Splitting outgoings with my DP?

[moneymoney1]

NC for this.

So long and short of it is..

DP spends 70% of his income each month towards bills (everything from mortgage to gym membership - anything left is for pure luxuries)

I spend 96.5% of my income towards the same outgoings. Again, anything left is solely for luxuries. So our outgoings between us we half.

Obviously this leaves me with a very small amount each month £50 or less, while he turns out with £735.

Is this unfair on me or unfair on him? He doesn't think he should be paying more just because he makes more.

Please be honest

[twiney]

Oh. Just read your debt is included in the shared bills.

Are you insane?

Seriously, massive drip feed there!

So far he's "just" a boyfriend and he's paying £250 a month towards your debt????!

I think YABU and entitled.

So you have a juicy mortgage you secured through his high salary plus he helps pay off your debt, your "bills" include socialising and you want more? No way man.

You understand that most single people with debt have to suck it up and go without "basics" like a car, mortgage and gym membership right?

[Goldfishshoals]

I think this would be fine in the early stages of a relationship, if you didn't see a future together (or too early to tell if it was serious).

If this is a committed long term relationship, then he's entirely unreasonable, and not a very nice person. I'd really rethink the relationship if I were you.

[speakout]

Sounds like you would be better living apart.

[falange]

When I was with my ex we split bills like that and because he was very well paid and I wasn't I too was left with a very small amount to spend on myself. At first I thought it was the 'fair' thing to do but as time went on I realised it wasn't fair at all for one person in a relationship to be so well off and the other to be counting pennies and looking for loose change in handbags when it was close to payday. I did try on numerous occasions to try to get him to see it wasn't fair but he wouldn't. It was one of the things that led to us separating in the end.

[MarmaladeIsMyJam]

So he is paying £250 debt that isn’t his? I wouldn’t be complaining!

[twiney]

@Goldfishshoals
He's paying off her debt?

[Ellisandra]

My XH never argued over money, we split almost all outgoings 50/50. I even paid half of the top Sky package that I didn't give a shit about.

There were 2 exceptions - his cat repayments and insurance. No way was I subsidising his choice to have a PCP on a fancy car!

I see your debt as the same thing - an exception. I think you're bloody lucky that he doesn't!

[Azzizam]

The debts put a different light on it. Clear them, then reasess what you both feel is fair.

[SvartePetter]

I'd never pay off my partners personal debts. Can you break down a bit more what you spend on?

[WidoWanky]

You have 2 years of #500 month payments? Thats 12 grand. You have already spent your money. Its harsh but i wouldnt subsidise you either. I suspect you are unlikely to ever get into unnecessary debt again after this life lesson. So thats a plus.

And if you are repaying 500, and he has 700 over a month, thats only 200 more than you. I feel he is entitled to spend that as he likes. After all, you did.

[Ellisandra]

What I would do, in a loving relationship, is stick with cheap options for things like meals out so my partner could concentrate on their debts - and often treat them.
But not pay them off for them! Entitled, much?!

[WidoWanky]

Just seen the next drip.

So annoying.

He actually sounds like a nice guy. Help him find someone else.

[twiney]

@Ellisandra
Yeah not to mention that someone with that level of debt on a lowish salary would never get approved for a mortgage let alone one that sounds massive.

So OP is milling around in a naice house with boyfriend chucking £12k a year her way to pay off past splurges and she thinks life isnt fair!

[jarhead123]

I think he is being a bit mean personally.

[g1itterati]

Do you mind saying what kind of debt it is OP?

Also how can you predict how much you spend on food socialising etc every month in your "outgoings" to be left with this £50?

[MsVestibule]

I was coming on to say YANBU but after you reveal that your debt repayments are £500pm, I think YABU.

IMO, when a couple live together, they should have equal spends. In effect you do - it’s just that most of your spends go on paying off your debt.

[DistanceCall]

You are not paying your joint expenses 50/50. He is paying half your debt.

You are being incredibly U. And yes, you sound entitled.

[SpareASquare]

The debt changes everything for me. No, I don't think it's unfair at all.

[Bobbins43]

I don't really feel I can say whether it's fair or not but OP, if you aren't being left with a lot at the end of the month, is it worth trying to use a debt management company like Stepchange and making more affordable payments? Are you paying interest on your debts? I think you're in quite a precarious position financially and seriously need to think about building up some kind of cushion. Could you cancel some of your socialising money and memberships and save that a bit?

[MrsTerryPratchett]

If your debt is included in household bills, I would just see it as you are both paying for luxuries. Yours were just luxuries you already used.

I think he's being fair, actually. And I'm normally a bit of a LTB type. But a different discussion needs to happen if you want to marry or have children.

[mindutopia]

In your situation, I think it's fair to pay for your shared expenses proportionate to your income. If he makes twice as much, he should pay twice as much. And then any other personal expenses you pay out of your own money that's left over. You can't control your shared electric bill or shared rent or whatever, but you can control your petrol use, car payments, gym membership, etc. Unfortunately, this would include your debt as it's yours really and I wouldn't necessarily consider it his responsibility. But certainly if he is making considerably more, he should pay more of the shared costs of living together, rent/mortgage, food costs, utility bills, etc. Then what you send on other things though is up to both of you. That means you're still responsible for your own debt, but it should free you up to have a bit more money left over after.

So my dh and I make about the same really, but we share rent, food, utility bills, child-related costs (including childcare when we needed it), more periodic expenses like heating oil, house repairs, etc. But then we each manage and pay for our own cars, petrol, commuting expenses, any incidentals like a meal out or drinks or just little expenses, he pays for his own student loan, etc. Now I'm going on mat leave, so he'll make considerably more than me though, so he will carry on paying the rent and I'll just contribute to other shared expenses, plus my own petrol, car, etc.

But in reality, if you are a partnership, neither of you should be destitute while the other has loads, as long as whoever is running out of money is generally financially responsible. If my dh or I ever get low in a given month, the other sends some money their way to keep them afloat. That works for both of us, but we also aren't ever running out because we're blowing it on something stupid. It's usually like unexpected expenses, like car repairs, or a cut in pay because one of us had to take some time off or something.

[confusedlittleone]

Tbh yes yabu- YOUR debts are 500 a month and factored into the community bills so he's effectively paying half your debt for you.

[MaidOfStars]

He he. Add your £500 per month debt to £50 discretionary and it suddenly looks a lot more even.

FWIW, my boyfriend/cohabitee/now husband have always paid proportionally towards joint outgoings. Would never have expected him to pay debts for me, nor me him. Still the same now we’re married many years.

[eddielizzard]

i'm afraid i also think you're being unreasonable. he is paying half your debt. what would happen if you paid all your debt yourself? so i think i'd just keep quiet...

[MaidOfStars]

And yes to ‘essentials’ not ‘luxuries’.

My husband and I split Sky but not individual mobile bills. We split washing machines but not jeans.