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Original poster

To forgive boyfriend for sexting randoms

70 replies

Orangepineapple · 15/12/2017 22:26

I am so hurt and don't know what to do.

Background:
DP and I both 29
Been together 3 years
Lived together (rented) for 1.5 years

Earlier I saw an app on my boyfriends phone I didn't recognise out of the corner of my eye when we were both on the sofa. He instantly deleted it and started acting weird and shifty and I knew something was up. For 20 mins he was claiming it was something to do with work before finally admitting - he had used it to sext randoms.

Apparently this is 3 diff people all in US all he has never met in real life. It's been going on 1-2 times a week for about 2 months.

I honestly just don't know what to do. For me this has come out of nowhere. I feel SICK. Tbh I was basically expecting an imminent proposal and didn't see anything wrong in our relationship at all.

He is destroyed and has been crying etc (I've never seen him cry before). He says he loves me more than anything I'm his best friend etc and he was just horny and stupid.

It is true we haven't had much sex over the past six months or so. I have had bad endometriosis and actually had an op for this about 6 weeks ago now and hoping it would have improved. I guess I could have done more for our sex life in that time.

I don't want to split up, I was so happy and love him so much and I just feel like I have been hit by a train. He swears he feels awful and will never do it again. I want to work it out I just don't know how and how I can come to terms with this. Help.

OP posts:
SureJan · 15/12/2017 23:40

I personally wouldn't bother with counselling - waste of time & money on someone who doesn't deserve that level of effort. I'd just cut my losses & end things now.

HeddaGarbled · 15/12/2017 23:41

You've only been together for 3 years and haven't yet had to face the strain that small children have on a relationship, nor being together 10 years and the sex has gone stale thing that every relationship goes through.

He can't stay faithful after such a short amount of time. He doesn't stand a prayer of being faithful long term. He's not a keeper. Sorry.

AnyFucker · 15/12/2017 23:43

Don't be a mug

How you could ever respect this snivelling inadequate again is beyond me

snowpo · 16/12/2017 00:01

I think you have to trust your instincts OP.
Before I married my DH I discovered he had contacted people online to talk about threesomes and had made personal contacts to watch women masturbate for him. We had been together for 3yrs at the time.
I was absolutely broken, I didn't eat and started smoking again. When I told him I knew he was so angry and upset, he even punched a wall and I have never seen him do anything so violent before or since.
I don't believe he was upset he had been found out as everyone on here seems to think every man is. I believe he was genuinely angry with himself for risking our relationship. I think he had passed over the boundary from watching porn (which is fine with me) and gone too far.
After a few months of distancing myself, I did gradually forgive him.
I'm sure he had not met up with any of these people and nor would he have done (his job and our lifestyle did not allow for it). I think it was just fantasy gone too far and that social media makes it easy.
We have now been very happily married 10yrs with 2 DC. He loves me to bits and is an amazing husband.
Give yourself time and let him know that you need space to work out what you want to do. You're reeling from the shock of it at the moment but that will wear off and then you will be able to think more clearly.

BunsOfAnarchy · 16/12/2017 00:22

Lol @LipstickHandbagCoffee

Poon hound! Sorry that's just too funny

But I always advocate the option of counselling instead of walking away when it comes to relationships like the one op has described (I.e no issues, no other behaviour like this until literally last couple weeks)

It's easy to tell someone to walk away. Its also easy just to stay and pretend it's okay.

It's harder to go out and talk to someone about it as a couple. To have to make him own up to his embarrassment to a stranger (he needs to be made to cringe). And to listen to how much it's damaged the person they said they loved.

No. You can't let him get away with not knowing how much of a fuck up he is and how much he's hurt you. And it might mean it still breaks down and they have to part ways.

If this was my hubby I do not have a clue what I would do. Id probably go doolally and put banana in his exhaust and then get a one way ticket to vegas I literally cant say what i would do.
I can only see this objectively.

