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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To forgive boyfriend for sexting randoms

70 replies

Orangepineapple · 15/12/2017 22:26

I am so hurt and don't know what to do.

Background:
DP and I both 29
Been together 3 years
Lived together (rented) for 1.5 years

Earlier I saw an app on my boyfriends phone I didn't recognise out of the corner of my eye when we were both on the sofa. He instantly deleted it and started acting weird and shifty and I knew something was up. For 20 mins he was claiming it was something to do with work before finally admitting - he had used it to sext randoms.

Apparently this is 3 diff people all in US all he has never met in real life. It's been going on 1-2 times a week for about 2 months.

I honestly just don't know what to do. For me this has come out of nowhere. I feel SICK. Tbh I was basically expecting an imminent proposal and didn't see anything wrong in our relationship at all.

He is destroyed and has been crying etc (I've never seen him cry before). He says he loves me more than anything I'm his best friend etc and he was just horny and stupid.

It is true we haven't had much sex over the past six months or so. I have had bad endometriosis and actually had an op for this about 6 weeks ago now and hoping it would have improved. I guess I could have done more for our sex life in that time.

I don't want to split up, I was so happy and love him so much and I just feel like I have been hit by a train. He swears he feels awful and will never do it again. I want to work it out I just don't know how and how I can come to terms with this. Help.

OP posts:

Regularsizedrudy · 16/12/2017 19:12

Forgive him if you want but he will do it again

sauceyorange · 16/12/2017 19:22

It's not like if you did make mor effort (as you imply) he magically wouldn't have been a prick and cheated on you. In no way are you at fault here. Don't internalise his bad behaviour

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 17/12/2017 12:59

Couples counselling?
Ok,this recommended counselling.who pays?nhs won’t ,GP won’t.its £45+ ph
With huge waiting list for nhs counselling, this is unlikely to be free.its not urgent
I see this on mn all the time the recommendation get counselling! as if it’s as easy as that

ObscuredbyFog · 17/12/2017 16:06

If he had gone through pain then genital surgery and was recovering so sex was off the menu until he felt better, would your first thoughts and actions be to go and sext randoms online OP?

If you've answered No, then you need to kick him in the balls out and find a partner that cares about you and your needs, not like the one you have now.

IrkThePurist · 17/12/2017 16:07

Decent men dont act like this.

AgentProvocateur · 17/12/2017 16:10

He’s only sorry he got caught. Don’t be a doormat and stay with someone who has such little respect for you. I’d be willing to bet all the money I have that he’ll do it again (or worse) before long.

MillennialFalcon · 18/12/2017 11:38

LipstickHandbagCoffee
I didn't say get counselling, I said consider it, involved in that consideration would be seeing if the cost works for them. Some relate centres do have reduced cost options depending on their circumstances so that might be something for them to look into. I think you might have misunderstood me. I never said it was free or available on the NHS so your response is a bit confusing. I never said it was easy either, I'm sure nothing about the OP's situation is easy! I just said it was something to consider.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 18/12/2017 11:52

I think your response is a bit glib,consider counselling
It’s just said on mn as if it’s the panacea to everything

MillennialFalcon · 18/12/2017 13:37

I feel like you maybe have issues with other posts that you are putting specifically on me. I wasn't trying to be glib at all and acknowledged the OP's situation was serious.

MillennialFalcon · 18/12/2017 13:39

I actually gave a more detailed response that I put thought into and you've singled out one sentence to say I was glib.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 18/12/2017 13:40

Not in the least,I simply don’t agree with your post. that’s how it goes in discussions

Aeroflotgirl · 18/12/2017 13:43

That is a dumpable offence.i could not get passed that.

specialsubject · 18/12/2017 13:47

He could use his right hand for something other than texting .

So sorry, but at least you know now. Clearly if you can't have sex he doesn't have much use for you. Or that's what it looks like.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/12/2017 14:14

So, are you going to spend the rest of your life keeping up with your sex duties so he doesn't look elsewhere?

^ This. If your endometriosis flares up again, will you be paranoid about him sexting other women?

He obviously liked the thrill of it. He's only crying now because he got caught out.

Sorry, but I don't think he'll 'never do it again' - he'll just be craftier and hide his tracks better.

Original poster

Orangepineapple · 18/12/2017 15:03

hi everyone, OP here.
I want to thank everyone who has replied to me on here and everyone's advice and sympathy.
I have taken this very seriously but after a lot of thinking and talking decided to continue on with the relationship. I can only trust my own instincts and I do believe that he is truly repentant and saw what he was doing as an extension of porn, a fantasy and didn't connect it with a betrayal of me. (which is obviously STILL NOT OKAY but is better than alternative).
I truly to my core believe he would never do anything like this again but if he did it goes without saying this is his last chance.
I'm sorry if people think I am being a doormat, or a mug and it wasn't an easy decision but I have to go with my heart and my instincts and try not to obsess about what others would think.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/12/2017 15:08

Sometimes you have to live the lesson to learn it.

We'll all be here if you need support next time.

Good luck.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/12/2017 15:30

It's your life and your decision, OP.

I hope he is worthy of your trust (am being sincere, not snarky!).

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 18/12/2017 15:36

You don’t have to justify your decision to mn.just take care of yourself and I hope you make a full recovery with your health conditions

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 18/12/2017 16:36

Sorry you’re going through this OP. It’s difficult to know how salvageable this is without having a lot more details. What I do know from personal experie nce is that lack of sex (and the associated rejection and low esteem) make good people do bad things. Endo s shit and the laparoscopy can be both physically and psychologically difficult. It’s prob time to sit down and talk and listen to each other but don’t necessarily write this off

Iwanttobe8stoneagain · 18/12/2017 16:39

Sorry just saw your update. Good for you for going with your instincts on this and being willing to work on the relationship too many people treat relationships as easily disposable I hope it works out for you and maybe see this as an opportunity to open up more to each other. Wishing you both all the best for the future.

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