Please help re advice Partner......

[JasmineB89]

I hate to write this, but I have no one, and I mean not one person - no family, friends, neighbours. So please try not to be too harsh.
I have mental health issues which have been there since I was 9 years old Upbring horrific and subsequent events made me a nervous wreck by age of 12 years old. I had my only child, his father disappeared out of his life and never saw our my child since - in over 27 years. I alway worked. Mental health ground me down and I had a huge breakdown a few years ago which left me very ill and now agoraphobic. Unable to work and I hate that. I live in a rural area. Very isolated. I have no transport I do not have a life like many others. I wake, spend time with dogs, go to sleep. I cannot watch television or read as meds I am make me unable to concentrate. I love my isolated life mostly as mental health makes me useless around people and noise.
Partner always at work - works nights 6 nights a week. See him for less than 2 hours a day in person.
Met partner before breakdown. Moved in with him whilst I was ill. First few years everything good. Found out from online pics on his laptop, when he let me use his laptop whilst mine was broke, that he had been sleeping with swingers. The pics were very graphic.

Partner admitted he had arranged online to meet a married couple. He said we were going through a rough time. I never noticed it. Maybe we were. I was devastated. Mental health became worse. Had no one to talk to. I could not afford to move out. I approached my then mental health team who told me to 'forget' what partner had done, and to concentrate on getting better. I did that, but will never be able to 'forget'
Cuts to mental health services mean I have no input from them and have not done for a long time.
I cannot afford to get anywhere to live. I have my pets, who I live for. If I took up an eventual offer possibly of a social housing flat, my dogs, would not be allowed. I can get outdoors with my dogs.
Partner used to pay for a lot, *he earns a lot of money) as I could not work, but I received benefit, and I would contribute. I do not eat much, so food shopping was mainly his and the pets.
He has now asked for half of my monthly amount which is £400. I have to now buy my own food and essentials. I will be left with £25 a week if I spend £25 only a week for myself.
I keep thinking - please tell me if you think I am being selfish - that as he earns so much money, am I wrong to think that I should be left with so little money after I have paid my benefit to him and bought food shopping for myself?
I thought relationships were about fairly sharing, We have been together for many years. Separate bank accounts.
I don't feel much for my partner - not since he cheated, but if I leave I will be homeless. SHELTER confirmed this. I have to be homeless and go to council and ask for help and as I have no young children then I could be homeless and accomodation not guaranteed. I appreciate this. Being outdoors alone will kill me with agoraphobia just alone
I do not want harsh criticism but just any ideas on what another person may do. I want and try every single day to improve my life, but where do I truly start.
Has anyone ever been in a situation like this?
Thank you for reading if you have not fell asleep through boredom !

You don't have to be religious. I have a client who is very against religion but the local church get him out and about, help him with his gardening and shopping. All the while he tells them they are stupid believing in pixies as he puts it. Just because they drive nice cars does not mean that they are awful people who wouldn't accept you.

I know you are happy on your own but that is the illness isn't it? You have to fight against it, you need to fight the agoraphobia by leaving the house more. Fight the social anxiety by being more social. Maybe sign up to some free classes at the local job centre?

What about joining a walking group?
www.ramblers.org.uk/go-walking/group-finder.aspx

You need to get some fight in you to turn your life around.

Mimpidreams - Your situation is how I think that mine and my partners should be, but obviously it isnt.
Couples Counselling - My partner would never have the time to go and I do not think he would. I cannot go without him. If we spoke about his cheating on me, then he would just say 'I know it was wrong, it happened, lets forget about it, as you will get upset"
I did love him a lot until he cheated on me. Since then I partially love him. We go absolutely nowhere together. He works all the time.
He works 6 nights a week. He sleeps in the day. Wakes, showers and leaves the house.
Separate bedrooms, If we had one bedroom I would disturb him sleeping during the day. if I went in there.
His work takes him away to other countries, and weekends training.
His work is a career in which he gets his social side from. We do not now go on holiday as this year I could not afford to pay half of it.
If I suddenly won a lot of money, would I leave him? I would but I would also be very upset. I do still partially love him, but I know this situation is wrong. I just cannot do anything about moving out.