DailyFailstinks · 16/12/2017 01:51

LTB

esk1mo · 16/12/2017 01:57

ive been here and it will happen again. its almost like an addiction.

then it will escalate, perhaps to live cams/chats etc...then prostitutes

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/12/2017 02:04

You just found out. I wouldn't be forgiving anything for a long time actually not at all. You want to forgive because it 'makes things OK" and his weeping and blubbering makes it look like you can. Even if you decide to stay, and I wouldn't, you need to see how he behaves for a long time, not just when he's sad he can't cheat any more.

Cut your losses.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 16/12/2017 02:07

First, please be kind to yourself. This is not your fault.

Personally, I couldn't forgive this. It wasn't a one off mistake; there were three women, he sexted them at least 12 times. He got so brazen that he left the app visible whilst sitting with you. This wasn't a one off mistake (Which I'd still find difficult to forgive), he crossed that boundary again and again. He's now only upset because you found out; and he was pretty keen to make sure you didn't, deleting the app straight away.

In this type of situation, a lot of people only admit to a little of what has happened, to see what they can get away with. Don't decide whether you can forgive him or not yet. You don't want to have the rug pulled under you if you accept this and more comes out later.

I would be even more hurt that he was doing this while you were having an operation and recovering. That's not an excuse for his behaviour; it's a damning look at his priorities.

Funkyferret · 16/12/2017 02:15

No sorry, you've had health problems that required an operation and recuperation. Your thoughts shouldn't be, especially with the nature of the problem, that you should have tried to participate in more sex with your partner. People can go a day without having sex and not explode, he really is terribly selfish.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/12/2017 02:16

He swears he feels awful and will never do it again

They all say that the first time. Oddly enough, they also always say it the second time and the third.........

HipNewName · 16/12/2017 02:32

How do you know that limit of what he did was a little sexting with women on another continent? How do you know for sure that he is 100% being honest with you now?

iamafraidofvirginiawolves3cats · 16/12/2017 02:33

What a disappointment for you! But I am not surprised. What percentage of men aged 19-70 use porn ( in all its various guises) every day I wonder?
Cue lots of people saying ‘ My husband /DP never uses porn. He is as disgusted as I am by it!’ I think we would be genuinely surprised. Even if we asked our DH/DP, MN is not representative of the population.
I am a dinosaur so don’t use Facebook, but is the any discussion there about it?
He is probably doing what lots of men are doing. He will almost certainly carry on doing it too, regardless of what he says. The question is how you feel about it? Is there enough in the positive column for you to live with this?

Juicyfruitloop · 16/12/2017 04:15

Please do not blame yourself. He could have done more to help you through your health issues and op.

If it was his health that was the issue and he had an operation, Would that be ok for you to Sext other guys as he was out of action physically.

Even if you don't want to split up this is all a shock, Like a sudden death as only hours previous you were blissfully happy, Do take a long break from him at least, Some men get addicted to these sites and he may not be able to stop for you. It sounds like you have had enough stress the past few month without adding the stress and paranoia of not trusting him to do it again.

YeahRightOk · 16/12/2017 04:48

bin. that's where he belongs.

laudanum · 16/12/2017 04:55

Everyone who's saying he's only crying cos he got caught? They're absolutely right. You had endometriosis and he selfishly looks for alternatives? What a total shitball.

Trust me he will do this repeatedly and just be more covert about it. Dump him.

AstridWhite · 16/12/2017 05:11

Apparently this is 3 diff people all in US all he has never met in real life. It's been going on 1-2 times a week for about 2 months.

I can believe this.

He is destroyed and has been crying etc (I've never seen him cry before). He says he loves me more than anything I'm his best friend etc and he was just horny and stupid.

I can believe this too.

The trouble is, that this sort of thing becomes addictive. It's like watching porn, but because it's interactive and way more personal, even if no actual physical contact happens, it's like the gateway drug to having actual sex with random strangers. It starts off as something people tell themselves is a harmless 'hands-off' bit of fun, an ego boost, but it can easily get out of hand and before you know it people are meeting up for no strings hook ups and those can easily turn into with strings hook ups - i.e. full blown affairs.

