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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Finding it hard to bite my tongue.

86 replies

Effemelle · 15/12/2017 19:41

I've just gone back to work full time after mat leave.

My DH and I a both WFH two days a week and on the fifth day, I do a short day at work and do the nursery run both ways. I have a 45 min commute, his is 1h 30.

On 'my days' I have a routine with the kids that works really well. We're all home by 5.45pm, I do dinner, bath, stories and bedtime in two hours and by 7.45pm they're both in bed. Most days I manage to put the previous day's dry laundry away and hang out that day's washing too.

On DH's days it's total chaos. I walk through the door at 6.30, the kids are running riot, climbing the walls with hunger and tiredness and nothing's been done. He'll often choose that moment to ask me what he should make for dinner.

I've been flatly refusing to get involved and have been hoping that by making him suffer the consequences of his disorganisation, he'll tighten it up a bit. At most I will offer direction from the sidelines, but I have to stop myself stepping in to 'rescue' the situation. And besides, my way isn't necessarily the best way and we all parent differently, blah blah blah.

But it's been a few weeks now and nothing's really improving. It's not fair on the kids for them to be going to bed late after a chaotic evening two nights a week. They're tired and irritable.

What should my next move be? I refuse to take on any more than my fair share. And I resent having to spell out really obvious stuff to him. No one spelt it out to me, I just figured it out on my own because I'm a functioning grown up.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 16/12/2017 09:42

My husband and I worked as a team and helped each other. We just naturally took our turns, neither of us considered looking after our child as some form of chore .

And this is the issue. You both see dealing with your kids as a chore. So the result is you refuse to help him and work to rule, he does what he has to do badly.

In the middle of this are two kids,whose parents think it’s a chore to look after them, refuse to do more than their fair share or even help each other out.

I think the two of you need to sit down, have a talk about it. Him for the poor way he is doing it and you because you literally compare dealing with your kids to work.

No one parent should parent on their own, but neither should it be this situation with you both digging your heels in and treating rhem like some form of grunt work that needs to be done. If you can find a way, for your kids sake to work together, it would be better for all concerned.

Or you can both keep playing silly buggers and mess your kids up. Your call.

catwoozle · 16/12/2017 09:48

I'd stay at work to finish off rather than going back online as I like a proper cut off between home and work stuff, but everyone is different. I like the "How do you think it's going?" suggestion. Ask what he thinks should happen to make it better. (A clue- If he suggests you taking over then that's not the answer). You don't need telling that though. You've got this, OP.

LannieDuck · 16/12/2017 10:07

How does your OH feel about his days? He might be taking the mick in the hope you'll start doing more of it, or he might be sinking and very much appreciate some help.

Something really simple like an alarm set to go off at 6pm to signal bath time. If he can arrange for an something to indicate that it's time for play to finish and the bedtime routine to begin, it should help to keep the timings on track. Once they've done it a couple of times, the kids will hear the alarm and be ready for bathtime with or without him ;)

SpartonDregs · 16/12/2017 10:10

He is just waiting for you to crack.

WillowWept · 16/12/2017 10:13

If you’re having to work in the evening stay at work for an extra hour so it’s done. Or take up jogging (free).

He needs to start acting like a parent

KatharinaRosalie · 16/12/2017 10:16

Instead of passive-agressive seething or treating him like a 5-year old, try to talk? We had something similar,sharing pick-ups. On my nights DH walked in to fed kids and clean kitchen. On his nights I would often come home at the same time, he has barely started dinner, kids stuffing themselves full of snacks.

So I pointed it out that if I manage to be organised, so can he, and he enjoys the peaceful evenings when I take care of it all, doesn't he? He had to admit that it wasn't fair and has improved.

Lilliepixie · 16/12/2017 10:18

I'd go to the pub until they're in bed

Codlet · 16/12/2017 10:18

Agree with staying at work an hour or two longer, or going online as soon as you get home, and then not having to work that evening. Surely this would kill several birds with one stone?

rookiemere · 16/12/2017 10:26

We've gone through this recently as I've increased my hours and DH has started working one early per week and one wfh.

I started out by suggesting what we could have for dinner - and that includes hugely easy options such as just oven heating stuff fRom the freezer but now I just leave him to it.

I did loose my rag the day I came in from my gym class at 630 and no dinner - to be fair i was hangry! DH came out with these excuses- he was helping DS with something, he'd had other stuff to do. He seemed very surprised when i put my coat on and said fine i was going to th chippie to get the family dinner - although he did then suggest i went to the Indian instead- at which point I may have started shouting a bit. He then went out and got dinner himself and has been much better about prioritising it since.

Don't start cooking on his nights - why the heck should you? Do give him some suggestions about what he could make for dinner and do involve him in the food shopping- hopef soon he'll get it and take on responsibility himself. DH has even started to do Tesco orders so that he has the ingredients he needs for his meals.

mrsmuddlepies · 16/12/2017 10:36

Point scoring which is unfair on your children. Talk to your husband and help him to manage his sessions effectively.