I'm sorry, I'm not trying to sound horrible, but if you're struggling to pay for yourself you do not need all these pets. I know you love them, they make you comfortable and it will 'kill' you to loose them, but it looks like they take up half (or more) of your monthly outgoings?

Your partner (or rather, flatmate) is asking you to contribute more towards living costs. I can see why he's saying that. It doesn't sound like you two are in a relationship (in the traditional use of the word). I'm concerned that he will eventually ask you to leave, which will effectively make you homeless.

You need to make some (hard) decisions and focus on finding yourself a place to live. You say you can't live with your son and you have no friends or family. What about a women's shelter? The stress of your current situation can't be doing you any favours. I know any changes will (initially) be very difficult BUT it would probably be better for you in the long term.

Are you on the council waiting list? I have no idea how long that will take in your area, but where could you go in the meantime? Think about that. You don't want to hurt your son, I understand that, but can he help you in any way at all? God knows I wouldn't want my MIL under my roof, but I also wouldn't allow her to live in the streets if that was the only alternative.

To me, it seems you have a few options:

*Frank discussion with your son about a plan regarding where you can live until the council flat

*Women's shelter until you get the council flat

• Frank discussion with your partner regarding monthly expenses and living arrangements/expectations going forward. If your partner doesn't want to put your name on the mortgage (totally understandable) then perhaps you could agree on some sort of 'lease' where he leases a room to you for X amount per week/month? At least then you would have some sort of 'rights' to the house (as long as you make your agreed payments). However, I personally wouldn't count on that arrangement for the long term.

I did have a large family but I had to cut them all off for serious reasons. Abusive parents died.
I am proud of my son. His father disappeared, only for me to read many years later, about him, in last years national press, he was in prison for being a paedophile. He was caught through a vigilante group. I then realised it was a good thing he walked out on my son all those years earlier.
I had friends mainly from work but I lost them through my illness. Other friends disappeared.
My rescue animals are who I live for. They are adorable.
I used to be so outgoing and social, (most of it was a cover at work and outside) until I became very unwell and then I am now a hermit haha
I will think about the Church.

No way would I even entertain the idea of re-homing your pets. They make you leave the house a few times a day for walks. Best therapy in the world.

Your AIBU is about finances.

I feel very sorry for your situation but your financially using him. This isn't a relationship at all. He's got a lodger who he's asking to contribute 50% of income to running the property. In the great scheme of things it costs a lot more than £400 a month to run a property and he's currently footing the bill.

This is a situation where the MN collective come together and say you pay an equal percentage of your salary into the communal house running pot - 50% rather than equal income.

So you have a lot of issues here that need to be resolved.

In your situation, as you remain 'friendly' I would formally ask if you can dissolve your relationship status and ask if you can rent a room from him - no idea what the going rate is where you are but as an example I see (local to me in South London) a double bedroom for rent in a house share as £500pcm and HB for the area would be £87pw. I this is worth investigating. You could also market it as you living in the house for the time being as keeping it occupied and looked after whilst he is away.

My son would never ever want me living with him and his wife. I could not put that pressure on their marriage as well.
I have asked partner for list of bills and arrangements. He hates them and will just scrawl a few lines of a few bills on a scrappy piece of paper. He will not commit to contracts and the rest.
My animals were adopted from the dog meat trade in another country - they had been tortured, starved, born into a crate in vile conditions, and ready to be boiled and skinned alive for human consumption - I could never ever give them up. My pets need me as much as I need them.
I would die rather then leave them. I would feed them and do, before I feed myself.
I cannot give them up. My life would be nothing. That is like asking someone to give up their child to me.
Okay I am getting upset now, so I will leave this conversation because I don't want to start getting more down.
Thank you so much for all your help. It has given me a lot to think about. I am not giving up my beautiful dogs and cats though.

I don't think you should give up your animals as they provide a lifeline for you.

I do think you should start to investigate ways you could move out. A women's shelter might be possible, or get on the council's waiting list and find out about whether pets can be allowed.

Sorry to hear that your are in this situation. Of course you wouldn't want to give up your animals whom you love.

Is there any work you could do from home? Or perhaps volunteering at a local animal charity to get you out and among new people in gentle steps? Do you belong to any online support communities for people with similar MH issues, who might be able to give you more tailored advice and support?

