanks all.

OP posts:
Whinesalot · 16/12/2017 17:37

Don't rearrange your stuff. Let him rearrange his new plans.

Gemini69 · 16/12/2017 17:44

tell him that's fine Darling.. but you're going out .. Bye Xmas Grin

NataliaOsipova · 16/12/2017 17:47

It is a bit rude if you're expected to entertain whoever is coming too/if they're going to be in your house while you're there. "I'd like to ask my mum round on Sunday - is that okay?" Is fine. "I've asked my mum round in Sunday - is that okay?" is less fine.....

FinallyHere · 16/12/2017 17:56

I tell him it's annoying but I rearrange my stuff and accommodate him

I read your update , where he has agreed to be more considerate in future. WTAF? Just for your i fo., please in future, make a note to yourself to not accommodate him in this way. Make sure that, if he has not included you in arrangements, you do not go along with them. They way, he will realise that if he doesn't include you, you will not be part of it. All the best.

mummmy2017 · 16/12/2017 18:29

Epic, next time he says he has arranged a visit, pack him off with baby, and go have me time, or that X is visiting, invent a day out with friends and GO...

He will soon start asking when he sees everytime he arranges without asking he is left holding the baby. after all he will have help....

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