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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Finding it hard to bite my tongue.

86 replies

Effemelle · 15/12/2017 19:41

I've just gone back to work full time after mat leave.

My DH and I a both WFH two days a week and on the fifth day, I do a short day at work and do the nursery run both ways. I have a 45 min commute, his is 1h 30.

On 'my days' I have a routine with the kids that works really well. We're all home by 5.45pm, I do dinner, bath, stories and bedtime in two hours and by 7.45pm they're both in bed. Most days I manage to put the previous day's dry laundry away and hang out that day's washing too.

On DH's days it's total chaos. I walk through the door at 6.30, the kids are running riot, climbing the walls with hunger and tiredness and nothing's been done. He'll often choose that moment to ask me what he should make for dinner.

I've been flatly refusing to get involved and have been hoping that by making him suffer the consequences of his disorganisation, he'll tighten it up a bit. At most I will offer direction from the sidelines, but I have to stop myself stepping in to 'rescue' the situation. And besides, my way isn't necessarily the best way and we all parent differently, blah blah blah.

But it's been a few weeks now and nothing's really improving. It's not fair on the kids for them to be going to bed late after a chaotic evening two nights a week. They're tired and irritable.

What should my next move be? I refuse to take on any more than my fair share. And I resent having to spell out really obvious stuff to him. No one spelt it out to me, I just figured it out on my own because I'm a functioning grown up.

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 16/12/2017 11:34

Why should OP be the one solely responsible? There are two parents, not just one!

Increasinglymiddleaged · 16/12/2017 11:34

it's so petty to let your kids get into a state because he is disorganised. work or not you are still their mum and must not want to see them worked up and hungry of an evening

Well obviously not but I expect their father to look after them when I'm not there. As a capable adult he is equally able to do that. The OP's DH is quite clearly deliberately being crap, it is his responsibility as a father to sort that out, not the OP's as a female to bail him out.

JuniUmiZoomi · 16/12/2017 11:40

I'd just say - they have their dinner at X time, you need to have that sorted on your days. But then I'd've gone mad the first time and he wouldn't do it again!

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 16/12/2017 11:47

Tell him “when you get home, there is chicken in the fridge, do it with the pasta in the cupboard, don’t forget the kids need bath by 6pm, I’ll be home by 7”

Men are notoriously bad at decision making. My DH always offers to help with house work on our days off together but always insists on says “tell me what to do” I have pointed out that nobody tell me what to do, but then tell him what to do because it’s easier.
At least your DH is trying, some still don’t.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 16/12/2017 12:16

Men are notoriously bad at decision making

When it suits them. They seem to manage it in the workplace.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 16/12/2017 12:17

Men are notoriously bad at decision making...
Except, of course, for all the MPs, CEOs, directors, senior army officers... Hmm

ohfortuna · 16/12/2017 12:29

It's because men are from Mars isn't it that's why they can't make decisions
On the other hand women since they are from Venus are especially talented at organising anything to do with housework and childcare but rubbish at running companies and doing jobs that are highly paid

WeeMadArthur · 16/12/2017 12:51

If you need to jump back online after you get home then I suggest you stay later at the office until you have covered all your work. Then you can arrive home after he has put them to bed. As it is I think he is hoping you will help out because you are there. If you aren’t there then he will have to get on with it.

KatharinaRosalie · 16/12/2017 12:54

You do wonder how the sex who manages to hold pretty much all positions of power in the workplace and almost all the money and assets in the entire fucking world are at the same time such bumbling idiots that you have to point out kids need to be fed and how to boil pasta..

PippleBang · 16/12/2017 12:56

Sorry but just because he has a longer commute shouldn't mean that you have to keep score of who is doing what parenting.

If his job keeps him out of the house for 12 hours a day and yours is only 9, then THAT doesn't mean that when he's at home for the day he has to make up the difference. It should be 50/50 when you're both at home, and equal leisure time, but commuting as part of his job does not equal leisure time for him that you can 'claim the equivalent of when you're at home and leaving everything to him!

Stormwhale · 16/12/2017 13:02

It's amazing how men have managed to convince us all that they are poor little lambs incapable of parenting without a plan from a woman to sort it all out. These men are able to organise their work day with no problem, yet parenting is just a mystery to them! The responses to this thread show that clearly.

My approach would be to say that the way he is managing his days doesn't work and he needs to rethink it so his children get the care they need. Unless your husband is equally incapable at his job, he really should be doing this on his

Stormwhale · 16/12/2017 13:02

... own.

RemainOptimistic · 16/12/2017 13:04

Men are notoriously bad at decision making

Just crying laughing at this. Ah these men who have succeeded in convincing their women to do all the wife work by pretending it's especially hard and their little fluffy man brains can't cope.

OP I'm over invested now. Please tell us which tactic you're going to try first!