VladmirsPoutine · 16/12/2017 10:40

I never understand couples that see parenting as some kind of hot potato. A sort of check-in;check-out game in which on certain days at certain times they have zero responsibility. Poor children. Why do parents do this?

SilenceIsBroken · 16/12/2017 10:43

"Talk to your husband and help him to manage his sessions effectively."

I bet no one sat the OP down and explained how to feed her children! Jeez, these poor men who can't cope without a woman to tell them how to parent!

Littlelambpeep · 16/12/2017 10:49

The gym option seems good

My dh does not know what to Cook other than fish fingers so I cook everything and freeze it

It is a joke !!!

Littlelambpeep · 16/12/2017 10:50

The gym option seems good

My dh does not know what to Cook other than fish fingers so I cook everything and freeze it

It is a joke !!!

Appuskidu · 16/12/2017 10:52

Who does the food shopping? That’s where I’d start, I think. I’d get a family planner (we do this) and say, right-just getting organised now so we all know what’s going on; I’m cooking toad in the hole Tuesday and spaghetti Bol Friday-what about you?

Is he disorganised?

Has he genuinely been busy working and actually hasn’t got time to look after the kids/cook dinner (wfh doesn’t suit all people/all types of job-maybe childcare is needed and he just works from work?)?

Is he lazy and knows you’ll do it anyway?

Only you know the answer to that those.

Olympiathequeen · 16/12/2017 10:53

I completely agree with you that you shouldn’t take on the mental load of organising your DH.

You do need however, to sit down and talk about agreeing a management plan.

Fadingmemory · 16/12/2017 10:55

I would write out a programme of what needs to be done at what time.
I would also go with the slow cooker option. Or, if you can, batch cook at the weekend. Just make xure whatever is needed for that evening is taken out of the freezer in the morning.

So, for eg 5.45 come in, coats off and hung up, bags put ready for next day, 6pm have the meal followed by a bit of wind down time with quiet activity, 6.45 into the bath, 7 into bedrooms, tidy up, 7.15 into bed, stories, 7.45 lights out. Laundry. Times obviously adjustable.

Write it out on a poster and display it prominently. and, if the children are old enough, make sure they are aware of what should be happening and when.

If you come home during the process do not let him slope off, do it together.

Been there. Good luck!

Increasinglymiddleaged · 16/12/2017 10:56

Well because of the differences in our commutes, on my days at home, he gets in at 7.30pm just as the kids are about to go to bed. On the days he's at home, I get back around 6pm.

I'm confused the difference between your commutes is 45 minutes but you arrive home an hour and a half earlier. I would hazard a guess that he deliberately arrives home when everything is already done.

Appuskidu · 16/12/2017 10:58

Does he work much longer days than you?

NoSquirrels · 16/12/2017 11:02

Joint meal plan - if you do the food shopping then it can be harder fir the person who hadn’t to envisage what is for dinner. So whoever does the food shop needs to ask the other person “what are you cooking on your days?” so it’s set in stone.

Then maybe just a chat about the time the DC get to bed as a regular schedule is important (phrased as in their interests) and you can say what you find helpful e.g dinner at 5.45, bath at 6.45, after whatever TV programme/20 mins iPad/playing whilst you tidy up tea stuff etc.

If you’ve never set the schedule the adjustment can be harder. I’m NIT saying you should manage him or spoonfeed him, but as the DC are a joint responsibility it doesn’t make sense to have 2 completely different systems each party has figured out in their own, in the same way a new starter into a job is given the lowdown on how things are usually done. After they’ve made the job their own they might change processes and suggest improvements but usually you’d start from a baseline.

Help him out once without resentment in a setting the baseline for success, and then leave him to it.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/12/2017 11:09

How long has this been going on? You say you've just gone back. I would also ask 'how do you think it is going' and stay at work later, don't get back until 7.30 yourself.

Notreallyarsed · 16/12/2017 11:10

Tell him bluntly to get his shit together, that the children are hungry, overtired and unhappy on his days and that’s not on at all.
Bugger batch cooking/enabling him, you had to work out a routine that meant the children have their needs met, he’s a grown man, he needs to as well.

Dahlietta · 16/12/2017 11:13

Have you really not spoken to him about it?

Chrys2017 · 16/12/2017 11:27

It is a well-known tactic—perform a task so incompetently that it will be taken away from you.

However, OP perhaps as DH isn't around on your days to witness how things should be done, you could offer to show him, just once...?

Raver84 · 16/12/2017 11:31

Just to cofirm I was in fact being serious when I said to do a meal plan and just text him a reminder about the bath. it's so petty to let your kids get into a state because he is disorganised. work or not you are still their mum and must not want to see them worked up and hungry of an evening

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