Splitting outgoings with my DP?

[moneymoney1]

NC for this.

So long and short of it is..

DP spends 70% of his income each month towards bills (everything from mortgage to gym membership - anything left is for pure luxuries)

I spend 96.5% of my income towards the same outgoings. Again, anything left is solely for luxuries. So our outgoings between us we half.

Obviously this leaves me with a very small amount each month £50 or less, while he turns out with £735.

Is this unfair on me or unfair on him? He doesn't think he should be paying more just because he makes more.

Please be honest

[LemonSqueezy0]

YABU - Restructure your debt and take responsibility for your own actions.

I share my finances with my partner and earn pretty much equal amounts currently but if that changed, we'd both continue to share finances. We don't monitor each others spending - He has child support to pay, and that comes from our joint account as does the daily type spending on the DSC when they're here and at Christmas, birthdays etc (not begrudged at all!) and I have regular monthly things I pay (hair and nails) overall I'm sure it works out pretty much evenly.. We don't count what the other spends though... However £500 a month in debt repayments isnt small change, and don't blame him for wanting to take that on if I'm honest!

[AcrossthePond55]

Not wanting to debate whether or not the cat should have been treated or if the DP is cruel for wanting to PTS, that's not the issue here. But the cat vet debt could be because her DP didn't want the cat treated and so she accepted responsibility for the debt. In which case, it IS her debt, even if it's a 'shared cat'.

As far as the car; OP's car, OP's accident, OP's choice of insurance. Again, it is her debt.

[Ellisandra]

In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think the car accident is just a red herring.

If your car is written off and you don't get the full cost of your outstanding finance paid off, you don't suddenly owe more money.

You may neee additional spending for a replacement car - but you either use the market value payout you did get to purchase it, or you recognise that you're fucked by not having gap insurance and you buy something much cheaper.

So most of the debt related to the car, was luxury spending that the OP chose. Her choice to have those car, and less money each month.

[Ellisandra]

But @rocky4 going by the contradictions and drip feeding, who knows if this cat was shared with this man? And whether it wasn't shared truly - just came from her home to theirs? What if it was her cat that she brought with her that she just hadn't bothered to insure? I wouldn't be happy at forking out a £1K share of that, if I assumed it was insured all along.

Even if the car accident was after they met and not her fault at all, why didn't the insurance cover it? Well, most likely because she'd taken out some kind of finance with no gap insurance. So she would have to carry on paying off the finance. What if the car was still here? Do you think he should be paying off half of her car, or subbing her for everything else so she can afford to run a fancy car?

I said upthread - with my XH, cars were the one thing that we're off the table for 50:50 finances. No way should I pay towards his brand new BMW 6 series on contract when I chose to drive a 10 year old owned outright Golf.

This debt - the majority appears to be the car - is the same as saying he should pay for her car. Directly or indirectly. No, he shouldn't.

OP would have had more sympathy if she hadn't back tracked and hadn't drip fed.

[rocky4]

So no one thinks that debt caused by a cat the OP & her DP share, should be split?

Did I miss the part the OP said the car accident was before they met or that she was a wreckless driver?

No one knows the circumstances I think some of the replies are a bit harsh. From what I understand she does pay her way, half of all the bills PLUS all the debt, which like I said could so easily be joint.

I think it's sad that someone who obviously is in a bit of a vulnerable position came on here for advice and has now got bashed for it. Going by the lack of her replies recently I think she has got the hint.

GL to OP I hope you see some light soon

[Aridane]

Cocklodger is used for someone who contributes nothing but the joy of their penis to the household.

And on another thread, someone came up with vagina recliner for the female equivalent . Just thought I would share that - it cracked me up when I read that.

[LakieLady]

If I've got this right, he's paying £250 a month towards your debt. If you didn't have that debt, he'd be left with £1,000 and you'd be left with £300. That doesn't seem fair.

BUT if he wasn't paying half, and you were paying all the debt repayment, you'd be haemorrhaging money at the rate of £450 a month.

I'd say that, while the debt is still being paid off, you're getting the better end of the deal, tbh. I'm not sure that I'd be happy to pay off half a debt that my partner had got themselves into entirely on their own.

OTOH, I would be happy to pay more for "fun" things like holidays, meals out etc.

I think it might be a good idea for you to try and renegotiate the debt. Some lenders are very reasonable, will stop charging interest and reduce monthly repayments when people are struggling. CAB or Step Change can give advice on this. A colleague has just got a huge credit card debt switched to a loan, the interest is so much lower that she is making smaller repayments and will have it paid off sooner.

Debt is such a trap. It seems bizarre to me that they're so strict about mortgage lending but seem to throw credit and store cards at people willy-nilly.

[FluffyWuffy100]

Also I’d count your debts as ycomkng outnof your ‘fun’ money... your pulled forward your fun into earlier years so now you have to have less fun/luxury to pay for it.

Really surprised anyone would expect a DP to pay for debts they ran up before they met.

[FluffyWuffy100]

Unless you’re married and have children - why should DP be subsidising your life choices (debt, lower paid work)?