Increasinglymiddleaged · 16/12/2017 13:35

If his job keeps him out of the house for 12 hours a day and yours is only 9

Yeah but I suspect that if the OP's DH was a woman she'd be out of the house for fewer hours.

WhooooAmI24601 · 16/12/2017 13:42

“tell me what to do”

If a fully-functioning adult human cannot find something needing doing around the house without being issued instructions like a small child, there is something wrong with them.

OP, it's unfair. If both parents are contributing equally that's grand, but to sit around on 'his' days til you return home is some sort of sloppy bullshit and it isn't ok. Tell him that. Tell him that he needs to feed the children and get them into some form of routine, or pay for a Nanny to do the job he's so incapable of.

I don't for one minute buy into this theory that men can't cope. They choose not to, and anyone choosing not to cope in this house gets short bloody shrift.

rookiemere · 16/12/2017 13:53

Just wanting to double check - the DCs are in nursery when either of you WFH aren't they ? If not then all bets are off.

Notreallyarsed · 16/12/2017 13:55

I’m horrified at the amount of women martyrs? on here who are seriously suggesting that a man should be spoon fed exactly how to parent competently, and that his wife should batch cook/show him how/make it easy for him because he can’t do it for himself.
Actually stunned.

Notreallyarsed · 16/12/2017 13:56

Surely distressed, hungry and overtired children would be enough to make him get a grip? And if they’re not enough, why not?

SonicBoomBoom · 16/12/2017 13:59

He needs to learn how to parent adequately. The way to achieve that is not to let him haplessly opt out of the very important stuff (ie, feeding) he has decided not to bother trying with.

So sit him down and discuss what needs to happen. Give him suggestions of ways he might find helpful (eg, as he's WFH he could put stuff in a slow cooker in the morning). Then let him manage.

I'd also suggest just working late on his days so you can get stuff done at work rather than at home.

BackInTheRoom · 16/12/2017 14:06

@Effemelle

Yeah what you need to do is manage another adult and help him to get his shit together and this is exactly how MANCHILDREN are born!

How about he gets a weekly meal plan sorted? What about him putting the food in the slow cooker. I tell you something, if you do it all and assume all the responsibility, he'll start devaluing you and take you for granted. Tell him he needs to get a grip when he's in charge full stop.

rookiemere · 16/12/2017 14:07

Yes I was kind of shocked at that too Notreallyarsed.

Surely even a complete kitchen virgin can bung some fish-fingers and chips in the oven and boil up a few peas. Or - as we do sometimes when very busy - put a ready meal in the microwave. It's really not that hard.

But no OP should make sure a nice nutritious slow-cooked meal is prepped and on in the morning, and DCs should not be bathed on his days because - well why because - because he has a penis apparently.

rookiemere · 16/12/2017 14:11

Oh and I'd just like to say that one of the best things about DH and I redressing the balance in these things now that I've increased my hours, is not having to think about what's for bloody dinner until I come in the door and smell it.
Working full time and having to manage all the meal prep and doing all the DC organisation as well would firstly make me very bitter and then secondly I'd start to wonder what the DH's contribution actually was if I was doing all the grunt work.

minipie · 16/12/2017 14:17

Since you've had maternity leave to practice all this it's inevitable you will be better at it to start with.

So:

  1. Give him detailed instructions. I don't mean daily instructions like "give them pasta tonight" or texting to remind it's bathtime. I mean as a one off, give him a written schedule he can follow - 4.45 get tea cooking, 5.30 serve tea, tidy/put laundry on while they eat, 6.30 bath etc. And a list of meals they like. I don't think this is patronising - the fact is, you do know best (temporarily) and it's silly to expect him to reinvent the wheel. This way you handover your greater knowledge but also free yourself of the daily responsibility.

  2. Stay at work later on "his" days. If you keep coming home at 6 he will keep leaning on you. After he has his act together you can start coming home earlier again (I imagine you prefer to see the DC at bedtime) but the key is he needs to have learned to cope without relying on you being there.

KatharinaRosalie · 16/12/2017 14:18

exactly rookie - DH also started first with: 'OK so my turn to cook.What shall I cook?'

No no no. Thinking what to cook and making sure we have all the things and that the prep is done so the kids are not hungry while the food cooks -that's about 90% of the work. If you're cooking, you're doing it all. Otherwise I might as well do it myself, and resent you.

Notreallyarsed · 16/12/2017 14:19

@rookiemere spot on! When DP is on long days (12-16 + hours), I do everything. If he’s home early we do it together, and if I’m not home and he is, he does it. If he left our kids hungry and distressed he wouldn’t be my DP for very long! And yet this thread is full of women who seem to think that it’s ok to just not feed your kids, or bath them if you’re male. I despair, I really do.