To hate the phrase - I am doing my best?

[crunchymint]

Now there is background here of SS involved with a family member. But simply saying you are doing your best for your children is not a get out clause. Sometimes your best is not good enough.

I don't think "I'm doing my best " and "Your best isn't good enough " are mutually exclusive

^ this and this >

Other times they say it because they are doing their best, and its no use asking them to do more

It may be that it really is all they can do, it's not good enough and they need someone to step in.

I'm a single mother to a 15mo. I work full time in a stressful creative job with managerial responsibility. I'm flat broke (from the separation) and DS has had 3 months of very bad health- which may or may not be an underlying autoimmune disorder.

The other night I called my mother and asked her to come hold the baby for an hour so I could tidy up/ shower/ put food in the slow cooker.

When she arrived, I sat down, burst into tears, and the only thing I could say was that "I'm doing my best".

What I meant was, I'm doing my best ... although I feel like my best isn't good enough. Because I never feel like my best is good enough- even when I'm winning awards at work/ when people tell me how happy and full of light my son looks....

I can never find it in myself to say "queen, you're doing really well". The phrase pride comes before a fall is etched on my psyche.

For me, YABU- for some of us "I'm doing my best" is the only affirmation we can dredge up for ourselves.

Well, what do you expect someone to do if their best isn't good enough?

Charming...friend of yours is it?

Queen I am REALLY not talking about parents like you.I assume you dont have SS involvement.

The sad thing is that parents can love their children and be doing their best and still be not good enough.

Yes my relatives love their kids. Are they good enough parents? Not by a long way.

@crunchy

No issue with that. No SS here, but your BU was about the phrase- and for me- that phrase at the moment, is the most grace I can find for myself

They are getting lots of support. Nothing is changing.

"I know you are very tired, but saying you are doing your best is not a get out card."
What are you doing to help?

No, I totally get you, yanbu.
I work in a similar sector, and get cross when parents say this to me. Sorry, no, you are not doing your best when your kids have recurrent nits that are giving them infections on their scalp it's so ingrained and bad.
You are not doing your best if you choose your pathetic boyfriends over putting your children to bed, and reading to them.
You are not doing your best if you leave your four year old in nappies because you can't be bothered cleaning up puddles and trying to train him.
You are not doing your best if you are sat about all da while they are at school, watching tv, and seeing your friends and they then have to come home and clean.

The op wasn't taking about people who are genuinely doing their best, and are meeting their children's needs, but may go through patches of struggling. I think they mean people who think claiming they are trying their best is a get out clause for any court ordered activity or advice.

For example, whenever your chronically sleep deprived child gets out of bed and gets the iPad, you need to get it off them and put them back to bed.
Mum . Yeah I do that mostly, but by five am I'm too tired. I'm doing my best you know.

That's not doing your best. That's giving up.

Yes exactly. Being with them and their kids means trying to stop their young kids hurting themselves while they chat and drink coffee. They ignore it all. Their 3 year old trying to open the window for example, and would have succeeded if I hadn't stopped him. That is not doing your best.

Queen I am REALLY not talking about parents like you
Might help to be clearer in your OP.

"Simply saying you are doing your best for your children is not a get out clause. Sometimes your best is not good enough."
Sounds generic and is judgemental to me. I am quite sure that you are doing your best too OP as most of us are (who doesn't do their best?). To many others doing our best may seem to fall below standard.

We all have different priorities. For some being super duper organised and never missing a school event is the most important thing. Other parents prioritise healthy food and great homework support. Others still spend a lot of money and energy in supporting dc's talents & hobbies.

We can agree that none of us are perfect parents and that we all lack in a several areas but we all do our best as we think is right by us and our children.

However it seems that you are specifically talking about a family who is seriously struggling and not really to "hate the phrase - I am doing my best?" in a generic sense.

It's true though, some people are poor parents on the whole mostly because they themselves have not been parented well, have mental health issues or find themselves in bad relationships and deprived socio economic conditions. I feel very sorry for people like this and would try and help where I can. I have previously volunteered for a charity supporting young families and I can assure you that they need support not judging.

Do you really think you will never ever fall on hard times OP and let more thing slip than you'd hoe? Or are you a parent who hasn't got any shortcomings whatsoever? With those short comings, you are probably still 'doing your best'.

Awkward 😳

I get it. Like MattBerry. It's a get out phrase designed to make someone go away and stop asking awkward questions, deflecting all criticism and basically flat out rejecting reality.

The correct response e.g. when someone points out your child is suffering isn't "I'm doing my best" it's along the lines of "I don't know what to do, I'm struggling, I'm sorry, help me".

No I would never sit and ignore a 3 year old trying to open a window in a house that they could fall out of and die. I am not talking about feeding kids chips and fruit shoots or parents not making school events. There are some basics that parents have to meet.

OP, I get what you are saying.

'I'm doing my best' is not a get-out-of-jail-free card when you are talking about the window example or wowbutter's.

Why do you think your family member is not able to improve their parenting?

Haha DoingTheBestICan

OP, forgive me, but your posts sound a bit incoherent.

What is it you want to get out of this thread? It's impossible to say whether YABU or not suspect you are if you change your op from generic to specific and back to ominously generic again.

If i get you right you are upset that a parent in charge of their young child is preventing them from opening a high rise window.

Is that it?

if this is something you have witnessed you must speak to SS and report the incident, especially if there are more safeguarding issues going on. But it is a bit childish to post "AIBU to hate the saying I'm doing my best", why don't you explain the situation clearly to see if there is anything you can do to either cope with witnessing something potentially upsetting (the neglect of a child) or advice on how to support these children (and maybe parents).

I understand that it must be upsetting observing parents who don't seem to care to safeguard their children. What would you like to happen wrt this domestic situation?

is not* preventing

Op you've zeroed in on a phrase but it's the situation that you're unhappy with.