You’re a healthy adult. Go forth and earn your own money.

In this situation though you should love to the lower earners budget re rent, holidays, eating out etc.

[Ellisandra]

@SpartonDregs the % thing sounds appealing but it still has huge discrepancies.

Take home £3000 and £1000.
Outgoing £1200.
Leftover £2200 and £600.
Pretty different!

There are as many ways to do it, as there are couples!

In my personal opinion once you throw children into the mix, it's one pot.

But many of us have second marriages, different sets of children... in my case, we have the same disposable income but only after I've made a massive pension payment. Which my fiancé will hugely benefit from in the future - but not if we split and our pre-nup holds water. (not that I'd expect him to challenge it, but you never do know) Some people would find that unfair. But he is still better off from "my" money month to month.

Everyone has their own line about what's a team and what's a pisstake. For me, complaining that your boyfriend isn't paying off your debt for you is a pisstake.

I don't think OP will be back, because the flood of a drip feed and self contradictions literally don't add up.

[BackInTheRoom]

I think I understand.

DP has £735 disposable income
OP has £550 but spends £500 debt

So he basically gets £185 MORE than you. So this amount should be factored in right?

[SpartonDregs]

Can you imagine a woman posting here saying her partner is upset at having so little money left after paying his debts and contributing to household costs and wants her to pay for it.

I think most people would suggest each partner paying the same percentage into the household, no matter who is asking.

Cocklodger is used for someone who contributes nothing but the joy of their penis to the household.

[scottishdiem]

Can you imagine a woman posting here saying her partner is upset at having so little money left after paying his debts and contributing to household costs and wants her to pay for it. I think cocklogder is the term? So maybe OP is a vaglodger?

[scottishdiem]

I really think you need to talk because he is clearly not 100% in this relationship.

DP and I are married for five years but DP has nothing to do with my finances prior to getting together. So you are talking shite really.

[NewLove]

Even if you split the bills percentage of income you would still have a smaller percentage of luxury money too...

[scottishdiem]

A lot of 'my' outgoings are towards debt,

So you want him to subsidise your debt repayments. Unless the debts were because of him, that is unfair.

[notangelinajolie]

He sounds selfish. What on earth is he spending that kind of money on? Do you trust him?

In our family all income goes in one pot. He works, I don't. We share everything.
Bills get paid. If either of us wants anything we just buy it. It helps that we both have very similar spending habits ie no hobbies, we dont care about nice clothes , DH barbers once a month and bottles of wine are alway shared between us. The kids claim the rest but hey ho that's how it goes.

No his money/my money crap.

I really think you need to talk because he is clearly not 100% in this relationship.

[LA678]

My DP and I put both our wages into a joint account and let all the bills come out. As soon as they have, whatever's left we half and transfer back into each account. He earns about 20% more than me but it's never been a thought about issue to be honest, otherwise I'd be in the same position as you! I don't think that's very fair but he may see it another way.

[TeeBee]

Why should he supplement your income. Why should he pay for your poor judgement?

[Piewraith]

Not worth living with someone to quibble over a fiver.

It's 12k debt, not exactly just a fiver.

[Azzizam]

No-one should resent sharing with those they love

This sums it up really. When you are busy counting all the costs your problem is more than money.

[TheOriginalMagratGarlik]

We have all income going into a joint account. The amount required to cover all regular outgoings has been calculated and any excess is halved and transferred to each of our own personal accounts. We get the same amount of "spending money" each month. The alimony that he pays for his dc from his previous marriage is a joint expense, those children deserve that money. On the other hand, I worked on a 0.8 FTE contract for some time and took unpaid career break leave, which I also would not expect him to begrudge me. In a long-term relationship you don't judge or count these things. Sometimes one of you has more, another time the other does. You are not earning money as individuals, you are earning for the family. Noone should resent sharing with those they love.

[Jakeyboy1]

If you want to share your life with someone share money. Not worth living with someone to quibble over a fiver.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

I have never understood the ‘his and hers’ when it comes to finances in a serious cohabitating relationship. When DH moved in with me (DP at the time) my house became our house and any money coming in became our money. Doesn’t really matter who pays for what. If one of us runs out before the end of the month the other one transfers some over. We only don’t have a joint account because we can’t face the admin.

It does sound like you’re being unfair to him in the circs though. You said initially your debt is factored into bills and I tend to think that was your honest answer - therefore he’s already giving you a chunk of money each month. You then rowed back and said actually it comes separately out of your account - if so you can’t be earning that much less than him given there’s only £200ish difference in your take home amounts. Either way, what you’re asking is for him to pay either more of or some of your debt for you, which he hasn’t agreed to.

You’ll need to have a conversation with him where you explain that you think he should be doing this.

[StickThatInYourPipe]

We don’t split by percentage, we just both pay all our wages into a joint account (which has all bills etc influx personal stuff like gym memberships and mag subscriptions) then each get £200 into our own accounts. Makes it fair, I’m the higher earner but don’t think that should mean he gets less.

Anything left over at the end of the month goes into savings.