You are in a horrible situation. However, you can't expect to live off someone when you don't love each other. You are just staying with him for the money, and it doesn't sound like he really wants to be with you either. Its not fair that one person has to permanently support another person. Your benefits are for living on, and you should be paying your way with your boyfriend.
You definitely need to move out before you are put out or, as another poster said, you could ask if you could rent a room from him. I don't now where you live, but where I live there are lots of "annexes" to rent. They are self-contained or partially joined onto big expensive houses, and give privacy and safety at a relatively low cost. I lived in one for years, and many of them give access to the garden so might not mind dogs.

This is irrelevant and not at all helpful but you sound so lovely. Everything you write it so nicely said and I like you more after reading every comment. I do hope everything works out for you. I don't think you're being selfish at all. You're in a difficult situation, that's all.

Nami Kim?

That is where our rescue dog is from also. Thank you so much for doing that and they are returning that love to you :)

Is there a local rescue centre you can volunteer at? That would be a great way of getting out of the house more.

I think you need to work on your relationship. You need to rekindle what you had. He has made a mistake, he is sorry and you chose to stay and forgive him. You have to move past what happened and start again. If your relationship is salvageable you have to try. Having your relationship in a good place could help with a lot of areas of your life.

He doesn't sound like he wants to. Not going on holiday because his long term partner that he lives with (who is on benefits because of their mental health) couldn't afford to pay for half? That's not very kind and loving. Plus the minimisation of his cheating. He'd need to put in a lot of effort in counselling I think.

so lets get this straight - you have only £400 a month - nothing else, just that. And he wants to take £200 of it? Is that what you are telling us?

He wants to do this without any discussion on splitting up or changing circumstances, he just literally wants that money from you? How does anyone think this is ok? OP Can you call women's aid and talk it through with them?

Would you have the money to pay for a month's deposit and a month's rent upfront? If so, some private landlords will take those on housing benefit and you could move into a one bedroom flat and apply for housing benefit. You can find out how much the local housing rate for a one bedroom flat is online so you don't take on a place where the rent is much higher than the housing benefit. If you live though in London or an expensive area there is often a short fall but in many areas across the UK housing benefit will cover all or most of the rent. Of course you then need to pay all the bills so dont know how feasible.

I don't think there is an answer that you want to hear. It is hard but I think your partner doesn't sound happy with the situation at all and really it's not his responsibility to provide a home for you and pay your bills for ever more. It would be better really for both of you if you moved out and you got your own place. I don't think people in those type of churches would be much help.

I don’t think you should move in with your son, but I do think you could ask him to help you in other ways.

For example he might be able to lend you the deposit for somewhere to live that you can have your pets.

Your relationship is pretty much over it seems, so you should look into what your finances would be if you live alone. You may be entitled to housing benefit.

Alternatively as you have separate bedrooms, and eat separate meals you may be able to explain to the benefit people that you are no longer in a relationship with this man, and have them pay housing benefit for you to rent a room from him. This might be an easier option in the short term.

Can you get pip?

Have you been in touch with any of the mental health charities like Rethink or Mind?

You’re right that the state funded mental health services in this country are practically non existent but there are charities about which can and do offer support.

Rather than assuming things I would suggest getting some facts. One go back to your GP and ask for some help and support. Two look on www.rightmove.co.uk or similar and find out how much it is to rent a room or flat in your area. Three get your name on to council waiting list or housing scheme list. Four try to do some volunteering where you will meet new people. Five the relationship with your partner seems to have ended and I agree why should he be funding your living costs, you don't seem to do anything together and you seem to be living separate lives. Six you need to start doing new things, because something has got to change

Have you applied for PIP?

Are there any animal rescue charities that you could maybe volunteer for to give you some more social interaction but without any pressure?

Have you ever contacted MIND? They may have a local group and be able to offer you some advice about housing www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helplines/

It really does not sound like you have a relationship left. Your partner has his own life and you appear to be a roommate who cleans his house. I know that sounds harsh but you haven’t written anything that makes it sound like he loves and cares for you.

I would make an appointment with the Vicar of the local church and even ask if he would come to visit you.
Tell him/her your circumstances and ask him if he or any of his parishioners can offer any help or advice.
It's a start, anyway. You could be pleasantly surprised at the kindness of church folk!