For many people the sexting and web cam stuff alone feels like enough of a betrayal, enough of an infidelity. For me it would, it would feel like my partner telling me I am not enough. It's seedy, it's disrespectful and it's setting the stage for him to eventually have an actual physical affair.

Tell him all this. It's up to you whether you choose to give him another chance, assuming you don't dig a little further and find that's it's worse than you thought.

But bearing mind this sort of stuff is an addiction for a lot of people, and he might find it harder to stop than he thought. Be prepared to do what you have to do. Don't be that person who issues hollow threats then spends years being made a fool of and feeling helpless about it.

It's one chance and once chance only.

WombOfOnesOwn · 16/12/2017 05:59

So now you get to know that if you don't give in to his sexual demands for the remainder of your relationship, he'll go seek solace with other women.

Sounds like an efficient little bit of blackmail to keep you right where he wants you.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 16/12/2017 17:30

Ok,this recommended counselling.who pays?nhs won’t ,GP won’t.its £45+ ph
With huge waiting list for nhs counselling, this is unlikely to be free.its not urgent
I see this on mn, get counselling, seek anger management as if it’s as easy as that

revengeongc · 16/12/2017 17:36

"So now you get to know that if you don't give in to his sexual demands for the remainder of your relationship, he'll go seek solace with other women.

Sounds like an efficient little bit of blackmail to keep you right where he wants you."

This. Seriously, OP, these snivelling little weasels are not worth your time, your love, or your effort. Dump and find someone who isn't such a twat.

HipNewName · 16/12/2017 18:03

On one hand, if you had been married for years and had children together, may be trying to work it out and go to counseling and all that would be worth the effort.

But you aren't. You don't have children with him. You aren't married to him. I know that you feel like your lives are very entwined because you live together and you've been together for 3 years, but in the grand scope of things, this is the easiest time to leave him.

Having a baby with someone is difficult and puts a big dent on a relationship. It takes a while before the woman can have sex again, longer depending on how the birth goes. Most new moms are too tired to have sex very often during the first year. I think it would be very difficult to go through that with someone who couldn't handle endometriosis.

Worriedrose · 16/12/2017 18:15

There is another thread about what have your learnt from mumsnet
That, in the majority people's advice is right, and the overwhelming advice is this will not change.
6 months of not great sex life is nothing. What happens if you become very ill, or have cancer or go through the menopause and don't feel up to endless bunny fucking.

This is a newish relationship, in terms of living together, and this is how he behaves when the chips are down and it's not all perfect?

When someone tells you who they are listen

restbiterepeat · 16/12/2017 18:26

So, are you going to spend the rest of your life keeping up with your sex duties so he doesn't look elsewhere?

Is that as good as it gets?

Because, as I see it, you're not married, not mortgaged, you have no kids with this guy and there will never be a better time to cut out the dead wood.

ChinwagCharlieBear · 16/12/2017 18:31

I don't think you are BU as such but I would not trust that is 'all' he is up to. Even if it is... it would be enough for me to leave.

Will you be able to trust him again now? If he is on his phone and you can't see what he's up to, will you always be thinking the worst? I couldn't live like that, what's the point?

He's not 'destroyed' because he has hurt you, he is upset that he got caught and now has to face the reality of what he has done.

Leave and find someone who respects you, who you respect. You can't respect this guy.

MillennialFalcon · 16/12/2017 19:06

I wouldn't make any decisions in the moment, take time and space to think things through. If you do want to continue the relationship consider couple's counselling. Please don't blame yourself for his behaviour. He needs to take responsibility. It is not your fault for not feeling sexual when you were in pain! TBH I would consider whether you can rely on him to be there for you in the future. Marriage is in sickness and in health and he has already let you down when you were ill.

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